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mirage/euthanasia apparatus - sutaijian lyrics

oh you say i’m not, but i’ll be on my way
i’ve come a thousand miles but i’m still on my way
they say i’ll come short, but i’ve been on my way
but i’ve come a thousand miles and i’m still on my way

and these grounds, i lived my life out on these grounds
died and rose again around on these grounds
i’m tryna be under them now
and these grounds, i throw my life down to the crowds
and i ain’t letting down my guard
i ain’t letting off my withdrawls

oh you say i’m not, but i’ll be on my way
i’ve come a thousand miles but i’m still on my way
they say i’m 5 bills short, but i’ve been on my way

they ain’t got no dollars, they ain’t got no picket signs
and i’m running out of bounds, out of my playground
running like a bloodhound
ducking from the law
i’ll be hunting your skin down
hunting your skin on american soil
they ain’t got no picket signs

transit, i was making a transit to a better trans*am whip
i left from the americas, trans*cam
camshift blockhead, i had to take a visit to the other side
i had to decide, make that decision, was she my haven, or was she my solace, i sweared to my god, i hope them pills wasn’t laced, i got cyber paranoia, cause we living in a world where that happen
lonestar wildcard fent in a xan bar
can’t take the lace bra off the seamstress that i just hired from the go*go bar in my mind
i hope you felt alone, poured up a whole ounce of patron, so i could be floating with the girl of my dreams on jupiters orbit, then it all fell apart, so i made a beautiful mess on her canvas, a la basquiat, i heard them boarding calls, i was so limerent
my blood vessels went pop, air pressure withdrawals, i can’t be stuck in the system
systematic violence, but i’m hoping on spring bringing on march madness, just to add some spice to my mundane life, i was still all limerent
i had to design my dreams in the intermission, falltime, but i’m falling back on spring, spread my wings on flight 91, throwing up, ones, we took from the coveted terminal one
but like the old queens terminal they tore it down, it’s just a metaphor
imminent demolition at terminal one

meet and greeted on the triple 7
greeted with cabernet shiraz attending
chiraq soldiers attending, my landing
i was born in champaign*urbana, illinois
the university was walking distance from where i was pent up
i thought i’d end up one with american soil
i loved the traveling job, i saw arabian sands
i saw oriental land
i traveled through the london underground
but the layover crestfalls the mirage
taijian, 2001 to 24
euthanasia apparatus, these is the grounds

thinking about my momma when i take this path
she don’t want to see her poor baby
that’s she baked her pies for
turning himself in
looking for a euthanasia apparatus
in a state where hangings is still legal
man that should’ve been me
i can imagine the gangrene on that
maybe i don’t value myself enough
but tell me why i punch my jaws inwards when i see me in the mirror
so i need therapy? well the truth is hard to swallow but i remember a psych major intern asking me why i couldn’t do my lessons when my peers could
they’re all useless
i’d rather vent out to strangers somewhere else
i’m irredeemably lost
i just need to find a way out
euthanasia apparatus
i tell these women i don’t want i’m someone else, just so i can’t get what i want
and then i send them a photo of the klingon in his tanned skinned glory and they ask me if my voice sounds like a stereotype
then i open it up and i sound like the cracker so she feels all comfortable, now i feel comfortable in my own skin

what’s my diet?
my essence, supermarket sandwiches and tonic water
i just want a safety sleeve, i can’t take no emotions
but i wanna know what it’s like to be loved by somebody, before i go
and i want to hold your little hands
before i take matters into my own hands
i don’t want to have to wait ten years for you
and i want it to be someone that loves me for me, probably not you
so, help me out, which way do i go, and i really mean to go out
this ain’t like choking myself in the back of the polo
this ain’t like the charcoal briquettes off the patio
carbon, bags, ropes?
hanging on, hanging off
euthanasia apparatus, h*ll do i know?
speaking of the girl i met at the kowloon pier, i’ve only loved three people
one was no woman, one was from school and one was you
a fancy powdered euthanasia apparatus
too much opiates
2mg, carfentanil
dead and high, before i find my mirage
where the cop cars surround me
looking for somewhere to buy an exit bag
euthanasia apparatus
and they tell me it’s a waste of my potential but i don’t care
strands come out, my stomach will bloat
my brain won’t work
i can’t take on the world
euthanasia apparatus
they say it’s never the answer
but lately it looks like it’s the only answer
i’m scared and distressed, i want to act out
1 month pandemic
been locked in
been left alone with my feelings
and now i cave in to my urges
banging on my doors
like a cage
do i sound like i care?
ive been locked down at home for three years now
ive been left alone with my feelings for way too long
i need a way out
there’s only one way out
i put all my options out on the table
and leaving this world on my own terms is the only one that makes sense on and off paper
trying to give myself paper cuts but my skin is resiliaint

but today i’ll win, i’ll k!ll him
and i’ll k!ll the man i see in the mirror tonight

i’ve been infatuated with the idea of a world where my voice just goes silent
where my light won’t shine bright again
i’ll fly there tonight
i’ll go cold on the world
don’t try to revive me
who cares if my lights go out
they were blinking too much
i’m too cold hearted for this, but when my body’s cold it’ll all be over
all the chokes and the screams all the crying will be over
the pressure on my world is eased
i’m screaming, do i sound like i care
who cares if i go out i’m a coward
my whole brands been cowardice

