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texas bluebell- a star stable short story - star stable music lyrics

texas bluebell
a star stable short story
part of the soul rider series by helena dahlgren

everyone thinks that terrible things always happen to someone else
still, you can’t help holding your breath from time to time
if you’re superst-tious, you might cross your fingers
avoid black cats, make sure not to break any mirrors
and then you exhale again
we all exhale, all 7 billion of us
but terrible things do happen. they happen all the time
and they can happen to you too
they happen and life will never be the same again
actually, that’s not true. eventually, life becomes normal again
a new kind of normal
but. in other ways, everything has changed forever
i know, because it happened to me

i can hear alex’s voice through the wall. i hear linda
the gently scr-ping sound as she press a dandy brush against the curry comb
meteor’s incessant chewing, some other horse stomping restlessly against the floor
everything has a melody
the stable too
at this point i know the stable melody by heart, it is engraved into my soul
the calm steady humming and scratching sounds, those rare moments of quiet
followed by bustling activity as the first afternoon riders drop in after school
everything is so familiar, i belong here with starshine in his stall
starshine, the horse has somehow became mine although i swore never to ride again
my second chance in life
i know, i know, this sounds melodramatic but it feels that way
this is home, it really is

yet today i feel half a world away
and i don’t know how i’ll ever make it home again
i think i’ll ride alone today – i call out to linda and alex in the neighboring stalls
they nod and carry on tending to their horses
as i pushed the cubicle door to the side herman walks into the stable with a little girl in tow
i think i might have seen her here before but i’m not sure
she avoids my gaze as we say h-llo
this is stella – herman says – rising star of jorvik stables
and this is lisa and starshine
stella smiles a careful smile, peering shyly towards me
but she doesn’t say anything
something squeezes my heart when i see the way she moves
treading slowly, also carefully. it’s like she’s walking on gl-ss
like the world could break at any time
“perhaps her world has already been broken” – i think
i smile at stella in an encouraging way
i hope
she looks into the ground gazing at a long piece of straw lying there
starshine takes a step out of the stall, shaking his head
stella looks up into starshine’s eyes
want to say hi? – i ask
she nods
her body is wired taut as she shuffles closer and stands right next to me
but when starshine rests his big, heavy head against her small one
it’s like her entire being relaxes
i can sense the warmth flowing through her
she laughs as starshine rolls into her open palm, so do i
i bet he thinks you brought him a treat – i say
feeling that invisible hand squeezes my heart once more
a memory starts clawing
trying to find its way out
it’s a difficult one
so i try to store it away most of the time
but now i feel a memory crashing over me and i can’t
won’t keep it away
herman says something
i watch as sella follows him onwards to the other stalls and horses
but everything sounds distant

inside my head a voice whispers
i haven’t heard that voice in a long time
i can’t defend myself
can’t shut it out
it’s already inside me, clear as a bell
isa! – the voice calls
come on isa let’s ride
i flinch
because the voice is so close and it sound so real
but i know that it only exists inside my head
starshine and i walk through the open stable doors
his hooves scr-pe against the hard floor
it has an expectant sound to it
come on big guy – i say
let’s ride into the woods
just the two of us
soon we’re on the trail headed for the woods

i inhale a sweet scent of melting ice
sunlight and coltsfoot
spring really is on its way now
but the air is still cool
we’re trotting so quickly that i can feel the icy wind biting my cheeks
i haven’t a dress warmly enough
as soon as we ride into the shade of trees i start to shiver
but that’s okay. i don’t want to go back to the stables
i need to be alone
this ride is for me and starshine
but not just the two of us
there’s someone else here in the woods too
i carry her inside my heart, always
as naturally as you carry the weight of your own body

today, my heart is heavier than usual
because it’s now, while the birds chirp and the sun shines bright and sharp
that i know with every fiber of my being that a terrible thing
the worst possible thing
has already happened to me
around this time of the year, it’s happening again
all the memories, all the feelings
blossom with the spring flowers
and everything comes back to me
over there by the ditch for example
i could have sworn that ditch was empty yesterday
but now it’s filled with bluebells
the dry spring gr-ss is barely visible underneath the blanket of blue petals
in texas, where i’m from, a special type of bluebells bloom in the spring
they’re called texas bluebells
and they were my mom’s favorite flowers

