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no lock on the door - the lancashire hotpots lyrics

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[intro (spoken)]
this is a song about man’s inhumanity to man
on the gents toilets in my local boozer

[verse 1]
before the pub tonight, i had a vesta curry
i’ve been on the guinness, i drank ’em in a hurry
now i don’t feel well, and there’s nowhere else to choose
i’ll have to do me business in the pub loos

[chorus]
there’s no toilet paper, no toilet seat
in the next cubicle there’s two pairs of feet
and i hope this is water covering the floor
and i’m whistling ’cause there’s no lock on thе door

[verse 2]
i’d k!ll for domestos or a toilet brush
the graffiti in hеre would make frankie boyle blush
someone’s written “for a good time here’s a number to call”
hang on, that’s my phone number on the wall!

[chorus]
there’s no toilet paper, no toilet seat
in the next cubicle there’s two pairs of feet
and i hope this is water covering the floor
and i’m whistling ’cause there’s no lock on the door
*whistling interrupted*
woah hang on, there’s someone in ‘ere mate!

[verse 3]
i need to finish, it’s more than i can bear
but it’s hard to go when you’re crouching in mid air
with your trousers round your ankles, it’s hard to be discreet
and i’m gonna have wipe with a tesco’s receipt

[chorus]
there’s no toilet paper, no toilet seat
in the next cubicle there’s two pairs of feet
and i hope this is water covering the floor
and i’m whistling ’cause there’s no lock on the door

[verse 4]
my eyes are streaming, what can i say?
the conditions are better in guantanamo bay
i need toilet paper and saving from this h*ll
but the andrex puppy’s fainted because of the smell

[chorus]
there’s no toilet paper, no toilet seat
in the next cubicle there’s two pairs of feet
and i hope this is water covering the floor
and i’m whistling ’cause there’s no lock on the door
[outro (spoken)]
well, when you’ve gotta go, you’ve gotta go

- the lancashire hotpots lyrics

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