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achmed the dead terrorist - jeff dunham lyrics

jeff: good evening achmed
achmed: good evening… infidel
jeff: so you’re a terrorist?
achmed: yes… i am a terrorist
jeff: what kind of terrorist?
achmed: a terrifying… terrorist
achmed: are you scared?
jeff: not really… no.
achmed: harrr… and now?
jeff: not really, no.
achmed: huhharrr… how bout now?
jeff: no.
achmed: god dammit… oh oh, i i mean uh, ala dammit.
achmed: silence! i kill you!
jeff: so uh, achmed…
achmed: no no, it’s achmed.
jeff: that’s what i said…
achmed: no you said ukned, it’s achmed huchhuch huch huch huch huch…
silence! i kill you!
jeff:how do’ya spell it?
achmed: what?
jeff: how do you spell you name?
achmed: oh-uh… lets see an a… c… flem… silence! i kill you!
jeff: so achmed, if you’re a terrorist… i would suppose you have some sort of specialty.
achmed: yesss… i am a suicide bomber.
jeff: ahh… so you’re finished?
achmed: what?
jeff: yo-you’ve done your job?
achmed: no i haven’t
jeff: but you’re dead.
achmed: no i’m not, i feel fine!
jeff: but you’re all bone
achmed: it’s a flesh wound… silence! i kill you! what the h-ll happened to my feet? son of a b-tch? what the h-ll? oh wait a minute… what tha h-ll? what are you doin? ok stop it. get off… what are you doing to me! stop touching me! i kill you!
jeff: al’right just hold on we’ll fix this.
achmed: ok wait what are you doing… holy cr-p i’m in the air… wait, wait, wait something is backward. holy cr-p. i don’t know what i’m doin. i need some ligaments.
jeff: just sit still…
achmed: ok… i wil not move my a-s
walter: you idiot you don’t have an a-s

achmed: is that walter?
jeff: yea.
achmed: he scares the cr-p out of me! please don’t put me back in the sinned suitcase.
jeff: why?
achmed: he has gas…
achmed: sudan’s mustard gas is nothing compared to a walter fart.
walter: ah.hahahahahahhahahahahahhahaha

achmed: i-it’s not funny… he will kill us!
jeff: al-right… listen uh… achmed… i have something to tell you.
achmed: what?
jeff: you-you really are dead.
achmed: are are you sure?
jeff: yes.
achmed: i just got my flu shot.
jeff: you really are dead.
achmed: wait. if i am dead… -gasp… that means i get my 72 virgins -gasp… are you my virgins? i hope not.
jeff: why?
achmed: there’s a bunch of ugly-a-s guys out there.
achmed: if this is paradise… i’ve been screwed!
jeff: well did they say it would only be, female, virgins?
achmed: holy cr-p!
achmed: wait… i could have a clay aiken. ahahahahahha. i told a jokech!
jeff: al’right so listen achmed, so where did you come from?
achmed: your freaking suitcase. ahahahahaha. i told another one.
jeff: heh, look if you’ve been in my suitcase all this time… how have you been getting through security at the airports?
achmed: oh that’s easy, they open the case and i go “ello! i am lindsay lohan!” haha… i-i told another jokech! i can do this cr-p to’ch.
achmed: ok, here’s another one… 2 jews walk in a bar.
jeff: no, no.
achmed: what?
jeff: no.
achmed: what, you don’t let jews in your bar? you racist bast–d.
jeff: what i mean is i don’t want racist jokes in my act.
achmed: oh-ok, how ’bout if i kill the jews?
jeff: no.
achmed: i’m kidding, i would not kill the jews… no! i would toss a penny between them and watch them fight to the death! ahahahhahaha! yes-yes! i did the same thing with 2 catholic priests then i tossed in a small boy! ahahahahaha. haha yes-yes, and the winner had to fight michael jackson.
jeff: youughhh!
achmed: ahahahaha.
jeff: achmed.
achmed: what?
jeff: stop doing this.
achmed: what?
jeff: you can’t tell jokes like that.
achmed: why not? i’m killing so to speak.
jeff: well you can’t tell jokes like that.
achmed: why?
jeff: it offends people.
achmed: oh i’m dead what do i care? what do you want me to do… knock-knock jokesch?
jeff: that would probably be better.
achmed: ok, knock-knock…
jeff: whose there?
achmed: me! i kill you.

jeff: so look, as a suicide bomber have you had training?
achmed: of course, we had the suicide bomber training camp.
jeff: ah, is that a nice facility?
achmed: it used to be.
jeff: what happened?
achmed: new guy… the idiot tried to practice!
jeff: and what did you guys learn from that?
achmed: location, location, location.
jeff: so you guys have any kind of motto?
achmed: like what?
jeff: you know like, “we are looking for a few good men.
achmed: were looking for some idiots with no future.
jeff: so where do you get your recruits?
achmed: the suicide hotline. ahahahha… that was dark was it not?
jeff: yea, so-uh what exactly happened to you?
achmed: hah?
jeff: what happened?
achmed: oh, if you must know. i am a horrible suicide bomber!
jeff: what happened?
achmed: i had a preimature detonation. i set the timer for 30 minutes but it went off in 4 seconds!
achmed: you know what that’s like right? mr.hurrrriiccaanne…
walter: ahahahhahahahaha
jeff: so achmed, what exactly happened to you?
achmed: well, i was getting gasoline and i answered my cellphone.
jeff: yea.
achmed: can you hear me now… cunk. at first i thought it was because i went over my minutes.
jeff: that’s too bad.
achmed: it’s ok i took that verizon bas—d with me.
jeff: so-uh, what’s it like to die? do you see a white light?
achmed: if you’re dumb enough to watch the explosion… yes.
jeff: no, i mean when some people die they see a white light. what did you see?
achmed: i saw flying car parts…
jeff: what was the last thing that went through you’re mind?
achmed: my a-s. ahahahhaha. walter told me to tell that jokech.
jeff: so you never saw a white light?
achmed: no, but i saw a blue creais. do you really have one of those vehicles?
jeff: yes.
achmed: ahahahhahahah! ohh! that is not a car that’s a lunch box.
achmed: did you know when you’re going down the highway in a creais that if you put your hand out the window, the vehicle will turn.
jeff: you did all of this for a bunch of virgins?
achmed: are you kidding me? i’d kill you for a klondik bar.
jeff: so i guess you’re muslim?
achmed: i don’t think so.
jeff: you’re not muslim?
achmed: no.
jeff: why?
achmed: look on my a-s, it says made in china.
achmed: walter says i’m just a stinkin’ halloween decoration. ahahhahaha.
jeff: so do you like being in d.c?
achmed: i think some idiots must live there.
jeff: why?
achmed: for example, the washington monument.
jeff: yes?
achmed: it looks nothing like the guy, it looks more like a tribute to bill clinton. ahhahahhaha
jeff: what do ya think of bush?
achmed: ohhhhhhh, i love buhh, oh! you mean the president? i’m sorry.

- jeff dunham lyrics

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