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sidemeat intro/sidekick heaven - riders in the sky lyrics

[spoken intro]
sidemeat: *mwah*phew* hey, ranger doug! ranger doug!
ranger doug: hey sidemeat, the old sidekick. whatcha’ up to, pal?
sidemeat: i had a dream last night, ranger doug! i wanna tell you about! *mwah*phew*
ranger doug: well just give us the news and not the weather
sidemeat: say, are you implyin’ i’m spittin’?
ranger doug: i am indeed
sidemeat: well, i ain’t spittin’! that’s “the cry of the sidekick”! *mwah*phew*
ranger doug: “the cry of the sidekick”?
sidemeat: that’s the sound the sidekick always makes in the old western movies. at some point in every western, thе sidekick will turn to gene or roy and say *mwah*phеw*. i don’t know why. but uh, let me tell you about my dream…

[chorus]
i dreamed i was there
in sidekick heaven
oh what a beautiful sight

[verse 1: sidemeat] [spoken]
yeah, i don’t know if it was the foot*long green chili burrito i got down at the shoot n’ scoot or what, but i had a whopper of a dream last night. i dreamed i rode my mule up through the clouds, past riders in the sky, and clean as ‘fer as sidekick heaven. i rode him through the great pearly corral gates they got there, tied him up at a solid diamond hitching post and then i seen him, leanin’ against the golden bunkhouse door waiting to greet me. it was the greatest sidekick of ’em all, “the old gabbaro”, gabby hayes!

gabby looks at me and says: “i*du*wah*i*du*wah*do*suh*duh*sidemeat. i*du*wah*i*du*wah*do*suh*side?”
“what the heck did you say?” i says to him. “why don’t you speak english so i manage to understand ya?”
he went *mwah*phew* and i knew he wanted me to come inside! *mwah*phew*

[chorus]
i dreamed i was there
in sidekick heaven
oh what a star*studded night
[verse 2: sidemeat] [spoken]
we walked in the bunkhouse and i see them sittin’ at a barrel playin’ poker. a couple of the fuzzies: fuzzy knight and al “fuzzy” st. john. and oh! leanin’ against the wall over there, ranger doug, was walter brennan

[ranger doug doing an impression of walter brennan]
“one of these days, i’m gonna climb that mountain.”

[verse 2: sidemeat cont.] [spoken]
yeah, i guess he climbed that rascal, all right. next to him was slim pickens and then come tonto

[ranger doug doing an impression of tonto]
“hmm, kemosabe.”

[verse 2: sidemeat cont.] [spoken]
yeah, pancho

[ranger doug doing an impression of leo carrillo’s laugh]
“cisco!”

[verse 2: sidemeat cont.] [spoken]
way in the corner there was hop*sing. i guess that was the “third world” corner of sidekick heaven. *mwah*phew* then we heard a great commotion and we run to the window and i look outside. there’s a feller driving a jeep, waving his hat and screaming “whoa, nellybelle, whoa!” it was pat brady!

[chorus]
i dreamed i was there
in sidekick heaven
oh, but their timing was great
[verse 3: sidemeat] [spoken]
then we went out the back door and i seen this feller fall off his horse and into the horse trough, like he did in 7000 pictures, it was smiley burnette, gene autry’s sidekick. oh! there goes andy devine, “wait for me, wild bill, wait for me!”

and then i seen some guys sittin’ on the top rail of the corral fence, they sorta looked familiar, but i didn’t really know who they were. it was all the sidekicks that no one can remember. raymond hatton. who would know raymond hatton? i didn’t know him! he had a little name*tag that said “h*llo, my name is raymond hatton. welcome to sidekick heaven, have a nice day!” *mwah*phew* next to him was “arkansas slim” andrews and shug fisher, max terhune and little elmer. they’d switched their nametags! *mwah*phew* always somethin’ in sidekick heaven! *mwah*phew*

then the gabbaro says “come on, sidemeat, we’re going to the sidekick smithsonian.” and sure enough, ranger doug, there they was: a million hats, made of solid gold. every one turned up in the front. there was greasy apr*ns and phony beards, pile after pile of filthy winter underwear *mwah*phew*

[ranger doug tries to do “the cry of the sidekick”]
*mwah*phew*

[verse 3: sidemeat cont.] [spoken]
yer darn tootin’, ranger doug. i think that’s where it originated. then the gabbaro says “come on, sidemeat, we’re going to the big boss’s ranch house. cause he’s got a tally*book of all the sidekicks yet to come to sidekick heaven, and i think you’re gonna like to see it.” so we went in a big golden room, and all you could hear was a guitar. and a fiddle there, playing. and a talented percussionist. and the accordion. thank you. cept the fiddle was playin’ way up high there. it was way up there, way, way up. but it was in tune! that’s how i knew it was heaven! the dogs were going berserk in sidekick heaven*

[ranger doug cuts in]
wait a minuet! dogs in sidekick heaven?

[verse 3: sidemeat cont.] [spoken]
well, technically they were in critter heaven, which was several blocks down wind. *mwah*phew* some things never change! *mwah*phew* it’s real cozy. you can get your ticket punched and go both places for three days. anyway, critter heaven is great, they got rin tin*tin and half a dozen lassies. anyway, we’re in the big beautiful room and he’s got the tally book, is what i’m trying to tell ya, and he turned the page and some gold dust. and there it was, written in pure platinum, i don’t know what it was, very expensive, they don’t cut no corner in sidekick heaven. *mwah*phew* and he commenced to read a list of all the fellers yet to come and he read: “chester” dennis weaver, “festus” ken curtis, dan quayle. he’s gonna need a name tag, don’t you suppose? pat b*ttram, dub “cannonball” taylor, robert blake as little beaver, sidemeat* *gasps* sidemeat! and that’s when i awoke, and i’m sorry i did. cause…

[chorus]
i dreamed i was there
in sidekick heaven
oh what a beautiful sight

[sidemeat][spoken]
save me a plate of beans, boys. i’m on my way…

- riders in the sky lyrics

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