flight just landed im only halfway there
at the baggage carousel
all i had was emotional baggage
all i had was paychecks and damages
i paid everything to get on flight 91
im gonna have to hitchhike
or walk 17 more miles
thats what they call it down here
i found a taxicab
he cut down the fare
if he dont he getting mugged
i don’t rock with with anybody in this ghost town
i dont rock with anyone, period
we had boys in the clique down in milwaukee but they went ghost on us
i was sitting in the back of that crown vic
thinking
thinking lightyears ahead of everyone else
and in my head, it’s really the purge outside
climate change looms on the horizon
every roundabout was a curve
a learning curve
i said i’d get to the terminal
but fate had other plans
if it ain’t right now, its never happening
i guess its never happening
so he can’t have something i can’t
it ain’t gonna happen under my watch
50 bucks, knicked fossil
you stay polishing his rolex
euthanasia apparatus, mirage
so i check the meter
its 10 dollars a gallon
and i ain’t see no hollywood signs outside
the worlds coming to an end
my worlds coming to an end
i was tryna make my ends meet
i ain’t never have no meet and greets
i ain’t never gon turn muscat to moscow
or santorini
i always wore my heart on my sleeve
ripped apart my sleeves
so what’s next?
nothing else on my cards
i got a gun to my chest
but i’m praying god dont take me next
first, their story ends
i’m praying we make it to the apartment complex
in one piece, don’t seize the ecstasy pills
airport security
we was at terminal one
i told my brother take the legacy
we was posted up with sticks and sh*t
hijackers for the thrill of it
i got me a bounty knife
i’m about to let loose tonight
im gone let loose tonight
ankle high water
i’m im caving in
i told the driver
go faster, max out the carburetor
i’m pulling up to
1024 greenway drive
on the radio, tuned to 104.5
they playing basquiat freestyle
i’m im at my summit
they can’t tell me nothing
you can’t tell me nothing
euthanasia apparatus
i need a reason to end it

i’m walking up the driveway
that escalade ain’t always been here
whos is it?
is it someone that climbed up the sears tower?
before i could have my track on the time square billboard walls
imma ball till i fall
no one loves you like i do
so imma let loose?
i was at terminal one
with sticks and sh*t
i got the green light from j, a, j, i said my last goodbyes
i got me a bounty knife
but i need my trophy wife
my cabinet ain’t empty
we ain’t chicago bulls, but i never play the bull
but i ain’t scrolling through first cries buying no bassinets
there he was, walking out
girl of my dreams, in his arms
safe in his arms
i was born on 24th
i will die on the 14th
valentines day, it was never meant for me
she’s right in front of me but she’s far from my reach
he can’t have what i can’t have
he can’t bag what i can’t have
he ain’t got what i don’t have

get away from me
get away from me
thats what you screamed to me
he’ll be the one pays the price
i can always take it out on someone you really love
i love the position hes in, front row seats to watch him bleed
pound after pound from my fists
you’re screaming
i love the way you scream, scream my name like you screams his
should’ve been screaming my name all night, yeah
he ain’t still get the gist?
tism speaks that’s why you been the loudest
bounty knife in my backpocket
he ain’t good enough for these fists
i’m gonna be the fisting his chick
patek on his wrist
always dreamt of owning one for the thrill of it
now it’s mine to take with me to heaven
you ain’t no heaven sent
the pictures lied to me
but you ain’t get the gist
11 years?
you never will
“don’t k!ll him”
yes i will, i will
because your name was destined for my will
i can’t introduce you back into my life
then end it
just for you to cry
over me on his shoulders
i wanna watch you cry over him, on n0body shoulders
i’ll give you this cold shoulder
when my dead body’s gone cold
i moved the biggest boulder
i’m im climbing up the hill
50 miles out of the city
silent hill
my mirage
told you shut your mouth, get inside
the escalade, don’t choke me with no seatbelt
i gotta be in moving in stealth
3 tons, of baggage
emotional baggage
pulled the keys outside his*pocket
pocket watch plain jane rollie
i told you everything
i told you everything
i showed you the wedding ring
he ain’t do you swarovski or tiffany’s
lets claim responsibility together
lets head to fulton county
let me assume clyde form, you can be bonnie
boney m cd in his two track player
good god gracious, i slayed him
happy souls he knew no better
i’m driving over the mirage
driving over these sandy plains
in the outback
these ain’t arabian sands get my t truck back
i got my rights back
the kling
the kling spirit wins, the kling triumphs all
till they lock him up
you’re scared of the kling
h*ll, you’re scared of the kling in your genes
you will be
i knew you will be
three bloodlines worth of kling blood
j don’t be scared of me
you know i bleed for theee
i carved your name into my hand
as soon as i heard the sirens in the distance
not the ambulance
the sirens and the guns
i’m im cornered in this plain
rat neighbours
should’ve got the mole treatment
i was born in illinois
i willl become with the sand in america again
i will die on this soil
eagle on my coil
or somewhere
how about now, how about now?
slit my wrists
caddy parked over the mirage
the smokescreens
the 20s werent ours
is this what pain feels like
you watch me crumble on the surface
you watch me, you watch me with those starry eyes
i’m always used to me watching you
but you’re the one, watching me for once
with your left eye
and your right eye
with the blade
i’m grateful
your screaming
screaming my name
i did it
i ruined my life
how about, you ruined mine?

what i gotta do for validation and peace in this world
sell my soul? leave it?
maybe i should just cut out the piece of me that holds me back
and then i’ll get back on track

- sutaijian lyrics

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