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the ballad of gg scrumptious part 1 - podmusical lyrics

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[narrator]
oh h-llo there, what’s that? you want a story?
something real and true, but perhaps, too, allegory?
oh well, let me see, let me see, let me have a drink
and think up a story worth your time – let me think-

ah! i’ve got it, and it’s got it all!
a hero and prophecy, a warning, a fall
a promise, a history – hidden, but crucial
and a secret you’ll never guess – though maybe you will

i think you look smart, i mean, you came here to me
when you needed some fun – that’s as smart as can be

so what do you say? let me lay out the scene
let’s start at the beginning, the best place to begin:

born beneath a lard-shaped star
the moon was in the house of starch
(the house, by far, the fattest –
like being born in a fry basket)

his mother labored in great pain
16 lbs, this fellow weighed
and his eyes shown like a grease stain
skin glowed like a c-sserole fresh made
his mama named him golden george
papa sc-mptious was overjoyed
said “we’ll call him gg for short.”

he was in the kitchen by age two
cooking breast milk cheese fondu
had his mama spooked – but one taste she knew:

her boy cooked naturally
over time his talents grew
and his confidence grew too
said he would shape the world of food
fast and casually
he sang:

[golden george]
my gifts know no restraints
soon all the world will know my name
my gift to all shall be
an escape from drudgery
via culinary artistry

[narrator]
so how do you like him? guess he’s our hero
the boy with a wish and a gift… and an ego
but this amico was on to somethin’ –
the world is bitter and cold and troublin’

but nothing’s so warm as something straight out the oven
and filling you up and giving you comfort
adjusting your dials and pushing all your right b-ttons
so why not toot his honker when he’s so much to offer?
food and drink heal – and this boy was a doctor
but he needed more than a gift or a wish
he needed more than an ego – he needed a dish

[golden george]
it’s time to make my fortune
so let the world prepare
i’ll save their mouths from boredom
all other chefs beware!

i’ll keep the oil flowing
i’ll keep the oven hot
i’ll find the dish that shows them
what i’ve got! yeah!
teryaki steak tips!
b-ttered sweetbread fries
cheese-laced onion blossom
ranch on the side
now, here’s my masterpiece! it’s
piled high with 7 cheeses
what taste, what artistry
baked macaroni – i’m a g*nius!

[narrator]
and though it sounds simple, and maybe you laugh
that macaroni pasta put gg on the map
that macaroni pasta was better than yours by half
his use of thousand island dressing was astounding
over seven layers of cheeses, french and italian
and one that might be russian but ain’t n0body telling

mm mm!

see, the recipe’s a secret, and gg’s smart to keep it
’cause everyone wanted what that b-st-rd was selling
the momentum of this dish on every wish list
was enough to propel him to the highest echelon
of chef’s and give him what they all were eyeing:

franchising!

but as gg sat in his kitchen, in centralia new jersey
sizing up contracts, showered in glory
he felt a worry, an itch left un scratched
he was lost in the dark, lost his spark, all seemed black
something ached in his twice baked heart

though his macaroni was a work of art
all that work felt artless heartless
see, at the top, the drop’s all you got left
now, his hostess was a beauty queen
named melanie marie manzine
triple m saw gg’s depression
and so she pulled him near to tell him:

[triple m]
“i watched you build this place –
the joy that played across your face
why not give everyone
a taste thereof
fill your menu with that joy and fun.”

[golden george]
fun? yeah—

[narrator]
thought gg—

[golden george]
that’s the one!
the ingredient i had, but since had shunned
i’ve been so high on my own hot air
i’ve lost the fun that got me there

food should always be fun!
it’s entertainment for tongues!
that was obvious once
but i was blind i was dumb
as to what i’d become!

goodbye to former pursuits!
better to give and include!
without further ado, i present you
a place where the food can always lighten the mood
the all new gg scrumptious, where fun is always on the menu!

[narrator]
well, you can guess what happened next
oh, you can’t? well here it is:
gg rethought the plot of his vocation
he let go of the top and focused on elation
the silly joy and fun of stuffing your face and
drinking your weight in
milkshakes and

when his restaurant reopened after a short renovation
it was a success! he was met with adulation
and opened up franchises in 7000 plus locations!

[golden george]
gg scrumptious, where fun is always on the menu!

[narrator]
and he married his muse! yes he truly fell for
that clever, wild woman who’d been running the door
triple m and double g had their lives intertwined
by a wild west rabbi named tex rubenstein

beneath a papermache macaroni
in the most beautiful mixed-denominational ceremony

[golden george]
finally everything is right
i love my work, i love my wife
this is more than i ever could have hoped for

[triple m]
(crying)

[golden george]
what’s this? my love, why do you cry?
tell me and i will make it right!
there is no worry we’ve in sight

[triple m]
“gg, i’m pregnant!”

