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meet noel gruber/noel's lament - kholby wardell lyrics

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[ocean]
i love you guys!

[noel]
oh, sweet jesus christ on a bike!

[karnak]
noel gruber, born march 5th, pisces. sign of passion. favorite ride, the ferris wheel

very early on in noel’s life, his mother realized two things. the second, was his pension for all things nihilistic. while other children acted out harry potter, noel acted out french new wave cinema

in grade 7, in the st. cassian christmas nativity pageant, noel was suspended for suddenly breaking into this exert from ‘waiting for gedo’

[noel]
thеre is no room in this in, for it is christmas!
shall we hang ourselvеs?

[jane doe]
i hear it gives you an erection

[noel]
then we must hang ourselves, immediately!

[constance]
or we could just go to the manger, joseph…
[karnak]
aspiring iconoclast, efant terrible. noel gruber, the most romantic boy in town

[noel]
i’ve seen the movie, the blue angel, about.. a billion and one times. if there’s something better on this earth than marlana dittrich playing lola*lola, the heartless booze*hound harlet, i don’t even wanna hear about it

i tried to go as her every halloween, always chickened out. and i’d go as something like… c3po. but in my heart, i was lola*lola dressed up as c3po, and that was always my halloween costume subtext!

mom tells me i gotta try to.. blend in. so i try really hard to dial it back.. i had to.. we lived in a town where every year on july 11th when 7/11 gives out free slurpies, it’s like the major cultural event of the year. i’m not even making a joke right now, it’s like a slurpee woodstock

i was born in the wrong town! the wrong country, the*the wrong era! i wanted to **feel** godd*mn it. i wanted, bad love! i wanted a man that would drive me to **drink**! i wanted to wake up in an alley way in my own vomit missing t**th! i wanted to drink myself to death on the cup of life!

“anyone who hasn’t experienced the ecstasy of betrayal, knows nothing about ecstasy at all.” * john janae

i was.. a s*xual provocateur! and a novelist! who never wrote a novel.. or had s*x…

(picture of noel in a taco bell uniform)

[noel, disgusted]
what’s that?

[karnak]
i was hoping you could tell me

[noel]
well i.. i worked at the taco bell on the food court of the mega mall just outside uranium city. i had to work somewhere, we had no money. i was saving up to move to france!
[karnak]
they named a meal after your passing. “the noel gruber hungry ombre meal” they catered your funeral for free

[noel, disgusted]
ugh!

[karnak]
they even played christian aguilera’s “beautiful”

[noel, disgusted]
ugh!

[karnak]
on the bagpipes

[noel, disgusted]
ugh!

i only said i liked that song once! ironically! joke was my final song.. all of those wasted hours at a horrible mall dreaming of all*

[karnak]
i feel this is a perfect occasion to sing about “affordable mexican cuisine” cue the mariachi band

[noel, disgusted]
i don’t wanna sing about that!
[ocean]
oh if he doesn’t wanna sing, i will, i will!

[noel]
godd*mnit! can you keep it in your pants for one second, you horrible succubus?

fine. in my life, i was noel gruber who worked at taco bell in uranium’s city saskatchewan. but.. in my dreams.. i played a different role.. i was monique chabaeu in post*war, france

[noel, singing]
a hooker with a heart of black charcoal

i write poems to burn by firelight
drink champagne and guzzle gin
a good girls call me the ‘town bicycle’
don’t knock it til’ you’ve tried it, my life of sin

oh, claud, my pimp, knows never mess with me
last pr*ck did that faded quick to black
i have no idea where to find him officers
but if you do please mention that i’d like to have returned the pretty knife
that i stuck 10 times in his back!

(exhales)

[noel]
for i sing songs until the break of dawn
i embrace a new man every night
my life’s one never ending carnival

[noel and the choir]
a whirl of boozy floozy flashing light!

[noel]
i.. want to be that f*cked up girl!

- kholby wardell lyrics

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