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star wars prequels recap rap (episodes 1-3) - ryan tellez lyrics

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journey to a galaxy once upon a time
to a planet in the milky way in 1999
where an epic sp-ce opera that inspired generations
got a hefty second helping full of cgi animation

start again in the stars with a jedi beginner
obi-wan and his master qui-gon schindler
two cloak-wearing jedi
doing mind tricks and saber fights

full of moral insight
but they trained vader, right?

yes, we’ll get there, but for now be patient
first deliberations and foreign relations
negotiations, the trade federation
senate delegations

(yah!) i’m bored

action stuff! blaster fire!
all the things we know and like
weird looking monsters based on racial archetypes

a money-minded israelite, aliens from asia
and a slapstick comedian from lucas’ jamaica (h-llo!)

little ani, chosen one? could he be a jedifam?
used to be a magic thing
but now it’s just a blood exam

ani enters into an adrenaline junkie sport
a deadly race that honestly, was better on n64
celebration, liberation, time to leave the cradle
but before we go, any questions?
(yeah… are you an angel?)

it’s padme black swan, sp-nky little teen
just a simple handmaiden, just kidding she’s the queen! (what?)

now it’s time for war with the cannon fodder robots
fought with military strategy and discipline… or not
pratfalls with blue b-lls, wilhelm flailing
accidental piloting (now this is podracing!)

stalking in the shadows is a scary looking sith
known as darth maul, double sabers
man he’s cool as sh-t

laser walls, awesome duel, takin’ schindler off the list
obi flips, maul is split (aww that was it?)

palp elected chancellor, even though it’s quite wrong
wipe it to a pyre to let qui-gon be quite gone
celebrate the victory, i’m sure it will be lifelong
all done, mr. williams? cue the sp-ce fight song

star wars these were the prequels
prequels of star wars
they were a thing
jar jar’s so d-mn annoying
childhood destroying
how could it get worse?

send in the clones, here we go
for this ’03 oscar nominee
that’s half galactic mystery and half romantic comedy
everylone looks similar to when we saw them last
but obi has a beard now to show that time has p-ssed

the republic is disorderly, and padme’s now a senator
ani is a h-rny teen, desperate to get with her
it’s super cute, the flirting is so memorable
“please don’t look at me like that”
“why not?”
“it makes me feel uncomfortable”

moving on, obi-wan is on a mission
trackin’ an -ss-ssin who is huntin’ politicians
tranq darts, missing planets, mystery unravels more
he travels across the galaxy to
basically an apple store

white giraffe creatures who’ve built a clone army
so they’re all the same dudes throwing
shrimps on the barbie
they’re made of one aussie named jango fett
the -ss-ssin obi has him, but he’s slippery when wet

so the love story grows with two opposites attracting
represented by the christensen tutorial on acting
can you feel love? (we are encouraged to love)
can you feel pain, though? (i’m in agony)
well now i gots to know how you feel about sand! (i don’t like sand. it’s co-rs- and rough and irritating and it gets everywhere)

okay

now to tattoine, mommy taken, ani on a kanye ride
crying scene, mommy croaks, ani gets a murder vibe
“i slaughtered them like animals!” that deserves sympathy
but obi-wan needs help so forget about your k!lling spree

meanwhile the republic now t–ters on the brink
not because of palp, because of senator binks!!
geonosis, meet the villain, dooku is the name
then run and jump, conveyor belts, ending up in chains

escape from the monsters! hey portman abs
the jedi intervene and -now- the clones attack
windu hacks jango’s head, it’s a brutal battle scene
it don’t affect 3po’s comedy routine (come one!)

dooku owning jedi, alters ani’s physiology
rescued just in time by yoda’s cartoon ch0r-ography
one more “oscar-worthy” shot to show how big the army is
super secret wedding, that’s totally not ominous

star wars these were the prequels
prequels of star wars
the reason i drink
lucas was the director, writer, producer
f—-ed everything

war in the stars! hey! get it everybody?
obi-wan and ani flying ships and gett’n chummy
fight with dooku one more time
and at the chancellor’s persuasion
ani puts an end to dooku with motif decapitation

now we need a new villain
we got grievous ’cause… reasons
who’s mostly a droid but he has trouble breathing?
commanding an army with a lightsaber groupon
faces off with obi who then caps him, let’s move on

christensen’s trying hard to act with mcgregor
nothing out the norm, but hey! portman is preggers!
which doesn’t end well, given ani’s night terrors
but they’re just dreams, ani, is there room for slight error?

f–k no!
it’s all literal! we take it super serious!
so he talks about it with his father figure sidious
“save the ones you love from death”
ooh, he likes the dark side
“can i learn this power?”
“not from a jedi”

i’ve had it with these monkey fightin’ sith in the senate!
and then mace makes him age 90 years in 30 seconds
lightning vs. purple saber, ani’s zero hour
then windu out the window, “unlimited power!!”

order 66, “wipe them out, all of them”
obi-wan and yoda? “ok, fine, most of them”
ani full on dark side, chopping up toddlers
on a murderous rampage (oh yeah, chewie’s in this one)

palp controls the senate seats
(whoa, do you get it, brah?)
lightning battle, yoda tunnels
now he’s bound for dagobah

padme tries to change his mind
but ani’d rather choke his wife
time for one more saber fight, but
(whoops! floor is lava guys!)

higher ground, ani flies, leg slice, yellow eyes
“you were the chosen one!”
“i hate you!” (nice)

warm and fancy er where padme leaves the game
but not before she gives her babies arbitrary names
now they’re reconstructing vader back to james earl jones
who sums up our feelings on the prequels: “noooooo!”

well now that’s over, guess it’s all up to disney
the future looks bright but for now i need a whiskey

- ryan tellez lyrics

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