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invocation and instructions to the audience - stephen sondheim lyrics

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[1st actor]
gods of the theatre, smile on us

[2nd actor]
you who sit up there stern in judgment
smile on us

[1st actor]
you who look down on actors…

[1st/2nd actor]
and who doesn’t?
bless this yearly festival and smile on us

[1st actor]
we offer you song and dance

[2nd actor]
we offer you rites and revels

[1st/2nd actor]
we offer you grace and beauty
smile on us for this while

[1st actor]
gods of the theatre, smile on us

[2nd actor]
you who sit up there stern in judgment
smile on us

[1st actor]
we offer you song and dance

[2nd actor]
we offer you rites and revels

[1st actor]
we offer you gods and heroes

[2nd actor]
we offer you jokes and insults

[1st actor]
we offer you paeans and pageants
bacch-n-ls and social comment
bless our play and smile
[2nd actor]
we offer you
bacch-n-ls and social comment
bless our play and smile

[1st actor]
yes, but first…
some dos and don’ts
mostly don’ts:
please don’t cough
it tends to throw the actors off
have some respect for aristophanes
and please, don’t cough

don’t say, “what?”
to every line you think you haven’t got
and if you’re in a snit
because you’ve missed the plot
(of which i must admit
there’s not an awful lot)
still, don’t
say–

[2nd actor]
what?

[1st actor]
if you see flaws, please
don’t drop your jaws, please
no loud guffaws, please
when actors enter late

[2nd actor]
when there’s a pause, please
lots of applause, please
and we’d appreciate
you turning off your cell phones while we wait…

[music stops. a cell phone rings.]

[1st actor]
unbelievable

[2nd actor]
unbelievable

[1st actor]
i think it’s you

[2nd actor]
[answering.]
h-llo? this really isn’t a good time. i said, this really isn’t– can you hear me now? can you hear me now?

[music resumes.]

[1st actor]
don’t go “oh!”
each time you see an actor that you know
and if you have to use the lounge below
don’t wait until we’re halfway through the show
especially if you’re sitting in the middle of a row

[2nd actor:]
no smokes, no chow

[1st actor]
unwrap the candy wrappers now

when we are waxing humorous
please don’t wane
the jokes are obscure, but numerous
we’ll explain

[2nd actor:]
when we are waxing serious
try not to laugh

[1st actor]
it starts when we get imperious
and if you’re in doubt, don’t query us
we’ll signal you when we’re serious

[1st/2nd actor]
it’s in the second half

[2nd actor]
do not intrude, please
when someone’s nude, please
she’s there for mood, please
and mustn’t be embraced

[1st actor]
if we are crude, please
don’t come unglued, please
let’s not be too strait-laced
the author’s reputation wasn’t based
on taste

so please, don’t fart
there’s very little air and this is art
and if you feel offended
don’t lose heart

[2nd actor]
that’s what the man intended
he was smart

[1st/2nd actor]
when everything’s up-ended
we can all depart
and now…
but first–

[sound of thunder — the gods are getting impatient.]

[company]
we start

- stephen sondheim lyrics

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