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'98 - thavius beck lyrics

what happened in ’98?

i remember ’98 like the breath before this one
march 6th
my dad’s death was commissioned
screams from the room to the left of the kitchen were manufactured to make the deaf wanna listen
his skin and liver got cancer
the kidneys got it after
the latter was the lungs filling with plasma three times faster than his bladder
while i slept in the same room and acted like the matter never mattered
teaspoonfuls of morphine everyday between two full moons for four weeks
poor me
i could barely afford sleep while the screams stormed rained razors in your boy’s dreams at fourteen
i was listening
i’ve never seen change as quick as this
must have been some sort of cosmic trick
’cause i was sent to live with him for discipline
momma got her wish
and now he’s a walking stick
his feet swelled ’til his house shoes decided not to fit
i was smoking pot an awful not, and not a bit
and cigarettes
i started with a box of his that he left in the glove box once he’d gotten sick
we only got a two month head up
the first one was hospital visits
the next one was a back full of bedsores
his legs numb with bl–dy lips and a cancer smell
and i’m sad as h-ll
i wish i heard the stories he never had a chance to tell
but now he’s gone insane from the tumor in his brain
his sisters watch his mom in pain whisper, “not again”
every-night he asks for help
on that day he got his way my grandpa, aunt, and i watched him scream the whole evening
if i’m not mistaken i think i seen his soul leaving
the next thing i know i’m on the phone speaking to my mother
telling her the whole thing and my eyes gush mid-sentence for seemingly no reason
we could have overflowed a stream for the whole season
and then i’m on the porch slow breathing
thinking, “why’d you die tonight?”
eyes too dry to cry
two homies came by not to get me high to my surprise
i sacked it up
right when i had enough of acting tough, i asked who had the blunt?
the answer was, “quit pretending like it’s all good and gravy, acting cool, i’d be going crazy”
so i told them, “we were never close but lately, just maybe, this experience helped raised me
and at least i got to learn that my father was a car salesman who could play any instrument by ear
we’d go fishing, buy beef jerky, coca-cola, and dry beer
he taught me how to stay warm in the cold and couple of life game codes
and at least made me make plans to get past 39 years old”

- thavius beck lyrics

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