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evil dice tango - mary crowell lyrics

[verse 1]
i remember my first character with some affection
a bar*fighting barbarian, he’d no discretion
in a brawl he could throw your paladin in any direction
and i was feeling pretty good about his progression
until i met the goblin with the stick

[verse 2]
the goblin was quite gobby and got right in my face
he called me unprofessional which wasn’t the case
i unlimbered my broadsword to put him in his place
i won initiative and swung with natural grace
and then i rolled a one and broke my leg
[chorus]
evil dice, i’ve got evil dice!
they like to k!ll my characters, it’s not very nice
there’s no way i can fight them
they can always devise
some way to turn the tables
and throw a surprise
disaster in the face of victory

[verse 3]
so then i tried a half*elven assassin
all slender blades and vials of poison, a fast one
with the dealing death and not averse to passing
witty remarks over a body she’d been recently outclassing
and then she tried to sneak out past the guards

[verse 4]
i was making checks for hiding and stealth
she was smirking in a shadow, couldn’t help herself
and then i rolled a one and brushed up slightly ‘gainst a shelf
of armour that went crashing on the floor and by itself
a helmet went bouncing down the stairs
clang, clang, clatter, bash, sad

[chorus]
evil dice, i’ve got evil dice!
they like to k!ll my characters, it’s not very nice
there’s no way i can fight them
they can always devise
some way to turn the tables
and throw a surprise
disaster in the face of victory
[verse 5]
then i thought i’d dabble in the arcane
gather some eldritch power and go insane
made a necromancer, used the power of his brain
and summoned shambling things that shouldn’t come into this plane
i made him cool, and austere, he’d treat the living with disdain

[verse 6]
so when we came to our climactic fight (la la la la)
i was nowhere near the front, it was a delight
to be sending zombies down the room to flank them on the right
when i threw a one, but only stumbled slightly
threw one again, trod on my robe and sprawled
into my own magic circle

[chorus]
evil dice, i’ve got evil dice!
they like to k!ll my characters, it’s not very nice
there’s no way i can fight them
they can always devise
some way to turn the tables
and throw a surprise
disaster in the face of victory
evil dice, i’ve got evil dice!
they like to k!ll my characters, it’s not very nice
there’s no way i can fight them
they can always devise
some way to turn the tables
and throw a surprise
disaster in the face of victory
[outro]
evil dice

- mary crowell lyrics

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