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in the movies - stephen sondheim lyrics

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[ray]
i paid 60 cents for the cab

[hank]
ray paid 60 cents for the cab

[artie]
60 cents for the cab?

[dino]
60 cents for the cab?

[artie]
the meter only said 40 cents

[ray]
well, what about the tip?
20 cents for the tip!

[hank]
big spender

[artie]
big shot

[dino]
big tipper

[hank]
i paid 50 cents for the hat check
50 cents for the hat check

[artie]
i didn’t wear any hat!

[dino]
i didn’t wear any hat!

[artie]
so we don’t have to pay for the hat check

[hank]
so what about the gum?
30 cents for the gum
you guys chewed the gum
so pay me for the gum

[dino]
i paid!

[ray]
i paid!

[hank]
and don’t forget the hershey bars

[mildred]
stella dallas had her dreams
she would see her daughter dwell
in stately homes and places
stella went to all extremes
till finally a wealthy fella
showed at stella
dallas’

[celeste]
stella worked it pretty well
but in the last -n-lysis
though stella’s daughter got the swell
all stella got was calluses

[mildred and celeste]
it just goes to show that even though
your family tree is bare
you still can wind up the intended of
a well-to-do millionaire

[mildred]
it’s so true!
it’s so real!
it has such universal appeal

[celeste]
and it proves mr. samuel goldwyn
is n-body’s schlemiel

if a person treads the path of sin
so her daughter can eat quail
in the movies, she’s a heroine
but in brooklyn, she’d go to jail
in the movies, life is finer
life is cleaner
but in brooklyn, it’s a minor
misdemeanor

in the movies, when a girl has come
from the wrong side of the tracks
in a week, she has a wealthy chum
who can buy her presents at saks
you can start with a bagel
and end up with conrad nagel
on the screen
but in life you wind up
right behind a
pillar in the mezzanine

feed the plot to the fish
life is not like the movies make it seem
still, we’ve got dorothy gish
we can lean back and settle for the dream

[artie]
i paid three bucks for the doll

[hank]
that’s a personal present

[ray]
mildred’s your date

[dino]
mildred’s your date

[artie]
mildred’s our collective date
we all agreed to split her

[hank]
a personal gift doesn’t count, though

[artie]
split three bucks four ways
you and me and ray and dino

[ray]
it only cost two for all that we know

[mildred]
look what’s coming:
valentino! valentino!

[celeste]
vilma banky

celeste & mildred]
lots of sand and hanky-panky

[mildred]
ah!
wearing a purple turban
panting, he holds his hand out
he crushes her lips, she shivers and sighs

[celeste]
but wait till she tries
picking the sand out

[mildred]
ah!

[celeste]
hey, wake up there, theda bara
you’re a long way from the sahara

in the movies, you get carried off
by a sheik dressed in silk robes
on sand dune built for two, you lie
while he gaily kisses your lobes
then he murmurs, “come, i bid you
to my tent,” yet
but in brooklyn, he says, “did you
pay the rent yet?”

when a girl needs male companionship
on the screen she can keep cool
she just slouches and extends a hip
while she whispers, “kiss me, my fool!”
it’s a movie tradition
but when i’m in that position
i get cramps
so i fold my tent, and
pay the rent and
leave the vamping to the vamps

[celeste and mildred]
if you must
be like them
and you’re just
getting up a head of steam
never trust mgm
keep your hips in and settle for the dream

- stephen sondheim lyrics

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