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cookie speech - stephen sondheim lyrics

[spoken]

[faye:]
not! that. word
nor any word like it. “cookies,” schub, that’s what my charges are, cookies from the cookie jar. my name is apple, a*double p*l*e, a fruit well*mentioned in the bible, that bestseller of many miracles. i cite the ten commandments and the burning bush, to mention only two

* or eleven, depending upon your arithmetic
i make them add up to zero because i personally am for the miracles of man, such as the wheel, the alphabet, and thе pyramids of egypt! now, why do i want my cookies to take your waters, i’ll tеll you why. because my cookies are people, schub; they are human beings and they are to be treated as such and have the same rights as everyone else. so you both can bl**dy well let them dip into that leaking drain pipe

if you don’t, i’m not saying i’ll go to the police because i am no fool, nor will i go to the mayoress because she is, but this is a free town in a free county, in a free state in a free country, and i am a free woman with a free mouth, and if you say “no” to my cookies i will open up that mouth and talk! and i am telling you here and now that when i talk, i talk loooooong! aaaaaaand! loooooooooud!

[trumpet flare]

- stephen sondheim lyrics

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