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tis the season - offbeat lyrics

grettings, greetings…
come in… do, come in, please
january, lookin well

february, how’s the wife?
good, good
september? how are the children?
splendid
please, do come through
sit down, sit down
is everybody here?
marvelous
then let’s begin…

we rely, on people buying what we sell them
and we thrive, on gluttony and greed
we provide, a range of seasons
as the motivation and the reasons
to buy things that they don’t need
they comply and always do just what we tell them
and inside, it makes them feel complete
but when they find
the feeling has depleted
they are desperate to repeat it
so buy more things they don’t need

january is the month that we dedicate to fitness
coz everybody feels fat and guilty after christmas
so we sell them memberships to gyms and all the kits
and they go once or twice but in a few months they all quit!

and february is a month that’s lucrative for us
coz valentine’s day makes everyone have to prove their love
so we sell flowers, chocolate, even jewellery to these chupms
and they buy it all coz they know
if they don’t then they’ll get dumped!

and march is when we all dress up to celebrate st patrick’s day
wheter ot not we’ve got a drop of irish blood inside our veins
and to tell the truth is still don’t know what it all means
but i know one thing, it’s literally a license to print green!

and easter was supposed to be when jesus returned from the death
but our research shows that people prefer fluffy bunnies instead
and if you’ve still got any chocolate from valentine’s day left
you can melt it down, reshape it and resell it all as eggs!

there wasn’t really much un june so we created father’s day
as yet another chance for us to saturate the marketplace
so now you can take any tat and peddle it for cash
as long as it comes decorate with a little tash!

july the 4th is also known as independence day
which right now they just celebrate in the united states
but we’ll have it here soon too just as long as i have my way
you don’t believe me? look we’ve already got black friday!

now august might seem quiet but don’t get it misconstrued
coz here is where your christmas stock can first get introduced
i know you think im crazy
you say “is way too soon”
but it gets earlier and earlier
next year we’ll start in june!

the kids all go back to school at the beginning of september
and they want branded jackets, bags and shoes thanks to peer pressure
and this is where we first implant the seed inside their heads
that you need material items in order to feel content!

now halloween is something that we’ve only just acquire
but boy am i glad that we did, the concept is inspired!
coz we sell sweets to grown ups who are blissfully ignoring
the fact that tricks or treat is simply door to door extortion!

now contrary to halloween which has only just arrived
we’ve been profiteering in november since 1605
but as well as bonfire night and guy fawkes now it’s even better
coz we make twice as much from those masks from v for vendetta
and now december is the month that we’ve all been waiting for
where we gorge ourselves on food and drink and christmas gifts galore!
and the mascot that we’ve chosen is too fitting to be true…
a fat white man in a coca cola suit
on boxing day we make sure everyone runs to the store
to buy all the things they weren’t given just the day before
and then it’s new years eve and everyone counts down from 10
and then the very next day the whole cycle starts again!!

now i know the observant ones amongst you have something to say
“you didn’t mention any events in the month of may”
so let’s create one right now and make everybody pay
in fact lets cut straight to the chase
and just call it…
retail dayyyyyyy!

- offbeat lyrics

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