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hitchhiker - steven wright lyrics

so i’m driving down the highway. there’s a guy hitchhiking and he’s holding a sign that says “heaven”. so i hit him

probably went there. he looked like a nice guy

***

i got a new dog. he’s a paranoid retriever

he brings back everything ’cause he’s not sure what i throw him

***

sometimes i like to go into a waiting room and just sit there and wait

the nurse comes out. “do you have an appointment?”

“nope. just waiting.”

“what are you waiting for?”

“nothing. just avoiding the moments.”

“would you like to see the doctor?”

“i don’t know. what kind of a doctor is he?”
“he’s a foot doctor.”

“…i’d likе to see a man that tall.”

a few minutes later, a twеlve*inch guy walks out into the waiting room

he says, “take off your shoes and socks.” i take ’em off. he looks at me and says, “there’s nothing wrong with you.” i said, “take off your shoes and socks.” he said, “what do you think?” i said, “i don’t know. i’ve seen bigger feet on a bird.”

then he started dancing really fast and whistling really loud and then i left

[silence, then laughter]

what the h*ll did you think was gonna happen?

you people are crazy

***

when i was in third grade, i had a 70*year*old teacher and she could barely hear anything so she would turn the thermostat down to 16 degrees so in case anyone talks, she could see your breath come out of your mouth

that was the same year i had a globe that lit up and i used to use it as a nightlight. i put it on the floor in my bedroom which was pretty cool except some nights, i’d wake up in the middle of the night all freaked out thinking i was floating in outer sp*ce

then, in 1969, the teacher showed us pictures of the earth taken from the apollo and she said, “does anyone know what this is?” and i said, “yes. that’s the floor in my bedroom.”

***
when i was seven, my parents had a party and i went around to all the guests with a glass of water and i said, “here, drink this! this is a magic glass of water. if you drink this, you’ll all get a little bit taller.” and they all drank some and they thought, “oh, isn’t this a weird kid?” when they all drank some and went back to what they were doing, i went to the room where they keep all the coats and i hemmed all the sleeves two inches

they were all freaking out when they left

***

i’m a tired man

- steven wright lyrics

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