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memories - jxckal lyrics

[verse 1]
this last year made me stronger
potholes and a mirror that i ain’t had to face in
like 5 years
made me remember all that i’d forgotten
that kid at 14
who would get home do his homework and be falling asleep
work ethic kept me grounded before i enter the scene
writing raps in stolen workbooks was all i could see
but i was happy and the focus kept me moving forward
i didn’t rely on a girl for self esteem i’m talking
only child, lonely smile with dreams of touring
but school in the morning
never wake up on time
anxiety plaguing my mind
the fear of failure is always in sight
spend hours on amazon, new mics catching my eye
ask me how i’m doing i tell em “i’m fine”
i don’t share my life i’m defensive
trying to date any girl that i connect with
but i’m young and immature, f-ck was you expecting?
so break ups in school was just another lesson
we stand outside my house for hours, debating drama
matt telling me about his life, girls and how my ex be self harming
(f-ck)
f-cked me up but the regret only hit me after
started writing with a friend who aired my secrets
telling everyone how i feeling
trust broke down, and somehow now we went from band mates harmonising to never speaking
playing u n i at u n i
this new ed sheeran got me hypnotized
and i’m going through a break up before i even had friends
and people starting to notice i ain’t moving right
drunk in math lectures but working like i’m obsessive
if i don’t come out with a first that’s basically a f-cking death wish
two months later and i still ain’t got friends
some people i talk to, and i can try and pretend
like “i got plans, i got plans”, writing bars in my bed
why would i leave my room?
it’s winter, 2 degrees and there’s a f-cking hole in my chest
getting possessive over every girl i sleep with
the paranoia they might leave it deepens
they don’t love me for me, i ain’t special they must be cheating
whatsapp like “just seen you in roxy, f-ck you, now we even”
easier to p-ss the blame than place it
my grades down, uni is like 5 minutes round euston road
and i can barely make it
and old school friends happy in their places so i ain’t wanna say sh-t
wednesday the 1st of feb 2012
dear diary i met a girl
suddenly a focus on someone else life
stopped me feeling just so lost in the world
i learn empathy and patience
the ability to bite your tongue before you make a statement
my grades moving up now i’m in the 80s
and i’m writing love songs god i’m codeine crazy
see the addiction in my future
with the way things moving
everything seems like my fault and i’m feeling useless
beefing with roommates to protect her but i don’t why i do it
i start to place my value on the words she saying
self-esteem low and depression kicks in its draining
must be hard to be around so she avoids me now
going home to duck out the way like she in the matrix
still like the ocean wave the highs come before the crash
so last year she telling me she need me bad
we pick out a place, but feeling out of place
new man like barry sanders got her running back
so 3 years on and alone again
have to look at myself and this a show again
suicidal thoughts got the drama spinning more
but like biggie when pick up the pen, i’m in my zone again
we see each other on occasion, her lies crazy
hiding a guy i’ve seen with her, it’s kind of basic
so i make cards on the table and let the music say it
and then exes and exits, and i feel amazing
so now the focus is back on me
a couple girls but nah, they ain’t bossing me
and i keep telling my story on beats, yeah ain’t no stopping me
starting to realize the value i offer, jeeze
self indulgent and arrogant those parts are for show
i try to give you a piece of me with every word that i wrote
so if you listening, i hope you all know
if you feel like me, well then you ain’t on your own

- jxckal lyrics

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