that day
the last day
they were everywhere
brushing against our horses hooves as we galloped over the plains for the last time
and inside my head, her voice sounds so real
come on isa – my mom laughs – race you up the hill!
through time and sp-ce i hear my mother’s beckoning
and before i’m even aware of it i break into a canter
as i gallop away the flowers become thin, blue streaks along the side of the trail
and suddenly i’m no longer lisa
i am isa
and my legs dangle across the sides of my pony smokey
i know that i’m too big for him
but this spring will be our last spring together
mom and dad have talked about letting me ride one of the bigger horses at another stable close by
a wave of excitement whirls through me as i think about it
at the same time i feel sad when i see my legs dangle well under smokey stomach
it becomes so blatantly obvious that we no longer fit
that this is the end of an era
the end of isa and smokey

from far ahead i hear her voice again
lazy pants – she yells – come on!
my mom’s bright laughter, like a string of pearls
she’s already halfway up the hill, typical mom
i ask for a lope and off smokey goes
his hooves thunder against the gr-ss
the ground is bright blue with flowers
mom starts galloping even faster until she and d-ch-ss are almost flying up the hill
i hear her holler “wohoo”
and i urge smokey on until he snorts and quickens the pace too
it feels like i’m soaring up the hill
the sun is in my eyes blinding me but i don’t mind

but seconds later i’m back in the present back to a sun that cuts right through me
i can’t see
where am i?
and who am i?
lisa or isa?
my hands fumble against star shine
i can feel his mane bristly to my touch but i still can’t see anything
just the m-ssive, boiling sun that somehow seems too big
too bright
too… much
a sound slips out of me, a m-ffled scream
it shatters the air before i even understand where the sound comes from
before i realize that i’m the one making it
starshine skids to a halt, his ears tipped forward
i stare around wildly, breathing heavily
my heart is pounding so fast it almost drowns out the birdsong
why am i so scared all of a sudden?
the thought registers in my mind just before i see it
it wasn’t the sun that made me react this way
no, it was something else
a few yards away lies a big sharp rock
it glistens in the sunlight
we stay away from rocks you and i – i say to starshine
he nickers his reply
the sun shines on our backs
when i turn around towards the sun
i see a dark haired woman on a pinto horse riding up behind me
she gallops, faster and faster and sweeps by
watch out for the rock! – i cry
but she can’t hear me
she just keeps on galloping
a gust of wind makes my eyes tear up
the tears keep on falling
i open my mouth but i can’t make a sound
the silence is an ice cold bath
watch out for the rock, mom
then the rider disappears
perhaps she was never there
i sit alone in the echoing silence

suddenly my body is a child’s body, alien yet familiar at the same time
my legs dangle across smokey sweaty flank
we’re approaching the farm
beyond the field of aquamarine flowers i can see the outline of our house
“soon i’ll be home” i think
dad is there, we’ll get help
what isa doesn’t know is that it’s already too late
that in just two weeks
she’ll be standing in front of her mother’s coffin with a bunch of texas bluebells in her hand
starshine makes a snoring sound and awakens me
sn-tching me away from my memories
he starts to walk very gently
i try to blink away the tears in my eyes as i see spruce and douglas-fir, not wildflowers
but the tears keep falling down my cheeks
the rock, mom – i whisper as a lean against starshine’s mane
why didn’t you see the rock?
my head is full of sounds and images. i can’t stop them
my very own horror movie keeps playing on repeats
it always ends the same way
inside the hospital, holding my dad’s hand
he’s still wearing the barbecue apr-n
i ask him where smokey and d-ch-ss are and dad answers
they’re home, in the stables
i never ask about them again
at that very moment i stop being isa, forever
now i’m just lisa
and i will never again gallop with my mom and lots of bluebells

starshine loweres his head and whinnies
like something has caught his eye
i stand up in my stirrups, dry my eyes
try to follow his gaze
looking over the moss i can see the first delicate birch leaves
they’ve always reminded me of mouse ears
the bluebells are gone
but i can hear something
a whimper, maybe?
yes
something makes a soft squeaking noise among the birch trees
could be a wounded animal?
i dismount, holding tightly onto starshine’s reins
it’s hard to keep up with him as he urges forward away from the path
drawing me deeper into the woods
we leave the sun behind us
in here, among the shadows the cold has an almost wintery touch
an owl hoots
the path right here it’s an animal trail
a thought slips out of my mind
no humans should tread here
a branch snaps under my riding boots, something flutters and then i hear the whimper again
and i see. i catch my breath

