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weather report - peter schickele (comedian) lyrics

[professor schickele]
okay, and there you have it: the music of p.d.q. bach

[jocko]
they don’t write’em like that anymore!

[professor schickele]
you could say that again. (laughs) but don’t!

[jocko]
my lips are sealed!

[blondie]
(singing) “that’ll be the day…”

[professor schickele]
okay, so what’s up next: do we have a weather report?

[jocko]
nothing new

[blondie]
same as it ever was

[jocko]
there’ll probably be another two or three feet before it stops

[professor schickele]
well, perhaps it’s time to give in to another piece of alleged music by the composer who singled*handedly*

[blondie]
(tentatively interrupting)
y*you know, prof? could we do something a little different, here?

[professor schickele]
(good*natured)
hey, blondie, your wish is my command: you know what putty i am in the hands of a red*headed woman!

[jocko]
yeah, i’ve been meaning to ask you about that, blondie, why are you called blondie?

[blondie]
that’s another story, jocko. what i want to talk about is the fact that this is also an important anniversary for another world*famous musician

[professor schickele]
oh, yeah, who’s that?

[blondie]
today is the 43rd anniversary of elvis presley’s bat mitzvah!

[professor schickele]
(in a “why are we talking about this on a classical radio program?” tone)
elvis presley?

[jocko]
oh, come off it, blondie, elvis presley wasn’t jewish!

[blondie]
he certainly was. his given name was aron. and he changed it to elvis because he was such an admirer of elvis costello

[jocko]
now, wait a minute: i thought i read that elvis costello’s real name was lou!

[blondie]
it was, but presley didn’t know that

[professor schickele]
blondie, what is all this a*

[blondie]
and, if you wanna play trivia, here’s another little*known fact! did you know that elvis costello originally wanted to be a monk?

[professor schickele]
i don’t even know who elvis costello is! or “lou,” or whatever*

[jocko]
a monk?? costello wanted to be a monk?!

[blondie]
that’s right! not only that: he wanted to be the head of a monastery

[jocko]
the head monk!

[blondie]
now, there’s a series of monasteries in germany * and each one of them is famous for making a different kind of beer. the beers are sent out all over the world: you know, one of the monasteries makes michelob, one makes schlitz, one makes rolling rock*

[jocko]
okay, hold on a minute, here. are you about to tell me… that lou costello wanted to be the bud abbot??

[blondie]
that’s what i’m telling you

[jocko]
how ’bout that!

[blondie]
but, of course, he didn’t do that: he discovered music, which his family disapproved of, so he changed his name to elvis!

[professor schickele]
o*okay, blondie: i assume you have some reason for taking us off on what can only be described as a tangent as far as this particular show goes!

[blondie]
well, yes, i do, as a matter of fact! you see… i happen to have come into possession of a very, very, very rare record*

[professor schickele]
yes…

[blondie]
*you know those really early recordings of elvis presley they released a while back?

[jocko]
yeah, i remember they were almost like demos or something

[blondie]
that’s right * well, i have right here in my hot little hand*

[jocko]
i can vouch for that

[blondie]
*a recording made two weeks prior to those famous sessions… by elvis presley’s younger brother, enos!

[professor schickele]
uh, blondie*

[jocko]
enos?? what kind of name is that?? how do you spell that??

[blondie]
e*n*o*s. enos and aaron, they’re both biblical names

[jocko]
man, if my folks called me enos, i’d change my name

[blondie]
what did he know, he grew up with it, he didn’t care! well, at least not until they started calling his brother “elvis the pelvis”…

[professor schickele]
okay, now, blondie? can i talk to you for a minute, here? aside from whether all this is true or not * and i must say that if elvis presley had a younger brother who was also a singer, i should think that even i would have heard of it*

[blondie]
ah, come on, there’s no way the colonel was gonna let elvis be upstaged by a kid brother * who was at least as innovative, if not more so*

[professor schickele]
okay, okay * but the point is, this is a classical music station. we’ve got very strict rules here about what we can play: it’s got to be classical, it can’t be over eleven minutes long, no vocal music during office hours, nothing written after 1912 except for “boléro”, “appalacian spring”, and the gershwin preludes for piano*

[jocko]
(makes buzzer sound)
just a second, prof: you weren’t at the last staff meeting, the second prelude’s been bumped from the playlist

[professor schickele]
what?! dah nah nah nah nah, that’s the most popular one of the three!

[jocko]
yeah, but it’s in a minor key: the new rule is, everything has to be in a major key until after 11pm

[professor schickele]
and we sign off at midnight

[jocko]
right

[blondie]
and even pieces in major keys, to get them on the regular playlist, you have to go through the piece and count the number of minor chords, and if they come to more than 25% of the total number of chords, then* (makes “no” noise)

[jocko]
fortunately, the “adagio for strings” is sort of ambiguous*

[professor schickele]
all right! but the point is, whatever the rules for the playlist are now*

[jocko]
every night, the piece has to be by grieg

[professor schickele]
whatever they are now, i’m sure they do not permit songs sung by elvis presley’s younger brother enos!

[blondie]
but this guy is fascinating! on the one hand, he’s less sophisticated than his brother, more of a rube, maybe: in fact, when the rhythm section lays out for a few beats, he thinks they’re leaving, and he almost loses the beat himself a couple of times! but on the other hand, he’s wilder than elvis, much less predictable * oh, come on, prof! we’re well into the last hour of the show; grumschtat’s on vacation; and i have it on very good authority that the new assistant manager never listens to the station once he leaves the building! who’s gonna know?

[jocko]
or tell?

[professor schickele]
oh, man…

…first they let new age stuff on…

[blondie]
i don’t mean as a regular thing, prof, just tonight!

[jocko]
we’re talking about a few minutes of music, here!

(pause)

[professor schickele]
okay, let’s do it

[blondie]
oh, goody!!

[jocko]
all right!

[blondie]
now, all you stereo nuts out there, be warned: this is lo*fi stuff from a d*nky little studio in the early 50’s, and the record’s been laying around in somebody’s attic for a long time (well, it’s not that bad, actually, but compared to what we’re used to now, it’s not that great, either) * well, so, anyway, here is enos presley, singing a song that his brother elvis * quite a bit later, mind you * made famous!

[professor schickele]
comin’ atchya

[jocko]
on wt*

[professor schickele]
okay, jocko, just “comin’ atchya”

- peter schickele comedian lyrics

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