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the shaggy dog stories - chap. 4 - george plant lyrics

chapter 4
buford the talking frog

buford was very handsome southern bullfrog; handsome as bullfrogs go. one day he hopped down the street and into a bank, his briefcase tucked under his right foreleg. buford hopped up to the first open teller window and sat down on the ledge in front of teller stutterer suss. he announced, “hi, i need a loan.”

mr. suss seemed completely unruffled to be confronted by a talking frog. without a moment’s hesitation he replied, “i’m ss-sorry sir, the everglades ss-savings and loan doesn’t mm-make loans to amphibians.”

quickly opening the brief case, buford produced construction permits and blueprints. showing them to mr. suss, he said, “but i really need this loan. you see i have this construction project in mind. down in the swamp, we need affordable housing for all my relations and in-laws. i have the permits. freddy, an architect newt friend of mine, has drawn up the plans. everything has been approved and the permits have been issued. all i need now is the financing.”

for mr. suss, this was getting stranger by the moment. it wasn’t enough that he was talking to a frog, but now she was talking about plans, permits and a newt architect. mr. suss blurted out, “i cc-can’t help you sir. you’ll hh-have to talk to our ll-loan officer, miss black. wait here for a mm-moment and i’ll get her.”

mr. suss walked to the other side of the lobby and after several minutes of animated conversation at the other side of the bank, he returned with the loan officer. “h-llo, i’m miss patricia black, the loan officer here. how can i help you?”

buford went through his speech again, telling her about the plans and permits, about the housing and his friend freddy the newt architect. thinking she could put an end to this foolishness quickly, miss black asked, “what do you have to put up for collateral for a loan? you must have something of value to put up as collateral against a loan like this.”

buford dug further into his briefcase. “i have this”, he replied as he drew forth a hummel annual christmas decorative plate

“i can’t give you a loan based on this thing”, miss black said, pointing at buford’s little treasure. buford begged and pleaded. finally, buford demanded to see the bank manager. mr. sus left for a moment to get him. after another animated conversation at the other side of the bank. the bank manager came over and asked “what’s the problem, miss black?” “well, mr. brown …” and the loan manager explained that the frog wanted a loan to construct housing in the swamp for his relations and in-laws and he had the plans and permits, but all he had was this small collectible plate as collateral

the manager, bemused by the whole situation, took the hummel plate in hand, examined it carefully, then handed it back to miss black saying, “it’s a knick-knack, patty black. give the frog a loan.”

- george plant lyrics

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