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the third crime scene - paul shapera lyrics

kevin: woah, where are we?
abi: i don’t think this is new albion
kevin: it’s a small town. maybe it’s early new albion?
abi: no, look at that sign. it says dusty falls
kevin: oh, that’s some town way to the west, on the way to the mountains
abi: when are we?
kevin: look at that old car. it looks like around the time of the war
ryvyr: there’s an outdoor market over there
kevin: let’s go take a look

pendant:
come to me, hear my song

abi: that pendant sure is determined

*scrеam*

abi: there we go
kеvin: all right, let’s get to the bottom of this

townspeople:
there’s murder at the market, there’s termites in the wood
shenanigans have jumped right in and it ain’t lookin good
there’s hanky in the panky, a lowlife here at hand
we’ll hang em before sunset if we can
kevin: and of course it’s you three. can i get your names?
solandra: i’m solandra!
telna: i’m telna
s&t: and we’re super best friends!
solandra: i love you, girl
telna: no girl, i love you
abi: you’ve got to be kidding me
telna: that’s right. solidarity sister
solandra: sisters before misters
kevin: your forever friendship warms my rodent heart. ok, telna, can you please tell me what’s going on here

telna:
two strangers came to market from new albion we thought
they dressed all weird and had this strange ol’ pedant so we got
up to talkin to em, they’re heading further west to get
some message to the monastery, i think they said

telna: someone named named larry needed help
solandra: lucas?
telna: louie?
solandra: no, someone named lloyd
telna: yeah, some guy named lloyd needed help. anyway

that pendant was real pretty thus solandra and me
decided we should offer them, the strangers, special tea
a secret ingredient we had to get from home
so solandra said, now telna you should go
kevin: this secret ingredient wouldn’t be poison would it?
telna: what? how could you? what a terrible thing to say!
solandra: heavens gracious! i’m shocked and offended you would suggest such a thing

telna:
i ran home to get it, but when i got back here instead
the strangers they call voodoopunk were both lying here dead
the very pretty pendant is gone i have no clue
what happened there was nothing i could do

kevin: abi, check her pockets
telna: how dare you? take your hands off me this instant!
abi: well lookie here. weasel root. a tasteless poison
telna: but i wasn’t here. they died when i was gettin’ it
kevin: ok solandra. i cannot wait to hear your version of events

solandra:
telna hurried home so we could give our guests a treat
that pendant sure was beautiful but alas it sure beats me
what happened they just dropped dead, they didn’t last real long
and now that pretty pendant is just gone

but how i heard it singing, it was calling out to me
it hypnotized, it captivized, like it was witchin me
but how i wonder where its gone, i’m sure i don’t recall
a shame about them strangers dead and all
telna: but how could the pendant just disappear? you’d never take it without telling me, would you? cause i mean, we agreed…
solandra: ssh, quiet
kevin: why did the voodoopunks have the pendant in the first place?
abi: probably to drop off at the monastery in the mountains
kevin: all right, elliot, get over here
elias: my name is elias
kevin: whatever. why don’t you explain to us how much of a simp you are?

elias:
my name is elias marsh, and i sell elixirs for your health
if you’re feeling run down, you’re in luck, i have just the thing to help
it’s true i date solandra she might be the love of my life
i sure do hope to someday make her my wife

solandra sent telna home to get the poi… i mean, the you know, secret thing
but it turned out she already had some in her purse she’s carrying
she made some tea and told me that i should give it to the guests
but they got really sick and well, you know the rest

townspeople:
there’s murder at the market, there’s termites in the wood
shenanigans have jumped right in and it ain’t lookin good
there’s hanky in the panky, a lowlifes here at hand
we’ll hang em before sunset if we can

solandra: so he admits to serving them the tea!
telna: wait, you already had the stuff in your purse?
ryvyr: where is my tribes’ pendant?
pendant: come to me, hear my song
solandra: w** it just disappeared. i think elias took it
elias: sugar dumpling! how could you say such a thing?
telna: you lying b*tch! you took the pendant! but we agreed to share it! you promised!
solandra: i know you slept with elias!
telna: one time! we were drunk!
elias: four actually. i made little notches on my headboard to commemorate
solandra: you sl*t!
telna: you lying wh0re!
abi: spell from h*ll time!

kevin: wow, that’s a good spell
abi: there’s really nothing to it, but it shuts them up
kevin: you should use that as your catchphrase
abi: what, spell from h*ll time?
kevin: yeah, that’s not bad
abi: but how often would i get to use it?
kevin: like, once an episode?
abi: hmm, it’s a thought
kevin: ok. is everyone still here? ryvyr, what are you doing?
ryvyr: nothing. i’m just looking for my pendant
kevin: just hang on. i believe i have the solution to this idiocy. if you’re all ready, i’ll explain it

- paul shapera lyrics

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