my yellow grave of sand and sea - lanternfly lyrics
it’s a lingering feeling
it’s a vast, telegraphed subtlety
only in muddled fragments coming to life
it feels like when you try to speak but no words seem right
when you’ve accomplished so much yet feel no accomplishment
when you finally get what you want and realize you don’t want it anymore
when you feel suffocated by the people around you but people are here and there’s nothing you can do about it
when you disconnect all your wrongdoing by saying “it wasn’t me, it was my brain”
when your paranoia consumes you
when you think null of your future
when you’re brittlе in the face of change yеt brutal is the monotony
when you’re caught in the monstrous structure of routine
when you are stuck in dust and moonlight pondering your indoctrination
when you are stuck in dust and moonlight learning your lessons yet still making mistakes
when you are stuck in dust and moonlight regretting words
there is no fixing this
words are said and then gone
gone is the prior self*respect
gone is that blissful ignorance
it’s all gone, or lack thereof
pride, lack thereof
faith, lack thereof
a doubt which concludes in a sudden de*expiration
and to trust some being above me with my life
that’s faith
an obituary with no name
simply depraved poetry
all that is remaining with its death
is a trail of ink and s*m*n
first and foremost i hate me
first and foremost i love you
this isn’t new
in fact it’s been here for years
it may be genetic or it may just be me
i see the former as a double edged sword
as i’m given this c*ck i’m also given this desperately thin body
and as i’m given this individual mind and body, i’m given the h*ll that comes with it
but, hey, i’m getting off topic
look at me now
i could not fend off the rock arrival
nor simply lie watching yellow until golden weather
o my heart’s blood breaks, like a heart and hill
it is all my fault
i took this song’s title from the dylan thomas poem, “we lying by seasand”
much of that previous verse was an allusion to it
i don’t exactly know why i chose it
i wrote a poem of my own
i call it, “a lack of air”
and it sounds thusly:
“there is no air here
for me to breathe
so i will remain silent and observe
whilst rationing all i’ve preserved
all the years behind me
my hands are cold
and the colder your hands are
the more painful hot water is
i fear those which surround me
for reasons in which i am unaware
and in my mind repeats
‘you’ve hurt people and that’s all you’ll ever be
this hurt man is all you’ll ever be
a man is all you’ll ever be
you’ll surrender and cease to be
only then will you find air to breathe.’
and upon a blow to my head
i grasp desperately at my hair
and whimper to myself
‘let me stop thinking’”
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