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santa's a fraud - the cream pies lyrics

[verse 1: stevie brock]
off to vegas, it’s my homie’s birthday
and you know what friends get friends for their birthday
i’ve been saving money for this trip
so we can buy him a private dance on the strip
got some connects at the rhino
that’ll hook a brother up whenever i go
so, naturally, i go
get us a table by the pole and wait for the show
start up a conversation with one of the girls
said she could grab some more girls and meet us by the double doors
so she meets us by the double doors
and she leads us through the double doors
she takes his hand as we’re creeping through the hallways
i’m the only sober person, like always
so i’m noticing the strippers are more chipper
maybe the tippers are giving it all away in honor of the holidays
santa hats are everywhere
then on the ground i found a pair of santa’s underwear?
as we enter the champagne room there’s a big red suit, big black belt, and a cloud of white beard hair sitting there
what? it’s motherf—–g santa claus?
getting a dance from 3 of spearmint’s finest broads?
topless? they blindfolded him with edible bras
and i’m in shock like i just found the real wizard of oz
what the f… i’m getting red like i’m rouging
because i just realized that my childhood is ruined
all those years of good deeds so that he thought i’m nice
now i’m witnessing with my 2 eyes his naughty vice
see if i ever bake this man another cookie
only thing he’s hungry for is the nookie
d-mn, what about mrs. claus?
i guess i gotta break the news that her husband’s a fraud

[verse 2: stevie brock]
i wonder what i should do now
do i tell the poor woman santa broke their vow?
yeah, it’s the right thing to do
but the consequences are cruel
see, i’m just concerned for the kids
cuz they don’t need to think of santa claus like this
i mean, even though he’s a jerk
he does do a lot of work
wait why am i defending him?
i should post this video to instagram
and show the whole world the real dancer and vixen, man
but what is that really fix in’? d-mn
see, if i tell her what i saw and she files for divorce
that will be after all the end of christmas for us
if i keep it to myself i’ll be haunted by remorse
wait, i got a better idea, i found a cover for the wh0r-s
i’ll just have my friend bill dress up like saint nick
and head up to see the misses, and give her some of his d…
uhh, some of his lovin’, then eat the cookies in the oven
she’ll never know it wasn’t santa, and christmas goes uninterrupted
oh!

[verse 3: billy reilich]
you would scold me if you knew
but i get dressed up in his suit
red hat, red coat, big black buts
she said she’s missin’ me and my jingleberries too
it’s so easy, during the season
to get dressed up and take over for the evening
i tell her, “call me kris kringle”
then i pop it like a can of pringles
i bring the package, you know i wrap it
listening to kenny g while she smacks it
my presence is a present
so she’s gonna keep undressing
i see his elves in the hall
they think i’m him, i’m kissing her, we’re dressed up and all
they look away and i bounce
i leave a stocking stuffer, isn’t it the thought that counts?
i took a freighter straight from the equator
to the north pole to be her karmic vindicator
she’s so thankful for the gift that i gave her
now all the elves know me as the christmas crusader
that’s what he gets for sleeping with the naughty list
i guess he should have toned down his haughtiness
so what if he puts me on the naughty list
i guess he never knew that mrs. claus is the naughtiest

- the cream pies lyrics

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