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han mi's storytime theater - paul shapera lyrics

han:
h*llo everybody, and welcome to han mi’s storytime theatre. or, if you prefer, here give me a second…
(in raven voice) h*llo animate objects i hope to boink one day, it’s me, your favorite creepy and weirdly, desperately thirsty geriatric narcissist! let me just pour myself a dash of green tea… (sfx)… oh, look at me! i’m so obsessed with my little w*lly! hump hump!
oh sadness, i just can’t quite grasp the concept of enthusiastic consеnt. whatever will abate my sadnеss? i know! a medley!

how can you just leave me standing, alone in a world so cold, maybe i’ve issues with my mother, maybe i’m just like my father, too old
in touch with the ground, i’m on the hunt i always drool, i smell like i sound, i’m lost in a crowd and i’m thirsty like a fool
for forty days and for forty nights i hit on guys, but who can stand when i want a man, it’s myself i stan, gonna dance on the floor in the round
mama always told me, be careful what you do, don’t go around being some old fart
and mama always told me, be careful what you shove, in places you should not, because you’re old and got

raven:
i just express myself, baby, put your love to the test, you know you know you got to

han:
make him express how he feels, then you know his love is real

raven: you started without me! and your impression is terrible
han: terribly accurate you mean
raven: oh look at me, i’m sooo raven
han: just try and keep up old man
raven: you need more h*rns in your music. kids today…
han: synthwave grandpa. it’s retro enough even you should recognize it

raven:
come on now han, oh your fans they all want, your dirt oh, so come on now han
han:
sweet dreams and backstories, who am i to disagree, i’ve traveled the world and the seven seas, everybody looking for something

well, my mother was raised in the ghetto of new albion and swore she would get rich by any means. she dropped out of school and started dealing. word is her best friend stole some of her stash once for a party and my mother had to either shoot her or lose face, so she shot her best friend with tears streaming down her face. it earned her respect and she climbed the ladder of the street drug trade
she was sleeping on and off with my dad, a hustler always coming up with impossible schemes, and eventually got pregnant

hey little sister what’s the big plan
hey little sister who’s your superman
hey little sister who’s the one you want
hey little sister shotgun
well, it’s a nice day to start again
c’mon, it’s a nice day for a white wedding

as a young girl, i used to help my mom weigh and bag narcotics. by that time, both my parents were using themselves, and the house was a chaotic and sometimes dangerous place to be, but my dad never stopped trying to dream up the big score that would bring them their windfall they needed to leave the game

so one night they stole a truly epic score, oh lord
but it turned out to be the mob whose cash they stole, oh lord, oh lord

but when the mob they look for you
there is no, nowhere to go, it’s true
all my folks all they could do
was hide, for months we never left it’s true
and finally one day, my mother walked outside
went out for tampons and smokes and a light but
sadly she got made, shot upon the street but
i will always love her
my dad took the bag of money
ran and no one ever saw him again
is he dead or still alive

raven: do you… i can… i can give hugs

han:
if you really want to know what i think of my dad
well i’m thinking he’s a dream on a mean machine who was h*ll when he’s mad
he was a devil in skin tight leather
he always was wild as the wind
and one fine night he ran outta sight
he’s a cool rider, a cool rider
he was cool enough to burn me through and through

raven:
i’ll be here for you tonight, if you need me, if you ever
and if you only hold me tight, we’ll be holding on forever

together:
and we’ll only be making it right, cause we’ll never be wrong
together, we can make it to the end of the line
your love is like a shadow on me all the time
i don’t know what to do i’m always in the dark
we’re living in a powder keg and giving off sparks
i really need you tonight, forever’s gonna start tonight
forever’s gonna start tonight
han:
once upon a time, i was falling in love, now i’m only falling apart
nothing i can do, a total eclipse of the heart

raven:
once upon a time, there was light in my life

together:
now there’s only love in the dark
nothing i can say, a total eclipse of the heart

raven:
turn around bright eyes, turn around bright eyes, turn around
………

han: ok, everyone, so that was the medley part, now for the story part. it’s been a while since we’ve caught up with our good friends in lost hollow, so settle back and i’ll catch you up on the latest happenings

