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prologue/schlimmer - original cast of gutenberg! the musical lyrics

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[bud, spoken]
prologue

the lights rise on the squalid, stinky bedroom of a friend of gutenberg

[doug, spoken]
the roof is made of dirty thatch!
in the corner, there are rats, gnawing in stinky cheese
and lying absolutely still in the center of the room…
without moving…
is a dead baby!

[bud, spoken]
gutenberg’s friend and the doctor examine the dead baby

[doug (as doctor), spoken]
well, we did all we could
i’m afraid your baby… is dead

[bud (as gutenberg’s friend), spoken]
but i gave him this medicine!

[doug (as doctor), spoken]
them ain’t medicine
them’s jelly beans

[bud (as gutenberg’s friend), spoken]
jelly beans?!
but…

[doug (as doctor), spoken]
if only you could read…
see ya

[bud (as gutenberg’s friend)]
jelly beans, not medicine
if only i could read;
my son, he wouldn’t need… an elegy
stupid beans! not medicine!
oh god, here in this jar…
i can’t read what these are
d*mned jelly beans!

[doug (as johan gutenberg), spoken]
h*llo friend
is there anything johan gutenberg can do?

[bud (as gutenberg’s friend), spoken]
shut up!

[doug, spoken]
friend of gutenberg sobs like a woman
he cradles his dead baby in his illiterate arms

blackout!

act i, scene 1
schlimmer, germany
a german town, full of german things
like feet and short pants
gutenberg walks down the dark streets of this medieval burg
and encounters a woman and her daughter on their way to market
they’re carryin’ kraut
sauerkraut!

[bud (as woman #1), spoken]
oh good morning, mr. gutenberg!

[doug (as gutenberg), spoken]
call me johan! johan gutenberg!

[bud (as daughter), spoken]
h*llo mr. butengerg!

[doug (as gutenberg), spoken]
it’s gutenberg!
how are you today, little girl?!

[bud (as daughter), spoken]
as happy as i can be… considering i can’t read

[doug, spoken]
another woman throws open her shutters to greet the morning
she dumps her stinky chamber pot
and suddenly, the town of schlimmer is alive
not alive like a monster
but alive like a town!

[bud (as woman #1)]
it’s nice to live in medieval germany
in the beautiful town of schlimmer!
we all get along in perfect harmony!

[doug (as beef fat trimmer)]
i’m a beef fat trimmer!

[bud (as woman #1)]
hey!

[doug (as beef fat trimmer)]
the beef comes in all white with fat
it leaves a good bit slimmer

[both (as drunk #1 and drunk #2)]
we’re just drunks comin’ home from the bar
in the beautiful town of schlimmer!

[doug (as drunk #1), spoken]
hey, gutenberg, ya got any wine?!

[bud (as drunk #2), spoken]
yeah! you’re the wine presser! tell us where the wine is!

[doug (as drunk #1), spoken]
is it over ‘ere?

[bud (as drunk #2), spoken]
it’s not over ‘ere!

[doug (as johan gutenberg), spoken]
hey, hey fellas! my wine isn’t the answer to all your problems!

[bud (as drunk #2), spoken]
oh yes it is!

[doug (as drunk #1), spoken]
it’s not like we can read!

[bud (as drunk #2), spoken]
i can’t read!

[doug (as drunk #1), spoken]
gutenberg, let’s have some fun!

[both (as drunk #1 and drunk #2)]
gutenberg!
darn tootin’*berg
he’s the back chap around
well, at least in this town
sure as shootin’*berg

[doug (as johan gutenberg), spoken]
call me johan!

[bud (as drunk #2), spoken]
oh, that gutenberg!

[doug (as johan gutenberg), spoken]
johan!

[bud (as boot plaque)]
gutenberg!

[doug (as johan gutenberg), spoken]
hey, it’s the boot plaque!

[bud (as boot plaque)]
shine your boot*enberg!

[doug (as johan gutenberg), spoken]
sure boot plaque!

[bud (as boot plaque)]
you’re a man in his prime
making friends all the time
no refutin’*berg

(spoken)
ten ducats!

[doug (as johan gutenberg), spoken]
hey hey hey!

[bud (as boot plaque), spoken]
oh gutenberg, ho ho ho!

[doug (as johan gutenberg), spoken]
okay now fellas
i gotta be gettin’ back to my wine press shop
don’t you guys have anything to do?

[bud (as drunk #2), spoken]
no!

[doug (as drunk #1), spoken]
it’s not like we can read!

[bud (as drunk #2), spoken]
you can’t read!

[doug (as drunk #1), spoken]
you can’t read!

[bud (as drunk #2), spoken]
well, wh* what are you going to…

[doug (as drunk #1), spoken]
gah ah ah ah ah!

[bud (as drunk #2), spoken]
oh shut up!

[doug (as johan gutenberg), spoken]
oh, come on guys, let’s not fight!
here, i’ll buy you a flower from that anti*semitic flower girl!

[bud (as flower girl)]
here’s a posey you can wear on your lapel
i stole it from a jew
he cried and he fought and i sent him straight to h*ll
so now it belongs to you!

[doug (as johan gutenberg)]
ooh, schlimmer!
my lovely schlimmer!
you are the best darn town in germany!

[bud (as boot plaque)]
gutenberg!

[doug (as beef fat trimmer)]
gutenberg!

[bud (as flower girl)]
gutenberg!

[both (as drunk #1 and drunk #2)]
gutenbar*ar*ar*argh!

[doug (as johan gutenberg)]
i’m the pride of schlimmer

[bud (as boot plaque)]
he’s the pride of schlimmer!

[doug (as johan gutenberg), overlapping]
i’m the cremé de la creméer

[both (as johan gutenberg and flower girl)]
he’s/i’m the pride of schlimmer!

[doug (as johan gutenberg)]
i’m the cremé de la creméer

[bud (as drunk #2), overlapping]
he’s the pride of schlimmer!

[doug (as johan gutenberg)]
i am*

[both (as all)]
gutenberg!

- original cast of gutenberg the musical lyrics

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