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introduction - dick cavett - groucho marx lyrics

thank you, it’s nice to be wanted. i…i must eh tell
you, for the people in the back, it’s d-ck cavett up
here. i can’t believe that i’m here tonight. it’s not
carnegie hall that gets to me, but i can’t believe that
i know groucho marx and he asked me to..ehm… to
introduce him tonight, and i’ll do that as quickly as
possible.

i met groucho marx on a sunny sunday afternoon about
twelve years ago. he was coming from the funeral of a
great friend of his, a man he has often said was his
god, george s. kaufman, we met on the corner of fifty..
eightyfirst and fifth and, i couldn’t believe it, but
he asked me to walk down fifth avenue with him. we
stopped ever so often so he could insult a doorman. we
got to the plaza where he was staying and i -ssumed
that the dream was over and i was trying to think of a
way to say goodbye and he said, with that familiar soft
voice, that i knew first from the quizshow and then
from the movies “well, you certainly seem like a nice
young man, and i’d like to have lunch with you.” and we
had lunch. it was wonderful, i went home to write it
down, as much as i could remember of it. i remember for
dessert… the captain and the waiter both came over to
take his dessert order, and groucho said “do you have
any fruit, you can recommend” to the waiter “and i
don’t mean the captain here.” so…eh…it was like
that.

the only sad thing about groucho’s life is that there
is so many thousands of funny things that have gone
unrecorded. luckily there was someone along at the
anti-semetic country club, when they told him he
couldn’t use the pool, and he asked “since my daughter
is only half-jewish, could she go in up to her knees?”

thank you, for him.

there’s a lot of profound things, that should be said
about groucho, like the fact that his comedy achieves
the level of great art, that he has all the gifts i
think that a comedian can have. some of them have a few
of them, he has them all, but that’s for people to
write about.

i was asked to mention one thing: please don’t take any
flash pictures. it makes groucho dizzy and he could…
it’s true, he could fall. he wanted me to mention that,
and i said “how can i say that and not alarm the
audience?” and he said “easy, tell them i’ll drop dead,
if they do.” he’s serious, but not when you want him to
be.

anyway, to get quickly to the part of the evening that
you came and paid for, i would first like to introduce
a few people that should be mentioned now. among them:
rufus t. firefly, j. cheever loophole – j. cheever
loophole – hold your applause to the end, please – dr.
hugo c. hackenbush, otis b. driftwood, and captain
jeffrey spaulding – the one, the only, groucho.

- groucho marx lyrics

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