………

lost hollow has stagnated. it’s not growing and the radio show isn’t picking up new listeners. it just plays to a small, dedicated cult following. this is not enough for the town to grow and once these few listeners drift away, the town will fade and die
mary tries to come up with a plan. she calls for a town meeting. the town discusses the dilemma and decides they need to send someone out to the real world to do some reconnaissance. mary is not allowed out, and henry has less than no desire to go. sonya saurez offers to go. she has become sufficiently real and has experience with alternate realities, so she packs up a backpack and heads over to the carnival where the doorway to the outer world is
dr. jesper furby has created gold coins to use as currency and he theorizes it should retain value in the outer world. he makes her a pouchful and a map to navigate the walkway between worlds. sonya sets off
sonya has never been to the outer world of new albion, and is both excited and intimidated. she wanders about, looking at this and that but soon realizes she knows so little about how this world works. she decides she needs to collect information the best way she knows how, by going to a saloon
she tries to pay with the gold coins she has, which are actually worth an enormous amount, but the bartender doesn’t know this and will only accept “proper” currency. sonya becomes frustrated and upset, but a patron at the bar drinking alone offers to pay for her drink. sonya accepts and they set to talking
the patron is a trans male named oliver who has sat down to drink away his troubles. he’s just quit his job at a video game company after months of endless crunching under terrible working conditions. he has no other prospects and is upset and disillusioned with the industry. he listens incredulously to sonya’s story and while he has no idea whether to believe it or consider sonya a complete nut, he tells her that radio is the most outdated and ridiculous way to grow popular awareness of her town and “who on earth thought up such a thing?” if she wants to grow fast she should make a video game centered around lost hollow. sonya becomes very excited and asks oliver if he could help her. oliver is still not sure if sonya is a nut, so he is hesitant, but agrees to come back with her to see the town
long story short, once he travels into the collective unconscious and visits lost hollow, he clearly believes her and agrees to head up the creation of the video game. the gold pieces lost hollow uses as currency are insanely valuable in the outer world and will easily fund the project. oliver sets about creating a company and designing an open*world rpg based around lost hollow and its denizens
this is when the trouble occurs
before the game is finished, they begin marketing it. this builds awareness of the town in the public eye, but something odd then happens
another town forms close to lost hollow, based off an incredibly popular video game: n*z* death war. in new albion, n*z*s are a fictitious type of bad guy like zombies. the game is a first*person shooter that takes place in a war*torn city and surrounding countryside, with a highly popular online multiplayer option
this bleeds over into lost hollow and the town soon finds itself overrun with homicidal soldiers shooting at everything around them while screaming “noob”, cursing and shouting every racist and h0m*phobic epithet in existence
sheriff henry goes over to try to talk sense into them. they scream at him and make him very angry and frustrated. when angry and frustrated he cannot achieve the necessary physical effect needed to turn into hurl
henry angrily goes back to lost hollow and asks dawson calico if he could please take off his clothes in front of henry. dawson does and henry turns into hurl, goes back to n*z* town and trashes the place and all the homicidal players screaming noob. it’s a massacre
the problem is, the idea that during your multiplayer battle a giant, naked beast of a man may randomly burst in and go on a rampage absolutely delights people and n*z* death war becomes even more popular
mary and channelle, a half*wraith girl, hold a town meeting where suggestions are thrown out and debated. in the end, a decision is made and early the next morning mary and channelle fill some packs and set out into the great desert
the walk is long and brutal. channelle is a huge help because, as a half*wraith, she consumes much less normal food and can feed off of dead carcasses, which they find during their trek. mary has a much harder time and eventually goes through all the food and water in the packs as the days pass. channelle had begged mary to stay but mary told her she could never send someone else on a terrible journey she wouldn’t do herself
mary is parched and broken, practically being dragged by channelle, when they finally reach the place on the northern front of the desert mary had remembered being there before, when as an ai they had tried (and failed) to map this region of the collective unconscious. it is a place called num num kittyland, where the num num kitties live
mary talks to the num num kitties and they strike a deal. she then performs a ritual involving scotch, a red clown nose and goth glitter, which sends a rainbow flare far into the sky, falling well out of sight. it is a signal to summon the carnival
raven appears and agrees to bring the carnival, attach num num kittyland to it like a trailer, and drag it across the desert back to lost hollow
this is how the num num kitties invade n*z* death war
while hurl was viciously fun, the rainbow farting num num kitties are absolutely horrific to many of the younger, testosterone fueled fans. while there is a small constituent that absolutely loves their invasive presence, the reaction is catastrophic for the poor game and their company. outside in the real world, a team of tired, beleaguered programmers frantically search the code and firewalls to see how the kitties are possibly interfering with the game, but they can find nothing. within days, the game is shut down and the company goes on to report record losses
oliver meanwhile is creating a masterpiece of a game. he is unfettered by budgetary restrictions and sonya cares nothing for making a profit, so money is spent without thought or care. oliver will go on to become a legend in the gaming industry, not only for his incredible game design but for his unwavering insistence on ethical working conditions and contracts for his programmers
lost hollow as a result has an enormous growth spurt and the lost hollow weird west gaming line is one of most top rated of all time

