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spatial disorientation - illijam lyrics

[verse 1]
i don’t know which way’s up anymore/
heartthrobbing
as i lay on the floor/
singing power in the name of jesus, til my throat sore/
i’m wondering, is he folklore?/
i close my eyes tryna see a little light/
when i pray he don’t hear me, now i’m falling through the night/
i’m hurting so uncertain the vertigo keep obscuring the verdict bro i am flirting with shirking all
my discernment/
was any of it even real? my pupils wide as ferris wheels/
spinning in my head, tailspinning
in my dread, this plane needs a cartesian deal/
like (x, y), why ex, did you leave? last i checked/
we were fine, you were mine; now i keep watch: timex/
for signs at times i wonder, as i’m flying blind and under/
the influ of grief, 100 proof; what if everything i believed was just a ruse?/
what if none of it’s true? the product of total delusion/
and all of these people look up to me for what i preach so i’m feeling secluded/
what if i’m not who i think i am? ever since you said you’re doubting/
my sick heart holds on to you by joining you in free fall off faith mountain/
guess i’m weaker than i thought, guess i forgot to count your faith loss/
you leaving and the thought of you disbelieving, got me teeming with blaspheming thoughts/

[prechorus]
fly blind, hold up/
are we, divin? pull up/
we lost, all our, control of/
communication, click click nothing/ (2x)

[hook]
i don’t know where i am, don’t know what i believe/
the sky’s dark and my heart is sh-llshocked/
was any of it true, or was i truly deceived?/
half of me screams there is no god/

[verse 2]
arms around my knees, it’s pitch black in my room/
my mouth agape my eyes the shape of lemurs in cartoons/
my heart races in anguish, living hurts and nothing’s sure/
if i was so real back then then why did this bomb blast just birth/
this existential crisis? got its blade on my throat likes it’s isis/
but i fear i am not as brave or as convinced as egyptian christians who think christ is/
priceless, but my mastercard card, can stand to spend the 30 pieces of silver/
it costs to apostatize, my lord these thoughts are unfamiliar/
but maybe these words are like the wind, maybe they are just here and gone/
a product not of who i really am, but a product of the sore my plight has brought on/
i don’t got the answers, all i got is this cancer/
ivory tower folk judge me, don’t pray, and do prey on me like panthers/
deep down, i know that i know that i know/
there is a god who’s in control and loves me even though/
i can’t feel him, often shouting, can’t see him, wanna flee him/
if you’re in control why the chaos; i do believe that’s why i’m still even doubting/

[verse 3]
i stay low, cuz now ain’t high time for me to broadcast/
these doubts and bomb blast, the faith of the young so i fall back/
no social media, just me and my bible and brothers/
they tellin me read the word trust god keep flying don’t mind the thunder/
they say don’t doubt in the dark, what he showed you in the light/
though my mind been shot with these doubt darts, i think they might be right/
think my cognizance is compromised, cuz i don’t see the horizon/
trust your flight instruments, right now your mind is lying/
it’s insane; how everything my mind insists/
is disconnected from reality and would crash me into a cliff/
i got a choice to make (got a choice to make):
my perception or his promises/
this storm won’t last forever but my choice will choose my consequence/
i can rebel, say forget you, you don’t care/
how dare you let this come to p-ss? you’re incompetent, unjust, unloving and weak (or)/
say you’re god, and i’m not; you’re holding me even through all of this h-ll/
you’re loving and wise, nothing can pry me outta your hands and you’ll make it end well/
help me believe, help me believe/

- illijam lyrics

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