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screech in - irene sankoff and david hein lyrics

newfoundlander: now there’s a
solemn old tradition for admission or
audition to transition from a come-from-away

to be a newfoundlander!

newfoundlander: the only other way
to any rate is p-ss away and pray to fate
and wait to reincarnate as a newfoundlander

hey, hey come on inside, nothing ventured
nothing tried!

woman: only a couple of people cried

you’ll be a newfoundlander. hey, hey sit down
right here you’ll feel better in a year

newfoundlander: try to ignore your
doubts and fears…

and you’ll be a newfoundlander

(spoken)
newfoundlander: now we needs a
couple of volunteers. who wants to become a newfoundlander?
man: right here!
newfoundlander: good man! who else?
kevin: i have no idea why i put up my hand
and kevin’s like
kevin: oh my god. are you serious?
oh my god you are serious!
kevin: yes i’m serious. don’t do it if you
don’t want to
kevin: i won’t
newfoundlander: where you from buddy?
kevin: los angeles
newfoundlander: la! who else?
woman: us!
diane: we want to be newfoundlanders!
newfoundlander: alright. we’re you
folks from
diane: texas
newfoundlander: texas! what part of
texas are you from buddy?
nick: no, no i not from–
diane: i’m from texas, he’s from england
newfoundlander: wait, now how does
that work?
nick: how does what work?
newfoundlander: well, how does your
marriage work with you being in england
her in texas?
diane: we’re not married
nick: not married
newfoundlander: oh, i’m sorry
i -ssumed you were married. well would
you like to be?
diane: well why not!
nick: diane had had 2 beers by then so
it was probably the alcohol talking
diane: i’ve never had more than 1 beer at a
time before so it’s probably the alcohol talking
nick: i went and got her 2 more beers

(sung)
newfoundlander: now the first part
is the easiest we’ll soon get to the queasiest
i’ll need you to repeat this mess

when you become a newfoundlander!

newfoundlander: cause we speaks
a different language son. we have some
messes and some rum. you’ll have to try a good cod tongue

when you become a newfoundlander!
hey, hey just do your best, nothings
scary, nothing yet

woman: you’ll have to change the way
your dressed

and you’ll be a newfoundlander! hey, hey
just sing along nothing venture just prolong

newfoundlander: there’s 30 verses in
this song!

and you’ll be a newfoundlander

(spoken)
newfoundlander: ladies and gentlemen
this is screech! back in ww2 an officer was
stationed here and offered some of this stuff
all the locals were tossing ’em back without
a quiver so he does too and lets out an ear
piercing -howls-. everybody comes to see
what’s happening says

“what was that ungodly screech?”

and now it’s your turn. are you ready?
good. all together now! one (one), two
(two) three (three), down the hatch!

kevin: screech is basically bad jamaican rum
man: screech is horrific!
woman: screech is delicious!
man: and then they brought the cod!
kevin: the cod!
nick: the cod!
diane: the cod!

(sung)
newfoundlander: now with every
transformation comes a tiny bit of risk
you’ve got to walk the plank and there’ll
be blood or there’ll be bliss. and it’s a shame
to be a newfoundlander, every person’s
weird so don’t be dumb, just take the plunge
go on kiss the fish
(spoken)
ladies and gentlemen this is a freshly caught newfoundland cod, and if you want to
become an honorary newfoundlander
you’ll have to give her a smooch. one!

kevin: if you kiss that i am never kissing
you again!
kevin: i’ll risk it!
newfoundlander: two!
nick: i’m not kissing a fish
diane: come on. i will if you will
nick: oh my god. fine
newfoundlander: three!
diane: i can’t do it
nick: what? i just did
newfoundlander: now you’ve got
to kiss the cod! it’s a vital part of the ceremony
diane: i can’t do it
newfoundlander: alright. look
i’ll make you a deal. either you kiss this fish
or else you kiss this english man you’re
not married to

hey, hey, come out tonight take a risk
and take a ride! jump right in, we can
both be tired, and you’ll be a newfoundlander!
hey, hey come on lets spore, nothing
ventured nothing sore. after it’s over
out the door, and you’ll be a newfoundlander!
after it’s over, you’ll remember, and you’re a newfoundlander!

- irene sankoff and david hein lyrics

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