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french fry rap - you suck at cooking lyrics

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we’re gonna
wash our hands off and then dry em with a towel
then we’ll dip em back in water and them coat em with flower

take a potato make sure it’s not a tomato
then confirm it’s full of love cause you should never be cooking pohateoes
you get to chopping the potatoes are flopping and then they’re
falling on the floor and so you gotta be mopping ‘em up

you think you lost it so you go in the closet then you
grab so me more potatoes and get ready to hop right back on it
the knife’s blading the potatoes degrading
into a hundred little shavings then we gett’em all bathing. uh huh

don’t rush this part you wanna pull out the starch
though i’m a little bit suspicious that this step is a farce
because i once gave ‘em a rinse and i just washed ‘em really quick
and when i cooked em up and ate em well they didn’t taste harsh. so

we dry em off and then we heat up a pot, except the
pot is all unnecessary because we’re not
gonna boil em in oil gonna spread ‘em out on foil
and then cook em up and eat ‘em stead of leave ‘em to rot

spray your pan but not with spray tan
if you don’t put on a layer then it’s just as bad as taping
‘cause you don’t want all the fries to be there sticking when you’re
trying hard to flip ‘em while you’re cooking just to gett’em into dipping: back up

lay your fries out with some oil to make ’em wetter
add some salt from the container in your bag a bitta pepper pepper pepper
time to wrastle ’em but don’t over h-ssling
you can take your time or you can do it turbo fastelin’

you can give a spin and use your fingers or fisting
and you can whip em while you’re sipping on a gin with a twisting
and if you’re getting super bored with it centrifugal force it
spin around until you’re dizzy and you fall on the floor
then get up

four hundred and we’re heating up the onion
grab the pan with you left hand open the door and then shove em
stand by and bide your time while it starts the combustion
and then collect a fist of implements stand by for the rustlin’
come on

call your mom or do some origom
or clean the friggin’ counter ’til the dirt is all but gone
and with a bunch of minutes p-ssing while they’re in there getting blasted
heated sizzled up and fizzling then put your glove on
know why?

‘cause it’s time to take a look at the fries
be sure to keep a healthy distance and don’t burn out your eyes
be honest ’bout the color don’t be telling yourself lies ’cause if you
under/over cook ’em then you’ll make yourself cry, i mean

you’re not probably gonna actually cry
but if you cry a little bit just make sure that you go hide
‘cause you’ll never really be sure which emotions will be rising
to the surface so just blame it on an onion and then wipe off your eyes

then get back into that kitchen like a boss
take the pan out of the onion, salt, then give ’em a toss
you wanna mix’ em with precision causing gentle collision
then let’s rustle up ingredients to make a thick and dippable sauce

love curry mayo ‘cause it’s gotta lotta flavo
and it’s buoyant so if you go for a swim then it could save you
though i really wouldn’t test it because mayo is invested
in another whole activity called being digested

so grab handful and just give ‘em a test
then continue on -ssessing ’til you’ve eaten the rest, of em
caress ‘em with affection and an unhealthy obsession
and compress em in your mouth until they fill up your chest. because

you suck at cooking ‘cause you’re always overlooking
all the steps it takes to make a things taste great and also you never cook
you suck at cooking ‘cause you never even go into the
kitchen at any time of the day not even to take a look

- you suck at cooking lyrics

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