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han-mi's plot - paul shapera lyrics

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[helen]
tales to be told come this week to unfold
on our blind and brooding stage
the good and the bad and the sane and the mad
in their endless blood ballet

the wild, deranged comes to rattle its cage
we must keep it quiet and tamed
a dance and a song let the mind start to calm
with a touch of peril to grip and hold you
on the edge as events unfold so

tears sometimes start when one bears you their heart
alone upon the stage
sometimes the lie tells more truth than you might
have seen in light of day

our villain, han-mi, needs a scheme for this week
that could bring this town to fall
here she comes now to confide to us all
of her newest plan of avarice thereof
finally this week break the sheriff

whats the scheme this week that han-mi’s plotting?
there’s a train at 1pm and it’s this that she’ll be robbing
the money for the orphanage is what the train has got and
you know she’s gonna take it all toda…

[han-mi, spoken]
no, no, no. i’m not doing that. that is stupid

[helen, sung]
yes she is ’cause she knows it’s this week’s plot and…

[han-mi]
this week’s plot is dumb, so a-no a she’s-a not-a

[helen]
it’s what the writer wrote

[han-mi]
but the writer is a moron
i came up with a better plot myself

[helen, spoken]
seriously?

[han-mi, spoken]
come on, just try it. i swear, it’s like a million times better

[helen, spoken]
all right

[helen, sung]
so last week, our dear sheriff had been caught and
he was tied up in han-mi’s dark bedroom for a spot then

[han-mi, spoken]
ooh, i wish… right, so he escapes but his shirt is torn right off, so then…

[helen, spoken]
why does he have to be running around without a shirt?

[han-mi, spoken]
really, helen?

[helen, spoken]
oh my god, you little horn dog!

[han-mi, spoken]
just trust me, it’s totally integral to the plot. uh, guys? guys? can we maybe switch to something softly menacing in f sharp minor? thank you!

[han-mi, sung]
if i made a plan today
something strange
something sinister, a worthy game
i’d take the vaccines they made
for the babies and i’d change them so that when the babies take them
they, they would change to zombie babes
and all who watched would gape and pray and while they’re
poised on the edge of their seats so
i’d watch him be the gorgeous hero

if i made a plan today
something strange
the best plot of this cabaret

then i would take those zombie babes
and with arcane techniques
then i would make then fly
and crave to eat your face

and on that day the sky would rain
with hungry little zombie babes
who’d scream and chase and eat your face

and folks will swipe the air with bats and clubs
to chase away the screeching flying bleeding
face-eating undead babes

feeding on your heads
as people strike them with their bats
and crying why
screaming little bodies
swooping from the sky

and everyone would scream
and cry
and while the chaos reins unleashed about so
i’d watch him be the perfect hero

[helen, spoken]
jesus christ, han, what the h-ll was that?

[han-mi, spoken]
i know, it’s awesome, right? oh my god, i’m so proud of it. i totally thought it up myself and it’s like, the best evil plan ever. that’ll keep ’em glued to the seats…

[helen, spoken]
okay, okay, just… ladies and gentlemen, han-mi and her evil plot. all right folks, next up, the sheriff!

- paul shapera lyrics

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