just how i feel, pt. 4 - hotel books lyrics
[verse 1]
things lately all seem so tragic
the self-destruction’s been gathering
memories i’m hardly fathoming
did they happen to me or someone i used to love that sounded like a piece of me leaving?
every seven years, these cells are replaced
my body is part soil, part water, part garbage, maybe part you
where did the dna information travel?
did i hold on too tight?
did i harbor it?
i don’t know
have i grown to love the world around me because i built it?
did i allow myself to experience life or just an echo chamber for the wicked?
i guess i never asked what would happen if the doctor got sick
because to me, healers were never people, they were part of a service, and now i’m scared i’ve abused it
so where do good people go when they die, the ones you reject?
i wish you would disappear again so i could find myself
i’ll swallow my pride if it means i wouldn’t be so afraid of h-ll
embellished or simply untrue
when i look into a mirror, can i still say, “i love you”?
whatever whispered back “i love you, too,” was my reflection ashamed of the words i’ve shared?
when i turned on myself, will there be another pain to bear?
and with all of this, i keep the curtains shut
the sun reminds me of better days
i don’t think about it too much
i keep my heart in my back pocket and my mind trapped in the strain
and now i just take it day by day
[verse 2]
i miss looking up to bill cosby
i miss innocence
i miss being selfish
i miss gene wilder and garry shandling
i miss being afraid of marijuana
i miss when my friends hated me
i miss jersey sh-r-
i miss being afraid of the dark
i missed my grandma’s funeral to play music for 15 kids
i miss not having to hate myself to feel like i’m balancing out the score
i miss not being sick
i miss the pity i got when i was sick
i miss loving those around
i miss embracing hope
i miss when my heroes seemed perfect, but thank god they’ve been called out, ’cause i’m not living in the sickening ignorance
i miss me
i miss myself
i miss feeling lovely
i miss feeling loved
i miss feeling love
i missed three calls from you because i was watching tv
not even a show i liked, just a show that i got sucked into
one of those shows about home renovations
i hated it, but i had to know if the seafoam tile in the bathroom would come in under budget
i miss the bad weather
i miss excuses
i miss the smell of a dinner being cooked for my whole family under one roof
i miss blank stares from across the room
i missed my moment to love you the right way the first time and i’m still beating myself up for it
i miss a lot of things
i miss nothing
i miss the nothingness that comes with missing nothing
but i miss the something i feel when i miss something
or everything, or nothing
i miss skating
i miss watching you sing, even though i never heard you do it before
i miss those nights when my knees would hit the bedroom floor, ’cause i still believed in the power of praying
i miss the days where i didn’t believe in prayer at all, ’cause there was no guilt
i miss watching boy meets world with my babysitter
he’s the one who showed me p.o.d. and since then, i’ve been much happier
i miss me
i miss myself
i miss feeling lovely
i miss feeling loved
i miss feeling love
and someday, when my bones are dust, and my dna’s been spread through the garbage behind your house, i hope you also miss me
[radio interview]
[bridge]
the first time one of my friends started smoking cigarettes i thought, “this is the end of him, he’s gonna lose himself in this”
not realizing a pack a day was common for the people around me
i was just blinded to it ’cause it never happened in my own family
and i was afraid of perspective
now i’m afraid of perspective
and i’m afraid of perspective
and i’m afraid of perspective
’cause it’ll chase me [?]
[text-to-speech]
“if it is human nature to reject struggle, then i reject nature. we have become so soaked in irony, we are starting to drown.”
“if it is human nature to reject struggle, then i reject nature. we have become so soaked in irony, we are starting to drown.”
“if it is human nature to reject struggle, then i reject nature. we have become so soaked in irony, we are starting to drown.”
“if it is human nature to reject struggle, then i reject nature. we have become so soaked in irony, we are starting to drown.”
“if it is human nature to reject struggle, then i reject nature. we have become so soaked in irony, we are starting to drown.”
“if it is human nature to reject struggle, then i reject nature. we have become so soaked in irony, we are starting to drown.”
[outro]
death is not a moment in our lives
death is constant
and our lives are a moment
so when we choose to spend our lives hating someone else
it’s a moment
we hate something we see
in ourselves
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