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hardcore quornography - the lancashire hotpots lyrics

[verse 1]
when the wife told me the good news i were ‘ead over ‘eels
the local pig and elf is finally doing meals
to keep the missus happy there’s just one thing fer’ do
a pint each, candles, table for two
so i said, “do you fancy the pork, the veal or the plate”?
she said, “i won’t eat anything with a mother or a face”

[verse 2]
she’s turned all vegetarian what were i to do?
“and if you want your wicked way with me, you’ll go veggie too”
i was in a spot of bother, i don’t mean to sound nesh
but it’s either maccie*d’s, or the pleasures of the flesh
i’ve been ‘avin sunday fry*ups since the day i were born
eurgh, there’s only one thing for it

hardcore quorn

[chorus]
i’m into
hardcore quornography
she’s got me vegetarian, i’ve gone meat*free
i miss me bacon b*tties, just how long can i last
now that steak and kidney puddings are a thing of the past?
without sausages and burgers i am all forlorn
what’s she got me into?
hardcore quorn
tofu? what’s that supposed fer’ do?
like putting rubber in me gob
i had to wince when i ate soya mince
i want to nosh in on a sausage but i’m gonna ‘ave a job

[verse 3]
she tells me eating meat is eating animal death
and if i sneak off for a kebab that she’d smell it on me breath
if she suspects those fish and chips she won’t much as touch us
she better not find out about that girl from’ butchers
me ‘eads in bits, ah jean, but please answer me this

i know you’re vegetarian, but can you still eat fish?

[bridge]
i’d murder for a burger (yeah yeah)
k!ll for a mixed grill (yeah yeah)
i would die for a pork pie (yeah yeah)
chop off me leg for a scotch egg (yeah yeah)
but if i eat meat then me bedroom privileges are withdrawn
i’ve got no bloomin’ option

hardcore quorn (woo!)

[chorus]
hardcore quornography
she’s got me vegetarian, i’ve gone meat*free
i miss me bacon b*tties, just how long can i last
now that steak and kidney puddings are a thing of the past?
without sausages and burgers i am all forlorn
what’s she got me into?
hardcore quorn
linda mccartney, god rest her soul
there’s some things that she could never understand
a man has needs, you don’t want ‘fer eat seeds
and if i saw that bernard matthews yes i’d shake him by the hand

[bridge]
i need steak, gravy steak
i want steak, gravy steak
i miss steak, gravy steak
i want a steak, gravy steak

ooh i’m a dead man if i touch meat, i’ve been warned
it’s war to all lentils, wi’ me

hardcore quorn

yeeaaaahhhhhh all riiiiiight
right!
(all right)

- the lancashire hotpots lyrics

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