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the death of sid sheinberg - logan whitehurst lyrics

[laughing & applause]
sid: thank you, thank you, thank you very much. yes, especially you ma’am, come see me after the show. hey uh, i’m gonna be passing the hat so after the next number, why don’t you uh just uh, give me a little contribution and uh, help me further my experimenting with uh cheap booze and fazed women
[laughter]
sid: this next one i wrote with my cousin bernie back in ’47 and uh, it’s uh, a little ditty i like to call, “summer in telavi”
hit it
three!*
[sid has a heart attack]
[audience boos]
[sid wakes up in h*ll]
sid: oh… oh, what happened?… where am i?
satan: sidney j. shеinberg!
sid: oh, satan! hah, you had me fooled thеre for a minute! i was going off my nut! how ya doin’? hey, nice place, looks like h*ll!
satan: it uh, is h*ll, sid. and i’m fine, thanks for asking
oh, hold on, a second..
satan: hey, shut up!
[the screams of the d*mned stop]
satan: okay.. uh look, i wanna make this quick, um.. i brought you here because i want your eternal soul.. again
sid: oh, it’s not that time again, is it?
satan: yup, yup, yup, 50 years already. boy, how time flies when you’re dead. well, uh, hand over your soul, sid. it’s time to eat the ol’ dirt sandwich
sid: hey, look uh, satan, (satan: yup?) uh, i*i kind of wanted to ask you next time i saw you…
satan: uh*huh
sid: can i, kind of, uh, you know, have a couple more years added on the contract? uh, you know, uh…
satan: ugh, sid, sid, sid. if i didn’t know you any better i’d say you were asking for yet another extension on your lease!
sid: uh, yeah, well, uh*
satan: do you have any idea how many strings i’ve pulled for you over the last 130 years??
sid: uh, yeah, well, uh*
satan: it’s always like, “satan, gimme more time!” and “satan, i need another car!” and “satan this, and satan that!”
sid: y*you know how it* is…
satan: when are you gonna own up to your end of the bargain, sid?
sid: l*look, uh, beelze, uh, buddy… b*beelzebuddy, uh… you know, i* i* y* you’ve always been good to me, and* and i* i know sometimes i’m a little less than uh, appreciative
i really do enjoy the uh, the* you know the popularity thing and* and the money thing and* and, you know, i* i’m kinda having, uh, second thoughts about the whole… trading the soul*
satan: second thoughts??!
[satan clears his throat]
satan: sid. listen to me when i say this, um, i’ve been waiting for your soul for well over 130 years and, um, i want it. now!!
sid: uh, i* i* come on satan, have a little compassion for the underdog here…
satan: compassion?
[satan laughs]
i am the ultimate evil!!
(compassion, compa* [satan snickers])
sid: uh, alright, uh… what about a contest? winner takes soul!
satan: sid, i don’t have time for contests, i got other things to do today, you know, i’m a busy man! i uh, i* i’m la* i’m late as it is, look, it’s gettin’ late, see? here’s the watch, look, it’s late, it’s late
sid: alright! alright… it’s been fun, uh, you can have my soul, for eternity
satan: huh. what if i don’t want it
sid: no, see, you can have my soul, i*i’m serious, i’m done with it, you can have it
satan: wasn’t some change of heart? is there something wrong with your soul, bro?
sid: no, it’s fine, just, just take the soul, come on, get it over with
satan: no
sid: what are you talking about “no”? just take the soul!
satan: uh*uh
sid: …what do i gotta beg?!
satan: it wouldn’t do you much good, i’m not gonna take it
sid: just take the d*mn soul
satan: no
sid: take it!
satan: no
sid: take it!
satan: no
sid: take it!
satan: no
sid: take it!!
satan: no!
sid: alright then, i’ll take your soul!
satan: what?
[unholy screams emerge from satan]
sid: ugh…
[sid coughs]
sid: …i haven’t done that since ’48… what are you all lookin’ at? what are you lookin’ at

- logan whitehurst lyrics

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