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mrs. remington - neil bartram lyrics

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[alvin]
“the beginning”. a story about alvin kelby

my mom passed away in the summer i turned six

write that down

[thomas]
alvin, what’s the point?

[alvin]
trust me!

(thomas writes in his notebook, sometimes listening to alvin’s retelling of the story and sometimes referring to the pages that alvin has given him.)

[thomas]
“alvin’s mom passed away in the summer he turned six*”

[alvin]
good!
and left a single father and his son
but dad had the bookstore
with a leaky roof to fix
so i was on my own
facing the unknown
the terrifying prospect of
grade one
but at thе time, how was i to see
a kind and gentle soul
was waiting thеre for me?

mrs. remington, our first grade teacher
made elementary school a better place
but her single most disturbing feature
was the co*rs* black hair on her face

maybe she was menopausal
lack of estrogen will cause a lot of odd conditions
some acute
the irony would never phase her
namesake of a famous razor!
and to be so facially hirsute

but mrs. remimgton smiled
and she would brighten my day
back then, a teacher hugged you
to make you feel okay
though my face sorta stung
from mrs. remington’s beard
when she held me, my problems disappeared

mrs. lynch was an ignoramus
mr. pollack was just plain mean!
mrs. remington was nearly famous
for her parties at halloween
pumpkinheads of every shape
were cut out of construction paper
each and every one would be displayed
the highlight for the children
was to make a really special costume
for the yearly halloween parade

mrs. remington smiled
and she was clearly content
as she lovingly presided over this, the main event
so we’d nervously walk
past her critical eyes
and we’d vie for mrs. remington’s top prize

[thomas]
there was this one kid wearing cardboard wings, a coathanger halo, carrying a bell and a homemade book that said “tom sawyer”. n0body had a clue what he was supposed to be*

[alvin]
*except me!

(alvin sits at the table as though it were a school desk.)

ooh! ooh! ooh! mrs. remington!

pamela koshan thought he was the statue of liberty
mrs. remington, i know!

[thomas]
donnie carter thought he was a thanksgiving turkey!

[alvin]
mrs. remington, i know!!

he’s clarence, the angel from “it’s a wonderful life”! he was my mother’s favorite!

[thomas]
the class laughed…

[alvin]
i cried…

…and mrs. remington announced that… i was next!

but mrs. remington smiled
in that way that she had
a smile that made you realize
that things were not so bad
and i knew from her face
that this feeling would pass
so i went to take my turn before the class

[thomas]
those poor kids were still trying to figure out who the heck clarence was…

[alvin]
…when i shuffled onto the platform in fuzzy slippers and bathrobe, with pink sponge curlers in my hair!

“alvin kelby,” mrs. remington said: “and what are you supposed to be?”

“i’m a ghost

the ghost of my mother!”

(pause)

lunch that day was awful lonely
sitting by myself
and only wearing fuzzy slippers and chenille
while all the kids were making fun
in came mrs. remington
with clarence dragging slowly on her heel

“clarence,” she said, “i’d like you to meet mrs. kelby. she’s a big fan of yours!”

and mrs. remington smiled
’cause mrs. remington knew
that the battlefield of childhood
was easier with two
mrs. remington watched
as the angels do

and on halloween that year
she saw two masks disappear
when my mother met her angel
and i met you!

- neil bartram lyrics

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