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intro (who am i?) - lil_ramsic lyrics

[verse]
in my mind i’m a fighter, my hearts so tired
i’m sick and exhausted of a life so dire
i’m in need of a fork-lift to lift me higher
i’m so sick of talking through the wire
not like west did yes it’s hectic
my mind’s never quiet, there’s a few, that get it
i’m a disaster, now what am i after?
my life’s now harder you ain’t got the answers
sway back and forth, mind’s not complying
i’m trying, i’m crying, i’m typing, i’m writing
f-ck it i ain’t whining, i’m striving, i’m fighting
and now i’m rising, my mind is lightning
you won’t see it strike, in the same place twice
i’m up for the fight, i’ll plow through, the strife
when life gets tough i tend to rhyme
i’ve been in a rut ain’t working this time
only takes one thing to make me crazy
that’s why i rap over a beat so shady
and earlier today seemed to be so normal
well that was this morning, now kicks and screaming
punched a hole through the door and fist is bleeding
“don’t let it bother you” that’s wishful thinking
too long i’ve been seething, i hate the feeling
that’s why i rhyme, to start the healing
i don’t spill my guts when the going gets tough
it stays bottled up, until i erupt
i’m still writing now because of the rush
the pain is nothing compared to the buzz
my hand is swollen, let’s hope it’s not broken
and there’s only one thing, that keeps me coping
it’s these here poems, they keep me going
my friend’s help too but they’re over the ocean
over here i’m lonely, i feel like i’ve only
got my younger bro looking out for me
but sometimes we fight like we don’t even care
about one another, i wonder who’s here
and actually does care cause honestly i swear
i feel like it’s just him, is anyone there?
i don’t need you now while i’m already broken
i needed you years ago, oh now you notice?
well it’s too late now, i’m way too far gone
life just gets harder, while it gets darker
it’s harder to fix, a broken man
than it is to build him up since his life began
i’m far from normal but i like it that way
but i’ll admit it’s harder that way
growing up my mum was over protective
don’t know if i’ll be able to correct it
i’ve always suppressed it, when things got hectic
but the times come for me to address it
from start to finish, i’ll tell you my story
before the rhyming when things were gory
i’ll tell you why i am who i am
i guess let’s start with why i rap
i rap because i needed to vent
about the events of my life i’d pent
up the anger, and explode without warning
my brain would be so clouded by storms and
i couldn’t even begin to f-cking think straight
so close to the brink that i would debate
my own life i’d take, i felt so alone
then i met a girl that i’d put on a throne
and i know i have to thank her for teaching me love
she became my everything, i loved her so much
cute and her name became synonymous
but now it’s the f-cking same as anonymous
whenever you were down i knew what to do
i’d stay up all night just talking to you
and that’s where my problems with insomnia begun
4 years later and now i’ve become
one to thrive and live for darkness
and that’s just another reason why it’s hard it’s
sad because, we never had a chance
especially when ya said ya loved someone else
i cared so much, but somehow you fell
for some other dude, you weren’t mine to lose
it don’t make sense, but the love’s too intense
you never told the truth, i just had to guess
“do you love me or do you love him?
there’s too many questions, yo f-ck this shit!
no wait, i want you, please just choose me”
i’d go back and forth but it weren’t meant to be
you did f-ck me up but i learnt a lot
i can’t stay mad in fact i give thanks
cause you’re part of the reason why i am who i am
i dunno who that is yet or even what this head
can articulate, there’s too much going on
what’s next is now, hard to make sense of
i find it baffling but i’m mostly past it
i was cheated on and i’ve found it hard since
then to trust other, people now i’m
lost, distrustful, sleepless, and shy
i’m only mostly past it cause i struggle
with opening up, and now i’m troubled
by my lack of trust worthiness
cause all my friends left, it hurts my chest
the few i have now are all i could ask for
i’m thankful for that, but you make my art poor
cause my raps tend to stem from depression
when i’m with them there’s no f-cking stressing
i’m happy, i ain’t rapping, i ain’t rapping cause i’m happy
it hardly makes sense but i love rapping
but this ain’t all that i am it can’t be
cause i’d quit, give it up in, a heartbeat
if it meant always being around friends
but alas i ain’t, always around ‘em
i’m still stuck writing at least i have this
it gave me a reason that i need to live
cause 2pac raised me i’m a hip hop baby
i wanna make music, it shouldn’t make me
after this mixtape maybe i’ll quit
escape to america, f-ck this shit
i love you mum but you made me think
that no-one cared, “f-ck this kid”
according to you that’s what dad said
but in reality you wanted dad dead
you’re angry at him fine, but i shouldn’t be
stuck in the middle cause then i believed
the lies you told me, and then even more
only you cared, well that’s what i thought
the arguments started your anger’s unharnessed
after the initial startle i hardened
i no longer cared, what you had to say
but there’s still scars left to this very day
i hate how we fight i’m a proud gemini
but you’d always let it known that you hate my sign
is there just one of me, with two different sides?
is there two versions of me, living one life?
is there more than two of me, hiding inside?
or is there more to me, than meets the eye?
sometimes i feel like i just wanna end it
i feel like a f-cking schizophrenic
there’s too much going on, in my head it’s
sometimes hard for me to accept it
but very few times i let it take over
i go with the flow and let my mind roam
it’s only then i’m completely sane
but, i like, being quite deranged
so then i guess i like being schizo
dunno though cause i know i’m in limbo
ah well f-ck it, it’s just how my brain is
i go through phases where sometimes i hate it
so what if there’s more than meets the eye
i told you before i’m a proud gemini
but mum if you love me why’s your hate blind ya
forget about dad he ain’t worth your time mum
you couldn’t forget, you’re just like me
you care so deeply it’s not that easy
to forget about a love that now just hurts
but after ray p-ssed it became a curse
you became bitter and filled with anger
from that point forward it became your anchor
i promise i won’t let it, happen to me
i’m cursed the same my emotions are deep
i can only hope that one day it’s a blessing
and i’ll look at your life and i’ll learn my lesson
that i can’t let anything weigh me down
which is why i think, that the time is now
for me to explore, all these old feelings
that are trapped inside and hopefully release them
so i’m no longer haunted by all of my thoughts
because it’s gotten way too daunting
at night i can’t sleep i’m awake in bed
there’s a f-cking puzzle inside of my head
all i can see is a bunch of words
for the last few years it’s always occurred
it’s no longer hopeless this is the only
moment i’m focused my eyes are closed
there’s so many words one day i wonder
will it be too much and tear me asunder
will these words break my bones
or will they point me towards my throne
it could be a darkness that swallows me whole
but it could be the light that sparks my soul
with this mixtape i’ll work it out and
with this mixtape i’ll know who i am

- lil_ramsic lyrics

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