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act two, scene iv: "a fair bit of gravity" - the granite shore lyrics

a hotel room. tony and rich are sitting on twin beds

tony: got any new songs yet? studio’s booked, y’know
rich: do you think i just jot down the first thing that comes into my head on the back of a f-g packet, and it miraculously rhymes and comes with a tune?
tony: er… well…
rich: oh for the love of… it’s a lot of work, for me, at least. i need to know what the song’s trying to say, then i need to work out the logic, sometimes it can take ages to get it right
tony: we don’t have ages for you to get it right. we’re in the studio this week, then that’s it. do you know how many favours i had to pull in to get this?
rich: you guilt-tripped poor amanda; don’t think i don’t know and don’t think i’m going to forgive you for that
tony: but she wanted to do it, for you! you’re not gonna let her down, are you? you must have something left to say
rich: i’m not sure that i do
tony: sometimes i don’t know what planet you’re on, mate
rich: one with a fair bit of gravity, anyway
tony: you what?
rich: all right, help me out here. why am i writing this song you’re so keen on? i mean, as the actress said to the bishop, “what’s my motivation”?
tony: hey! that’s quite good. [sings softly to himself] “…so as the actress said on the bishop’s bed: ‘what’s my motivation?'”
rich: are you going to want a credit for adding the words “so” and “bed”?
tony: [looks guilty, then puzzled] er… actually no. so when’ll it be finished, then?
rich: hang on, that’s not enough. what’s the song about?
tony: a bishop and an actress. bishop… bishop… chess? bashing the bishop?
rich: you can’t say “actress” anyway, they’re all “ac-tors” now
tony: sod that for a game of soldiers
rich: look, as we’re here and it’s just the two of us…
tony: like the old days!
rich: these are our old days
tony: speak for yourself, mate! you’re as old as the…
rich: hills, tony. look, there’s something i’ve always wanted to know
tony: name it!
rich: oh i can name things. i’m just not so good at understanding them afterwards
tony: what are you on about? what d’you wanna know?
rich: when we were playing…
tony: you mean the other night?
rich: any time we were playing, now or back in the day…
tony: right…
rich: how did it make you feel?
tony: me?
rich: yes. you
tony: [bewildered] i don’t know that i ever feel anything much. on a good night, singing the right songs, it’s more like i switch off altogether and something’s coming through me. if anything i s’pose sometimes….
rich: yes?
tony: sometimes… it’s like coming out of a trance afterwards and that can be a bit scary, like i’m the only person who’s missed the show. is that what you meant?
rich: you’ve answered the question, yes. and thank you
tony: pleasure, mate. what about you? is that what you felt?
rich: oh no, to me it was more like… like a feeling that we were one. and we had power
tony: what, like hypnotism or something?
rich: [thinks] mmm, not really. it was just a raw, unbridled force… like a storm
tony: rich… i sometimes wonder… i mean, i know we’re old mates and all that but…
rich: yes? you may as well ask
tony: well, i’ve never been sure whether you actually like me much
rich: no, neither have i
tony: [hurt] oh
rich: you great oaf. you’re like a brother, that’s all. liking doesn’t come into it. you drive me to distraction most of the time but… i…
tony: [brightening visibly] steady on!
rich: look, just so we’re clear, if the songs come…
tony: they will and they’ll be brilliant!
rich: if they come we’ll do a record and, if it’s any good, put it out. maybe another couple of gigs, if anyone’ll have us
tony: it’ll be fantastic! a new lease of life!
rich: perhaps, but it is only a lease, not a freehold. once we’re done i’m going back to my life and you’re to leave amanda alone. just be her uncle tony again, she’s fond of you for some bizarre reason… so i want your word you’ll let her be
tony: i… look, i was never trying to… i just wanted…
rich: i know. give me your word. in fact sing it to me so i know you’re telling the truth
tony: you’ll have to write it down
rich: hang on a sec. [tears off a piece of paper, scribbles something on it and hands it to tony]
tony: [sings] i give you my word
and the word is the law
that when all this is over
i shall withdraw
[chortles] oo-er missus!
rich: not one of my best but it’ll do
tony: come on, just add a chorus, then second-verse-same-as-the-first and…
rich: if i write something i’ll do it properly
tony: [shrugs] ok, but seriously, we’re running out of time
rich: don’t i know it

- the granite shore lyrics

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