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spider-man trilogy recap rap - ryan tellez lyrics

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back in ’02, man those were the good days
with tobey parker and he wasn’t from the uk
and young franco was his nerdy best pal
both crushin’ on mj, the next-door gal

radioactive spider
well, you know the details
20-20, reflexes “go web go!”

flash fight at school
spidey-sense is the advantage
then he takes it to the ring with macho man savage

uncle ben tries to give peter advice
then he’s k!lled by a criminal that peter let slide
fueled by guilt, peter starts fighting crime
in a tight red suit by his own design

after graduation, peter needs a way to get cash
starts takin’ selfies for j jonah whiplash

while harry takes mary jane, dontcha know
on top of that peter’s got a brand new da-foe
harry’s dad, the goblin, looking for payback
by raining on parades and targeting the handicapped

spidey saves mary jane from multiple threats
upside down make out sesh
you could say she’s extra wet (ew!)

goblin makes an offer spidey refuses
so he frightens aunt may, then makes spidey choose his
girl or the kids, spidey holds with all his might
saved by the citizens, fly off to the final fight

goblin has the upper hand
spidey fights back again
goblin tries to trick him. flip!
glider to the abdomen

spidey brings the body back and
whoops! harry’s home
at the wake, peter puts mary jane in the friend zone

gifts and curses, spider-man abilities
with great power comes great responsibility

spider-man, spider-man
raimi’s excellent spider-man
character development
dialogue with sentiment
that’s how you do a spider-man

2 year later, peter’s always late
with pizzas, to cl-ss, and even to dates
with mj, the girl still waiting next door
for peter to sack up and give her some more

but spidey made a promise to society
and is strugglin’with performance anxiety
he’s poor, he’s sad, he k!lled harry’s dad
yet everybody sees him as a charming lad

especially otto, a relative physicist
peter’s new hero, until he turns villainous
and horror movie murderous
like a scene from hitchc-ck
eight limbs uninhibited
you can call him “doc oc”

monster on a rampage, steals from a bank and
spidey can’t hang, man still shootin’ blanks (d-mn)
sorry uncle ben, “i’m spider-man no more”
just peter parker, back to life as a dork

but hey, now he has time for mary j
for school, for food, and even her play
but not for amends with his closest friend
so harry teams with the doc to enact revenge

slow-mo car crash, mary jane gets sn-tched
clock tower, tense battle, runaway train catch
spidey is a hero, but to doc he’s a zero
and to harry he’s a daddy k!ller
who is really peter (oh)

back to the rampage, “oh hey mj!”
power of the sun, in the bottom of the bay
wedding day runaway, jonah’s son gets screwed
next door to door way, pete and mj “woo!”

long awaited kiss, that’s one happy spider
for now this curse is a gift, “go get ’em, tiger”

spider-man, spider-man
there’s the story of spider-man
that was it, most certainly
it’s a two-film trilogy
we’re done with all the spider-mans!

(aw, do i have to?
okay, okay, fine!
lucky i had something prepared)

peter’s with mj, for now they chillin’
’til he’s gotta deal with not 1 but 3 villains
sandman’s one, peter’s best friend’s two
but his biggest struggle is against sticky black goo

he knocks out harry, who then loses his memory
now he’s a charming creep: franco in reality
mj’s mopey but peter’s just gravy
he’s too busy swingin’ with bryce dallas stacy

they upside down kiss and mj’s p-ssed
so she gets back with harry, what an awkward twist
but we get some new developments
that none of y’all bet on
sandy k!lled ben! why? unnecessary ret-con!

spidey gets gooey and 50 shades darker
he “k!lls” off sandy and the good peter parker
gets an emo ‘do, black suit, dances so awkward
it’s the visual equivalent of nails on a chalkboard

also he’s a d-ck to mj at her sad job
and a d-ck to topher as he turns him into sad brock
and subsequently venom, man that wasn’t tacked on
then he gets with sandy and the final battle’s back on

like clockwork, mj’s in peril
spidey’s outmanned, ’til he’s aided by harold
for like half a second, then he’s conked on the melon
tube song, grenade, and that’s the end of venom

afterwards, sandy just wisps away
harry p-sses on at the break of day
one more funeral to show them in pain
and one last dance with mary jane

there was such great power all throughout the trilogy
but spidey 3 is just irresponsibility

- ryan tellez lyrics

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