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the actuary song - joshua salzman and ryan cunningham lyrics

[diana, spoken]
take your relationship length, or rl
first year of rl
is worth six month’s recovery
the second year is worth exactly half that

[marcie, spoken]
(laughs)

[diana, spoken]
now don’t you laugh at this brilliant discovery
[diana]
each year is worth one half the lack of mirth the year before was worth
your aches and pains will soon diminish
so rebound time
“rt” is the fraction of the year it takes for pain to disappear
you go through rt and then finish
your rt is important, and it really can’t be shortened
no matter what you do, don’t even try

[marcie, spoken]
what if i…?

[diana]
so you can date around
but then those guys will just be rebound men
that’s what rebound time is all about!
and it’s as simplе as that!

[marcie]
so i give it time
then find thе one
i’m gonna go out and i’ll get him
once my rebound time is done
i have his picture in my mind
it’s as clear as black and white
he’ll be everything i’ve ever dreamed of
i’m gonna find mr. right
[marcie, spoken]
yes?

[diana, spoken]
no. we still need to figure out your rebound time
you following me so far?

[marcie, spoken]
yes? no

[diana]
some factors can make a relationship feel long
like how right the break up felt
or the way that things went wrong
if you ask me, it’s plain to see
that there are three things to consider
when it’s all to be configurated
your rl, it can change
i know it may sound strange
but what matters is how long it feels like you dated
your new rl
we’ll call it adjusted rl, or just arl
and it’s the arl that changes with:
one: what number boyfriend was he?
was it low or was it high?
also known as the number boyfriend index or the nbi
this matters, it does
and it’s four divided by three plus the number boyfriend that he was
two: the who broke up with whom concept
the wbuwwc, you with me?
if he dumped you, you multiply by five fourths
if you dumped him, you multiply by three fourths
and number three: the bitterness factor
rate the bitterness of the breakup on the scale of one to ten
you take that number, divide by point five and then you get the bf
and it’s as simple as that!
[marcie, spoken]
so what’s my rebound time?

[diana, spoken]
well, you actually dated for two years, he was your twenty*seventh boyfriend. based on how you’re reacting to the breakup, i’d say the bitterness was about a five, (calculating) so it’s like you dated for a year!

[marcie, spoken]
(gasp) you know, it felt like that!

[diana, spoken]
exactly!
putting your rebound time at six months. officially

[marcie, spoken]
isn’t that what i said five minutes ago?

[diana, spoken]
but now it’s proven!

[marcie]
so i’ll give it time
begin to heal
once i’m done with rebound time
it’s time to bring on someone real
we’ll think all the same thoughts
and we’ll never ever fight
he’ll be everything i’ve ever dreamed of
i’m gonna find mr. right

[diana, spoken]
yeah, actually…

[marcie, spoken]
what?

[diana]
well, it’s not that simple
some of my friends got their perfect man
but just before they got him
they dated the worst man possible
they hit boyfriend rock bottom

[marcie]
so in order to find my perfect man
i need to find someone who’s perfectly wrong!
i’m in new york, that shouldn’t take too long

[diana]
you’ve gotta find mr. wrong while you’re in rt
or you’ll repeat this cycle forever
just like me

[marcie & diana]
i’ll give it time (you bet you will, don’t blow it)
but first i have to find someone (when i was in my rebound time, i blew it and i knew it, i blew it)
who’s flawed, structured, and boring (god i blew it, i blew it and i knew it)
he’ll have warts of every kind. (super warty)
i’ll give it time (warty, warty, warty, warty)
but then leave mr. rebound behind (warty, warty, warty, warty, warty, warty, warty, warty)

[diana]
he’ll have a bump
live in a dump
be such a chump
that if you hump you’ll need a p*n*s*pump

[marcie & diana]
i’ll give it time (you’re gonna give it time)
otherwise i’ll be sure (otherwise you’ll be sure)
to go back through the cycle that i’ve cycled through before. (to go back to the cycle that you’ve cycled through before)
i’m sure it won’t be pleasant
but i’ll stand strong (but you’ll stand strong)

[diana & marcie]
and i swear i will be there
no matter where
because i care (to find mr. right)
we are a pair
and we will share
the wear and tear

[marcie, diana & ]

i gotta find mr. wrong (you gotta find mr. wrong)

- joshua salzman and ryan cunningham lyrics

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