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if santa claus was a mime, then everyone would hate him - mushy mustard lyrics

[intro: samples]
i’ll k!ll the mime
it’s definitely his time
i’ll k!ll the mime
i know why you hate mimes

[verse 1: mustard]
christmas time, everybody loves saint nick
if he was a mime, though, he wouldn’t be worth spit
everybody knows that a mime shouldn’t be chosen for the
role of santa, i’d rather the whole planet get frozen over
mimes are less fun than the ghost of christmas yet to come
krampus makes kids happier than some stupid dumb frickin’ mime
why, anyone could do it better
ebenezzer ebenezer scrooge’s sneezes ease displeasure
more than any mime could, so it’s not a good idea
think that santa claus should be a mime? then i’d like to see ya
tied under the sleigh and take a ride on christmas day, i’m sayin’
if santa claus was a mime, then everyone would hate him

[chorus: mustard]
if santa claus was a mime (we’d all hate it)
then everyone would hate christmas time (we’d all hate it)
if he was a mime, it would blow (we’d all hate it)
he wouldn’t even say, “ho, ho, ho”
[verse 2: stir, mustard]
wait a minute! that’s not the santa i know
all that “ho! ho! ho!” (ho! ho! ho!) where did it go?
and the colorful suit and the rosy red cheeks?
i think he’s gone mute now, he doesn’t wanna speak
you don’t have time to ride your sleigh! don’t you have somewhere to be?
check your schedule for the day: “stuck inside a box” at three
and at five o’ clock get beat by a couple wicked clowns
then we stick nick claus six feet underground
stupid mime at salvation army asking for some money
nonexistent bell is silent, so he won’t get any from me
and the elves are making toys without materials that i can see
a santa serial k!lla’s the only thing i’d wanna be
if santa was a mime

[verse 3: mustard]
if santa was a mime, i’d bash his head in
make him drink unleaded gas and toss a lit cigarette in
but he wouldn’t even drink it, only think it
and still blow into bits ’cause of his mimicry shtick
you can act like santa with his movement and his manners
but it doesn’t matter, we already knew that santa’s fatter
and he doesn’t just pretend to haul a sack filled up with toys
’cause the actual santa would give out things we can enjoy
not invisible umbrellas that’ll get caught in a gust of wind
i don’t have a chimney, santa found a door and bust it in
only real santa claus would do that to ensure he gets my stuff in
anything i want! but a mime would give me nothin’
[chorus: mustard]
if santa claus was a mime (we’d all hate it)
then everyone would hate christmas time (we’d all hate it)
if he was a mime, i’d reach my limit (we’d all hate it)
i’d take his beard and trim it
show the world it’s fake, he’s just a mime

[verse 4: mustard]
close my eyes and picture santa mime, i can’t describe the h*ll i’m in
a nightmare during christmas, turn this mime into a skeleton
how you gonna celebrate the holidays in these conditions?
now it’s all about a mime, say goodbye to fun traditions
leaving milk and cookies out? how ’bout this foot up in ya mouth?
i’ll pin ya right above the fireplace with tacks until ya shout
and ask to be let down, but it’s gonna take a while
’cause a mime won’t make a sound, they can only frown or smile
and n0body is gonna do the latter ’til this mime is slain
people will get tired listening to all the rhymes i say
a yearly song explaining how much santa sucks would be due
we’d already be making mime christmas ep part two
if santa was a mime

[verse 5: stir]
if santa was a mime, everybody would hate it, yo
songs about mimes every year on the radio
who would wanna hear “a mime is comin’ to town”?
if a mime was comin’ anywhere near me, i would frown
you know the santa clause, that disney fl!ck?
if santa was a mime, that film would suck d*ck
it’d be called “the mime” or some other stupid name
all reviews would say, “this movie’s too lame”
actually, i guess there is one part i wouldn’t mind
the beginning where we see santa fall off a roof and die
if santa was a mime, i’d love that scene
but then tim allen would transform into a mime, and i would scream
[outro: sample]
it seems you’ve made the whole world blue
christmas ain’t christmas with you

- mushy mustard lyrics

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