the black baby foal lies abandoned on the ground in front of me
his legs are ridiculously long and gawky
his coat all ruffled
i crouch before him so as not to frighten him
carefully, i reach out my hand and approach the foal
he looks just like starshine in that old photo herman showed me once
except his mane is gray, not blue like starshine’s
my heart aches when i hear him winning weakly
his heart is beating fast under my outstretched palm
his long ungainly legs twitching the air
there you go – i say
stroking his tufty fur
he’s as soft as the stuffed animals i used to sleep with when i was a kid
underneath the soft coat he’s startlingly cold to the touch
his eyes fl!cker as he sighs heavily
oh sweetheart – my voice is thick with emotion
where’s your mama, little one?
gently, gently
i caress the foal’s neck
i can feel him tremble
his eyes are half open, slightly dazed
i shut my eyes and a dark thought comes to me
what would have happened if we hadn’t found him right now?
if we had taken another route
he wouldn’t have made it much longer
hours maybe or just minutes
the baby foal is exhausted, cold and dehydrated
but now we’re here and i have to save him
it can’t be too late
not this time
where’s your mama? – i ask again
my throat all choked up
i look into the tiny foal’s eyes, seeing my own reflection
then i think about all those awful horse traps i seen around the island
hard and rusty like ancient instruments of torture
could the foal’s mother had been trapped?
and i see knot grows in my stomach
i don’t have a mom either – i whisper as i caress his neck
tears fall salty and warm against the foal’s dandelion soft pelts
i cry so hard that i start shaking
i cry for myself, for the foal and for everyone who doesn’t have a mom anymore
i cry until i’m all dried out
until i am as empty and cool as the woods surrounding us

starshine lowers his head
next to the foal he looks like a giant
gingerly he sniffs the tiny tiny horse
i pet the little one across a ridge of his muzzle
feeling the warmth of his breath as he responses to starshine’s greeting
their muzzles nudge against one another’s for a brief moment
then starshine steps back and watches me
there’s something eerily beseeching in his eyes, like he’s trying to tell me something
a song hooks into my mind
i can feel the outlines of it
because all my songs have shape and color
this one is black with streaks of pink
starshine’s gaze becomes my comp-ss, like so many times before
i look into his eyes and in that instant i know what to do
the music is louder inside me now. it resonates through my body, grows stronger and stronger
i dry my eyes then i start to sing
my voice soars up into the cool spring air mingling with a scent of moss and the first forest flowers

when i feel the wind blow
i know that you’re here with me
it’s time to let go
but i’m holding onto the memories
cause from where i stand
it looks kind of far but you’re holding my hand

through my song i can heal the sick and the wounded
i’ve known this ever since i first helped starshine
the first time we were out riding in the woods
now i sing for the foal and his missing mother
i sing about sorrow and regrets. about having to say goodbye much too soon
i sing for the bluebells and the bright spring sun

♪this is for you♪

as i sing i feel the warmth spreading out through my hands as i gently press them against the foal sides
my magic, the lisa magic
is all pink shimmering notes as it slowly pours out of me like honey
at last, the shivers subside
i stroke him, grinning wildly when he gets up on those woobly legs
my heart melts when he neighs softly
i get up, my jeans are all muddy
i don’t know how long i’ve been leaning against the foal, singing
but i do know one thing
it’s time to go home
the baby foal trots behind us as we ride up to the stable

stella peeks out from the stable doors
when she sees the three of us me, starshine and the baby foal
her eyes look like they’re about to pop
she walks up to the fall staring in disbelief
she whispers “are you…”
and i realize that this is the first time i’ve heard her speak
the foal approaches stella on wobbly legs, putting his muzzle in her palm
they stand perfectly still until herman comes out of the stable
he too is wide eyed, grinning from ear to ear as he looks at the girl
it’s been a while now – he says
but today a starbreed has chosen someone from the jorvik stables again
you’re his person now, stella
he will follow you everywhere
enter translated subt-tle
hesitantly, she starts walking along the gravel path
the foal follows her
stella turns around and locks eyes with him
the bond between them is so strong
i swear i can feel it radiating towards me
all of a sudden i feel like singing again
wow – still exclaims
i stand with starshine just watching, all warm and tingling side
my eyes seek stella’s and for a brief moment we look at each other
“now you have your starshine” i think
“now you don’t ever need to feel alone again.”

alex and linda emerged from the stable
they go “aww” in unison when they see the baby foal
what shall we call him? – linda looks at stella expectantly
stella turns to me
i want you to name him, lisa
i think about it for a little while
then i see my mother before me and i feel the scent of wildflowers and the hot sun on my face
texas – i say
his name is texas

you have listened to “texas bluebell” a star stable short story
part of the soul riders series written by helena dahlgren
and read by me – emma ös

- star stable music lyrics

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