[narrator]
what? you don’t feel the tension?
yes of course a child’s a blessing
it’s just – oh, i get the impression
you’re missing a key component to our hero’s depression

so, for a second let’s leave the present
it’s time for a little history lesson…

long ago when the world was young
when the restaurant game had not yet begun
casual eateries didn’t exist
and the only fast food was that you couldn’t catch
if early man sought something good to eat (yeah!)
he’d best fall down on his knees and pray to the gods of drink and feast

it was the perfect way
and would still be today, but…
a lesser god of feast was this gal edesia
ha—your face betrays you never heard the name
you missed nothing if you never met her

though she thought she was an up and comer in game
she made a plan to be
the greatest god of food and drink in history
she’d show humans the holy ways
and thus secure their love and praise
till the end of days

well she didn’t wait more than a thousand years
when a man hit bottom and her chance appeared
a failing chef named ray of the romulus line
stumbled in and begged at the foot of her shrine
he wanted fame and a chance to succeed
he was a fine mix of talent and greed

she saw her play
and she didn’t delay
gave him a vision:
her, descending on the gravy rain
the salty brown drops
washed his pain away
and she offered him the deal
that saw the world changed
in her vision, she said to him:

[edesia]
“oh ray unknown, how your talent and your palate go to waste
as well you know, gods tip the balance, and in their talons grip your fate
in this market how can you make
your name known? oh no!

but i’ve a deal that, if you should take
your fame will grow, and grow, and grow!
i see your wonder, see the hunger in your eyes
with my secrets you’ll stun ‘em be their culinary prize
all that i charge of you
is never have a child – your praise alone is mine

yes, no children shall you bear
though many will you claim as hairs in time
yes the king of food for all your days
the people will taste and they will praise
o’er all you’ll reign, you’ll not be done

you’ll rise so long as the sun has rays
you’ll rise so long as the sun has rays
you’ll rise so long as the sun has rays
and only set when the rays have son.”

[narrator]
you’ll rise so long as the sun has rays
and only set when the rays have son
well ray thought that sounded mighty fair
a heavenly answer to his despair

he bowed in praise, swore his faith blindly
which, for gods, is legally binding
ran down to town to his deep fried peac-ck eye food cart
in an hour he’d sold out, he was the talk of the town, his food a work of art!

and it grew and it grew and it grew and it grew
and ray learned the secret that the gods all knew
and he used them to create a new empire
food that’s fun served fast, with cheer
paired with a casual atmosphere
fills all with food, yes, true, but too – delight!

people could not get enough
they came to get their faces stuffed
how nice! … for ray…
the gods of food and drink were forgot
edesia too, it seems her plot
backfired

and ray looked down over all he commanded
by his death, to 1042 locations had he expanded
and as the ages changed, so did ray’s descendants menus
as they took the empire to new, exciting venues:

the visigoth grill, crusader’s crudo
pita the great, dynasty noodles
the original scythian style pub
bennigans, arby’s and stubbie’s subs
mongol flay it yourself easy horse
and on and on til present day, of course

and the most powerful chain on down that line
was the ray’s pizza franchise
featuring real ray’s, original ray’s, real original ray’s
famous ray’s, infamous ray’s and ray’s of other names
from the first ray’s cart, this chain had continued
and you could still order peac-ck eyes off the secret menu

and they ruled all the franchises with an iron fist
ah – but how did ray’s have heirs, if ray’s never did have kids…?
listen to this:

oh it was all part of edesia’s promise
which was so poorly thought out it was almost comic
the contract was written up by the best lawyer of the time
marcus legislatus, and the print was very fine
as his wife had written it all by hand
and marcus had married the most beautiful cricket in all the land!

but we don’t have time for that part!
what matters is the deal at this vile contract’s heart:
the ray to play stipulation
which stated

that any chain restaurant whose owner mated
forfeited their first born child to the rays
or they handed in their restaurants – either way, they all paid
and the chains turned over became the ray’s
and the children turned over – well, the ray’s they became

many chains tried to avoid this doom:
ray kroc hid his son in a grimace costume
papa john put baby john in a basket of reeds
dave thomas sent wendy to live in a tree
but each was found out, and each child was claimed
and through old, evil magic, was changed to a ray…

mama chef, papa chef, run! hide your child away
look how the rays come, on the 5th birthday of
oh!, what you most love, they’re gonna take away, and
oh!, what you most love -they’re gonna make a ray

they’ll file in, eat up all that you’ve got
and you must feed them your best – whether you wanna or not
then when they’re done – oh! – that’s when you give ‘em either
the first child of your blood, or all of your franchises

all that you’ve built, oh! is it worth the pain
worth all the guilt – oh – to see your child a ray?

many parents chose of course their child to keep
but many a chef was overcome with greed
and that’s how the rays stayed on top of the game
and that about brings us up to date

so now you may be keen
to the fear that chilled gg
when mel
said that she was with son…
all he’d made, all he’d created
was to crumble lest he gave their
son…
what was to be done…

[golden george]
my dear please dry your tears
you’ve nought to fear for our son’s life…
let the rays take all i’ve made
i promise i won’t contemplate
the trade of child for franchise…

[narrator]
well, triple m was overjoyed
but you and me, we know our boy
gg’s not the sort
to sell himself short
he doesn’t give – he takes!
and he’d fight, he might even tempt fate…

sure he’d changed his ways
but to give up everything he’d made?? it-
was a thought that repulsed him, everything he hated
well gg jr came short months later
and his parents love – well, it couldn’t have been greater
and though gg’d been conflicted on what was to be done
he’d greatly underestimated how much he’d love his son

[golden george]
feel how his smile calms me
see how his hands are strong
he’ll be flipping frying pans before too long!
god, he’s such a natural!
see him with that spatula!
one day all that i’ve made will be… no…

[narrator]
yes…

and two weeks before lil g turned 5
a letter came in the mail, said “it’s time
we march your way in 14 days
prepare our feast. signed, the rays.”

outside there was a storm, but there was a knock at the door
gg turned and saw dripping on his floor
a chef, clad all in mauve
how’d the man get inside? gg worried this was bad
but the chef simply smiled and acted as if he had
all the answers in the world. and gg eased, suddenly calm

he offered the mauve chef a drink, but then the chef dropped a bomb:
he looked gg in the eye
and the mauve chef said:

[mauve chef]
“i can save your son
save all that you’ve done
but you must be brave
no matter the pain
and do as i say.”

to be continued…

- podmusical lyrics

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