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christmas tips - john mulaney lyrics

[intro]
(h-llo, robbie!)
h-llo

[verse 1]
welcome home, mr. and mrs
what is this? i’ll tell you, this is
just a package i’ve been holding
it’s addressed to mrs. goldstein
what a co-op, what a lobby
every slob is acting sn-bby
but you take a tip from robbie
you should tip your doorman

the holidays are merry
all the secrets that i carry
once slip of the lip is scary
’cause tomorrow you’re not married

[chorus 1]
i open the door, give kids high fives
one, two, three
i open the door and i watch your lives
and the things you do
so you better tip me
’cause i watch your lives

[verse 2]
take a look at last year’s tipping
many tenants were just skipping
out of town without no tipping
so my lip i am unzipping
from 8d, golly gee, 20 dollars and some wine
but 6c, lousy, i’ve a secret, mrs. klein
there’s a second mrs. klein, she is at least 29
she’s 18, i’m being kind
what was going through his brain?
next time when it’s pouring rain
from this fella, no umbrella
slip and fall, enjoy the sprain

[chorus 2]
i open the doors, give kids high fives
one, two, three
i open the doors and i watch your lives
your private lives
and i keep a journal

[bridge]
all i ever wanted was to be in the majors
maybe play for the yankees, or be wealthy in general
but then my father, he got sick, and he’s doing better now
i should call him, it’s been weeks, but he’s not good on the phone

[verse 3]
mr. adams, mrs. eve
this is your gift, i do believe?
a tree planted in tel aviv?
for your marriage, i now grieve
you see only him and me know
back when you were getting chemo
that nurse who was filipino
got knocked up with a bambino
and he shipped them off to reno
and you should have tipped me better
least 100 and a sweater
make it cashmere, there’s a letter
from the nurse that would upset her

[chorus 3]
i open the door, give kids high fives
one, two, three
i open the door and i watch your lives
your private lives
co-op, cooperate with me

- john mulaney lyrics

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