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fruitcake commentary - larry the cable guy lyrics

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what the h*ll is this? russia?

what kind of moron would still give a fruitcake for christmas? good lord, you can’t eat the d*mn things. good lord, an ethiopian would look at a fruitcake and say, ‘ugh, gross! i’m going back to eating bugs and monkey brains.’ fruitcakes

tell you what, when i was a kid, we had to put two of ’em underneath the right*front wheel of the trailer to keep the living room sitting level

a lot of people don’t know, but did you know this? the fruitcake was also the main weapon used by texicans in the alamo? a lot of people don’t know that

fruitcakes first come to this country by a feller named jedediah herrington. he used ’em as fruit l!cks for his horses. a neighbor did him wrong one day, so to get even he sent him a fruit l!ck

throughout the years, the fruitcake has been used as a last*minute gift or as a ‘you’re*kind*of*a*b*tthole’ gift. the ancient romans used to stone folks with fruitcakes and the fruitcake was used in the first steam engines as coal substitutes
*burp* sorry, that was fruitcake

the fruitcake still today is being used by african pygmies to lengthen their wieners. it’s true, now! you listen! they tie the fruitcake to their ding*dongs and stretch it so that they look good for the annual march through town for hunting season. that’s true! for years, h0m*s used the same technique to get ready for g*y parades, until they stopped when the pineapple started causing rashes

so the story of the fruitcake is a good one. so if you get one for christmas, it’s either: 1. ’cause somebody’s mad at you, 2. you’re a b*tthole, or 3. you’re queer and you need to stretch your wiener

merry christmas! like bill clinton said to hillary after he got a fruitcake, quote, ‘i’ll be gone for an hour, stretching his wiener’, unquote

- larry the cable guy lyrics

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