….

and now it’s time for viewer mail. today we have a question from katelyn the costume designer. katelyn asks:
“dear han*mi
have any other post*humans dropped by the carnival, if so, who? it seems to be a hotspot for people of the transcendent*kind!”

well katelyn, no one has dropped by yet, although that’s about to change because we’ve been… um, i’m not sure if i’m allowed to talk about this, but let’s just say: if all goes well there should be a bit of a reunion happening here. it’s been tough tracking them down but we think we found… raven and i are leaving after the show, raven’s going to meet *beep* and i have someone i’m supposed to find. i really should have left already, but since he’s a near indestructible postie, after all, what could happen to him, i figure i can wait until this show is over. lloyd is hard at work trying to come up with a plan to… well, do the impossible, which you have to admit, is something he’s quite good at

anyway, katelyn continues
backup question:
“dear han*mi
if you could travel to a narrative with anyone in the metaverse, who would you go with and where to?
from, katelyn the costume designer”

one day, when the current plan is over and i’ve built my ashram, i would like to go away with henry, maybe take a quick peek and see how jane is getting on, then… i don’t know, a little pirate adventure that leads to the discovery of a lost underwater civilisation might be nice. pirates of atlantis or something like that. just me and henry and maybe we could make a few friends along the way

ok, well, that’s our show for today. and here to sing you all off, a duet with me and floozy

floozy: heyah, han. howya doin’?
han: great. so what did you want to sing today?
floozy: well, i was tryin ta think what all them folks out there need and i figure, one thing i’m sure everyone could use is a great big hug. so this is my hug, from me ta all of yous

happiness is findin’ a pencil
pizza with sausage, telling the time
happiness is learning to whistle
tying your shoe for the very first time
happiness is playing the drum in your own school band
and happiness is walking hand in hand

happiness is two kinds of ice cream
knowing a secret, climbing a tree
happiness is five different crayons
catching a firefly, setting him free
happiness is being alone every now and then
and happiness is coming home again

happiness is mornin’ and evenin’, daytime and nighttime too
for happiness is anyone and anythin’ at all
that’s loved by you

han:
happiness is having a sister
sharing a sandwich, getting along

han and floozy:
happiness is singing together when day is through
and happiness is those who sing with you

floozy:
happiness is mornin’ and evenin’
daytime and night time too
for happiness is anyone and anythin’ at all
that’s loved by you

- paul shapera lyrics

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