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game of thrones ultimate birthday rap battle - stage 5 tv lyrics

[petyr baelish]
welcome to king’s landing, a city of kings and wh0r-s where anything can happen
[grand master pycelle]
yes, quite right
[varys]
do be careful, cause sh-t’s about to get real

[robert baratheon]
hoooo…well i’m the f-ckin’ king
robert baratheon, wrathful and nasty
when i drop the f-ckin’ hammer, invade like a pathogen
now give me three wh0r-s so i can smack that -ss again
and build a bigger orphanage to put all my b-st-rds in
my wife’s a brother-f-cker and a straight up b-tch
who gave me three blonde sh-ts
but her daddy’s rich
wine!
all this -rs–l!ckin’s makin’ me sick
i thank the gods that a boar put a tusk through my pancreas

[cersei lannister]
i gestated my bro’s dna
[tyrion lannister]
not mine!
[cersei]
thought my inbred kids were okay
[ned stark]
seriously?
[cersei]
but i’m afraid that…
[ned & tyrion]
joffrey is a half-wit, demented, s-d-stic piece of sh-t

[joffrey baratheon]
you better say that i’m the king or i’ll chop off your head
and put your genitals in the genital jar i keep in a drawer beside my bed
[sansa stark]
your grace?
[joffrey]
yes, give her a gift, hit her in the face
[sansa]
why?!
[joffrey}
women are so weak and weary, bring her back when she has her period
burn the traitors
crush the north
k!ll the babies
f-ck the poor
i’m so bored with cutting out tongues but i’m getting it done mutilating wh0r-s
[margaery tyrell]
is this your’s?
[joffrey]
yes, it is
[margaery]
talk about k!lling i love that sh-t
stabbing, hacking, blood and guts
[joffrey]
hold on, i’m about to jizz

[varys]
sadly, i cannot
[pycelle]
no jizz, quite right
[baelish]
a sorcerer cut off your junk, we know
at least it wasn’t your head
[varys]
poor ned stark, what will the north do?
[pycelle]
my jizz is like baking soda
[varys]
the stark bannermen?
[baelish]
why are they so f-cking happy?

[stark bannermen]
oh h-ll yeah!
what what!
northside!
all hail king in the north, robb stark!
[robb stark]
yeah, yeah!
we fight for independence, its a glorious day
cause i married for love, and its cool with the freys!
yo we’re heading to a wedding, gonna party today
and i’m gonna be a dad, god everything’s great!
[catelyn stark]
winter is coming
[robb]
so we’ll hang out inside!
[catelyn]
but winterfell burned down, robb
[robb]
well, look on the bright side
lemme hear my starks are we doin’ alright?!
[bran stark]
father’s dead, we’re homeless, and i’m crippled for life
[rickon stark]
i’m hungry
[arya stark]
i’m alone in the middle of the war
[sansa]
i loved the g-y boy but i married the dwarf
[robb]
see, that’s what i’m talkin’ ’bout, we’re havin’ a ball!
[lysa arryn]
i’m gonna breastfeed robin until my br–sts fall off!
[northern girls]
we are the north!
[robb]
brienne, how’s it goin’ with the kingslayer?
[brienne]
rapists have me and i’m fighting a bear!
[robb]
cool, how’s it hanging theon?
[theon greyjoy]
really bad!
[arya]
i met a lady who had demons in her vag!
[northern hook]
we are the north side, ay!
doin’ it our own way!
[robb]
hey, it’s my boy jon snow! what up jon!

[samwell tarly]
um, h-llo…we have a bit of a problem here at the wall…
it’s…it’s a bit nippy and…well…
[jon snow]
there’s f-cking white walkers
sh-t’s crazy, i’m freezin’ to death
with thieves and rapers, had to swear off s-x
if i could take it back, i’d take the black and shove it up craster’s -ss but it’s too late for that
with zombies surgin’ south
[samwell]
i’m out
[jon snow]
gonna die a virgin now
but one day there was a wild woman, took me into a cave, got undressed
[samwell]
you saw br–sts?
[jon snow]
yeah!
and we had cave s-x!
[samwell]
cave s-x?!
[jon snow]
yeah, cave s-x!
[samwell]
you knew where to put it!
[jon snow]
oh, cave s-x!
[samwell]
i forgot to send the ravens…
[jon snow]
i’m havin’ cave s-x!
[samwell]
cave s-x!

[varys]
seven h-lls…
[robb]
who’s that?
[robert]
it’s the targaryen girl!
[joffrey]
sound the alarms!
[robert]
she’s come to take back the seven kingdoms!
[robb]
well, its more like six kingdoms now
[joffrey]
hide me with the children!
[robb]
you know, since we seceded
[joffrey]
i’m p–ping!
[robb]
she should take the other six, why not?
[robert]
shut up, joffrey you weird little sh-t!
[joffrey]
nooooooooooooooo!

[daenerys targaryen]
i got dragons, b-tch
i started out with nothing but sh-tty older brother in a pentos penthouse
i got pimped out, to a dothraki warlord with a horde of slave-takin’ thugs, f-ckin’ like dogs in public
queen of the savages, got three dragon eggs, ate a horse heart, took it down, didn’t throw up
got knocked up, but i mistakenly traded in the fate of the baby and put my hubby in a coma
smothered his -ss and built a funeral pyre, took the blood magic witch, burned the b-tch alive
climbed inside and fried eggs a awhile, from the ash came my naked -ss and three reptiles
touchin’ my kids? better ask my, i’m the mother of dragons, pyat pree
yeah, that freak, you better come at me with more than a manticore if you wanna blast me
[ser jorah]
khaleesi…
[daenerys]
you got a dirty mouth, yeah you best sit down before i go to town
with some valyrian, you ’bout to fear me when i turn and burn this motherf-cker to the ground
i’m stormborn comin’ out the flames, k!ll the masters, free the slaves!
from qarth to braavos and slaver’s bay, every b-tch crakin’ whips gonna know my name
[ser jorah]
khaleesi…
[daenerys]
send a raven to westeros, cause i’m puttin’ three dragons on a big -ss boat
tell the usurpers that i’m comin’ home, to take back the realm and the iron throne
like a hound takes a b-tch…
happy birthday!

- stage 5 tv lyrics

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