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one last wank and one last cry - kunt and the gang lyrics

i had a dream about a baby the other night
and that baby had a beard which just didn’t seem right
until i realised that it was our lord jesus christ
and he said: “kunt, what are you doing with your life?”
i said: “i’m making people happy”
he said: “you’re making jesus sad”
i said: “i’m only w-nking off my c-ck”
he said: “that’s really bad”

“the only place you’re meant to do your muck is up a lady’s crack
look, it says here in the bible, it’s a motherf-cking fact
and make sure it’s within wedlock or i’ll have to cast a curse
not with some rotter behind the co-op bins, that makes it even worse
and you have to say ‘i love you’, or i’ll cry tears of blood
and jump into your bed while you’re at work, fart and then draw mud.”

so, let’s get this straight, i’ve got to stop whacking off?”
and he said, “right away”
i said, “my new w-nk mag’s coming tomorrow”
he said, “you’d better stop today
or you’ll never get to heaven and live up in the sky
i’ll send you to h-ll where the devil will stick pins down your j-p’s eye”

but can’t i have one last w-nk and one last cry?
before i say goodbye?
one last w-nk and one last cry
before i say goodbye?

jesus said: “seeing as it’s you, i’ll let you do it one last time
think of all the birds you touch yourself about, w-nk and say goodbye”
so i pulled my pants and trousers down and then i got to work
i thought of all those ladies as i had my final jerk:
the sat-rday girl up the newsagents – god, she’s really fit
and mum’s friend, aunty susan, the one with great big t-ts
the weather girl off gmtv, and of course, lorraine kelly
i think about touching her front bottom and getting my finger’s smelly
carol vorderman, the love of my life and then there’s my mate jim’s ex-wife
and sonia in the juniors who got her f-nny out under the desk
and then there’s bit in ‘the lady in red’ when kelly le brock jumps out of bed
i wore the ‘pause’ b-tton out of my remote control trying to get a glimpse of her hole
and while my member’s standing proud i have a quick think about girls aloud
but not the ginger one, she’s wafty, it’s enough to make you cry
tears of sadness, tears of joy, milky tears from my old boy
i’m about to do my beans into an old sports sock for one last time

i’ll have one last w-nk and one last cry
before i say goodbye
one last w-nk and one last cry
before i say goodbye

then i woke up with a stiffy, it’d all been a dream
so i thought ‘i’ll have a w-nk then, just for a starter’
but as i went to touch my p-n-s it felt really sore
i looked down and my helmet had stigmata

- kunt and the gang lyrics

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