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学者 - the scholar - jae canetti, addison newringeisen lyrics

narrator: northeastern india, along the border of china. 644 ce. a buddhist monk and traveler named xuanzang is on a long journey home to chang’an after spending a decade studying his religion in india. along the way, a rogue hindu bandit hears of his p-ssing and realizes that he probably has loads of riches in his caravan. if he steals these valuables, he has a shot at making enough money to break out of poverty. at this moment, he realizes it’s time to make his move

bandit verse 1:

wake up in the morning and i’m ready to pray
feeling good, knock on wood i’m getting lucky today
i got a sword to my left, shiva sculpture on the right
bouta rob a caravan, i’m eating good tonight

a little birdie came and told me that a monk’s p-ssing through
with a whole lotta jewelry, you know what i’m tryna do
knock knock, who’s there? i see riches everywhere
so when they fall asleep tonight, imma go and pick a fight

narrator: the caravan stops for the night and all of the men and animals fall asleep… except for one. xuanzang is wide awake, meditating and reflecting on his interactions with king harsha in india. when he hears the bandit sneaking into his supply of jewels and robes, he is absolutely livid. he decides that there’s only way to settle this conflict… a rap battle

xuanzang verse 1:

i see you tryna steal my jewels you filthy little crook
buddhists try to be accepting but now i gotta cook
flexin’ on you with the robes, while you’re covered in fleas
if you’re gonna take my jewelry, how about a pretty please?

cuz it’s 1 in the morning and i’m tryna reach nirvana
but you’re sneaking into places, digging through my cases, like you’re on a
mission, escaping like houdini, sorry bud you’re no magiciane
this caravan is like the nsa, no admission

i’m the real deal, boy i educate the kings
have you even met a n-ble? go pack up your things
my opinion is valued, my teaching is revered
but i still can’t figure out, have you ever shaved your beard?

my religion has the power to unify all the world
while your petty self is here with your fists all curled
you think i’d ever stoop to your position down so low
with all this buddhist knowledge, i’m a one man show

narrator: the bandit forgets completely about his goal to steal xuanzang’s riches, instead becoming enraged at his disrespect. as a member of the “untouchable” hindu varna, the bandit feels highly disregarded

bandit verse 2:

xuanzang strutting ‘round, acting like you own the place
teaching and preaching your buddhist trash, get out of my face
i know that you’re feeling all mighty on your high horse
while the peasants out here starving we the real work force

you say that your goal is to “educate” everyone
we don’t need your stupid teachings, not me, not anyone
admit it, you only left china for yourself, so
please box up your ideas and put them on the shelf

i heard that back in gaochun you went on a hunger strike
i’m not sure you understand, that’s our life every night
you’ve got robes and riches, man you don’t know the struggle
so don’t you dare preach down on me from your perfect little bubble

you brag about your flow acting like it’s god given
that’s cute, wait remind me, what god do you believe in?
your country doesn’t want you man and neither do we
i rob anyone i want i think i’m reigning supreme

narrator: xuanzang is tired of rapping and realizes that he is straying from the eightfold path, which is the cause of his current suffering. he decides that it’s time to end this battle for good

xuanzang verse 2:

i’m a buddhist monk, i value love and inclusion
but you’re kinda aggressive man, you’re jumping to conclusions
i’m just a guy from luoyang, my homies call me xuanzang
i’m never leaving home again, call this trip my swan song

it’s time to go home and read these scripts i’ve been h–rding
turn it into a book, call me asian stewart gordon
translate all these scripts, sanskrit into chinese
it’ll take twenty years, but it’s about to be a breeze

i tried to be confucianist but that didn’t work
and i wasn’t feeling islam, do i look like a turk?
so i started up some drama cause i idolize gautama
and i dipped to india, immigrated like obama

i stop in lots of cities as i’m crossing the globe
and i cop a lot of gifts, i wonder how many robes? i got
one, two, three, four, then a couple hundred more
gifts straight from royalty, whatchu tryna flex for?

lookin at you dressed up in those dirty rags sorry that’s kinda wack
tryna get up in this silk cuz i’m lookin like a snack
makes me sad, that you’re out on the streets
but too bad, i know you’re mad cuz not everybody eats

i think this rap battle’s done, coming to a conclusion
and i don’t remember much from back when i was confucian
but you broke rule one, and you make it apparent
cause in filial piety, the son respects the parent

- jae canetti addison newringeisen lyrics

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