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a proposal for the end of aging - laura wendelin lyrics

a proposal for the end of aging
at the very moment of our birth, we involuntarily start the one dreadful process that we as humans must all face. it deprives us of warning, and when it begins there is no stopping the relentless phenomenon. this horrific process that i grudgingly allude to is none other than aging

one can observe the effects of this deplorable life event in certain members of our society today, whose sunspots and silver scalps are constant reminders of our imminent demises. the death of these aged specimens is a long-awaited blessing for those of us unlucky enough to have to look at them and their bleak existences

i would even go as far as saying that aging, or more specifically the downfall of our outward appearances, is our biggest and most unfortunate weakness as human beings. with every second we live, our bodies grow older, weaker, and more undesirable. skin, dangerously thin and ravaged by dark spots and bulging veins, becomes almost unrecognizable. eyebrows droop, spines shorten, lips grow thin, hair appears where it is unwelcome, muscles shrink, hair color changes, makeup ceases to disguise our defects, and memory fades

it is just despicable to me that more people, despite these modern and technologically advanced times, would not take up extreme measures to combat the evil forces of aging. i am sickened to the core at the sight of some individuals today, with their dismal hair loss, forehead lines, and saggy eyelids. how can they bear these forces of nature that seek to destroy our youthful appearance? how can they allow themselves to decline so far physically? i think it necessarily must be seen as a fundamental weakness for certain people to embrace aging this day in age

and so, in order to prevent the rest of the population from looking like these poor decrepit souls, i propose a plan, for the perpetuation of youthfulness in society and in all future societies. my plan overwhelmingly involves nipping the first and even slightest signs of aging in the b-ttocks, excuse my cr-ss language, before they damage the person’s appearance any more severely. as the initial signs of aging in a person’s life are often very slight, i highly suggest that individuals take radical measures right from the start, so as to ensure that the aging will cease promptly

first, as more of a preventative measure, i advise that parents provide their children with firmasure, america’s first and only facial contraption to actually prevent the loss of skin’s firmness and natural glow. this cost-effective device should only be worn at night during sleeping hours, as it is a highly unattractive and c-mbersome mechanism. i suggest that parents make their children wear firmasure starting in the elementary and pre-teen years, to ensure confidence and overall radiance in the ever so vital adolescent years, when appearance becomes the most important aspect of the average person’s life

in addition, plastic surgery is a foolproof remedy for any and all signs of aging whether it is droopy and sunken eyes, excess neck sin, frown lines, or those pesky and permanent smile creases. for these repulsive signs of aging, plastic surgery is the best alternative to counteract the wear and tear of your increasing years. i wholeheartedly advocate for plastic surgery not only for young people, but also for those members of society who may consider themselves too late to battle the persistent grips of aging. nothing disgusts me more than the menopausal female or the middle aged male; with their swollen eyes and thinning hair, who seem to give up on their looks once they reach the dreaded mid-life crisis. therefore i urge the elder public to embrace cosmetic surgery

my final proposal for this pitiful society is to adopt the use of sunrooms. in our rapidly warming world, we simply cannot risk any more unattractive sunburn, which leads to rashes and devastating scars. in these bright fluorescent rooms, people will receive the illusion of actual sunlight without experiencing the radiation damage, which causes the utmost injury to our skin’s coloring and more importantly, our appearance and overall acceptance in society. sunrooms will be found in every major city, regardless of weather, and weekly visitations will be mandatory in the summer months starting in the elementary school years to ensure the general attractiveness of our future generations

i -ssure you, the general american public, that my proposals and suggestions will be successful to you in your n0ble fight against aging. let us examine the remedy of plastic surgery. firstly, this method must necessarily be the healthiest and most efficient way to erase signs of aging from the body. any method as expensive as surgery is guaranteed to work the best. why would people spend thousands of valuable dollars on cosmetic surgery if it were not the most effective way to rid the body of its imperfections?

no further evidence for the success of firmasure should be necessary other than the simple fact that celebrities, a-list at that, throughout hollywood and the larger la basin attest to its effectiveness. angelina jolie and brad pitt started using firmasure on their litter at home and both have testified that it “has completely transformed the way we look at ant-aging remedies and our kids.” other celebrity endors-m-nts include kobe bryant, jennifer aniston, jennifer garner, jennifer lawrence, oprah, ellen, beyonce, justin bieber, leo dicaprio, george clooney, and that guy from the old spice commercials

all of the information you may want or the questions you may want answered about sunrooms and how they operate can be found in fox’s commercials. these said television ads include information such as locations of local sunrooms, operating hours, and general usage of the rooms. i find these commercials extremely helpful, and no additional -ssistance should be required of the general public

my said proposals are completely reasonable, practical, and valid. i can think of no better solution to this grave problem that we find ourselves faced with and i require that you take up my urges, all for your own benefit of course. however, to those members of society who seem to think that aging is a process to be welcomed and left alone to run its course, i fully object to your perspectives. one cannot byp-ss the downfalls of aging by eating a nutritious diet, exercising regularly, and applying adequate amounts of sunscreen to the skin. helpless middle aged men and women cannot avoid wrinkles and frown lines by merely drinking ample amounts of water daily and staying generally hydrated. a person’s look and demeanor are not affected by getting the appropriate amount of sleep and rest each night. these suggestions to me are absurd and naïve to say the least. people who believe this nonsense also seem to think that aging is a natural process, which can even be enjoyable at times. this notion is of course, absolutely ridiculous, and should be shoved away immediately

therefore, as a last measure of my public service, i urge you to latch onto my proposals and join me in the battle against aging and the worsening of outward appearance. extreme steps must be made before the entire population is completely safe from the evils of aging. if you do not follow my lead, and the lead of many celebrities, our society will continue to be burdened by damaged skinned, hairless, wrinkled individuals, and i will not stand for such an atrocity. buy firmasure for your children and grandchildren, utilize plastic surgery, and enjoy the brightness of sunrooms. join me, and safeguard yourself and future generations from the horrific effects of aging, before it is too late

- laura wendelin lyrics

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