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dear santa - stodolak & kerr lyrics

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[claire]
dear santa, we have a confession

[samantha]
we need to ask you for forgiveness

[samuel]
for there is absolutely, positively no question

[sams]
that we’ve been up to monkey business

[claire, spoken]
what are some of the things you are sorry for?

[samantha]
i filled our ice dispenser with tons of jelly beans
and added plastic spiders into our salad greens

[samuel]
i drew our teacher as a creature blowing flames so fiery
and did a live stream reading of claire’s diary

[samantha]
i’m sorry for the snow i put inside of vicki’s shoes
[samuel]
and that wе like to wake her up by playing our kazoos

[samantha]
wе apologize for all the lies that we have told her
which we understand now that we’re older

[sams]
we hereby swear to tell the truth
we’ll leave those escapades in our youth
there’s a chance this circumstance could end quite bad
we need for you to help us with our dad

[claire, spoken]
well, that was somewhat of an apology

[samantha, spoken]
keep writing! this part is important

[samantha]
he can’t see through her hexing

[samuel]
perhaps he’s going blind

[samantha]
it’s all a tad perplexing
[samuel]
or else he’s lost his mind

[sams]
please reverse her awful curse and bring us any other
or else that wicked witch could be our mother

[samuel]
she’s evil and she’s vile

[claire]
ridiculous

[samantha]
i’ve never seen her smile

[claire]
conspicuous

[samantha]
she’s got fangs

[samuel]
and ugly bangs

[samantha]
and when she’s deep in sleep, i bet she hangs from above
[claire]
vicki’s not a vampire

[samantha]
that we know of

[claire, spoken]
okay, so you are asking santa to exorcize our house?

[samuel, spoken]
why would we want santa to exercise in our house?

[samantha, spoken]
we just want him to get rid of vicki

[samuel, spoken]
plus, his belly is part of his look

[claire, spoken]
okay, how about this?

[claire]
forget the gifts we asked you for

[samuel, spoken]
no way, speak for yourself

[claire]
we truly don’t need any more

[samuel]
and who made you head elf?

[samantha]
we don’t have time to sit and whine, to argue or be picky
or dad will get down on one knee for vicki

[claire]
if you really want my advice
you must be willing to sacrifice
we insist you give our gifts to our sister claire

[samuel spoken]
can she really do that?

[samantha]
that’s so unfair

[samuel spoken]
take that out!

[samantha, spoken]
if we have to sacrifice, so do you!

[claire, spoken]
you read my diary to the internet!

[samuel]
when will i get a boyfriend?

[samantha]
why have i never been kissed?

[samuel]
maybe i’ll get noticed if i stuff my bra

[claire]
good luck getting off the naughty list

[samuel, spoken]
no! claire, please

[samantha, spoken]
we’re sorry. we’ll take it down

[claire, spoken]
it’s still up?!

[sams, spoken]
no…

[claire, spoken]
you two are the worst

[samantha, spoken]
okay, sam, we’re on our own

dear santa, we know you’re really busy and this is super last minute, but we would like to cancel our previous letters. we’re not asking for any presents for ourselves. this year, all we’re asking for is that our dad gets to be happy—like really, really happy. it’s been so hard on him without our mom. we just think he deserves someone incredible, because he really is the best dad ever

[sams]
so, dear santa claus
we ask that you take pause
we promise to be good as new
hear this desperate plea of true believers
signed, your rehabilitated, dutiful and dedicated, truest newest nice list high achievers

- stodolak kerr lyrics

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