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the college try - garfunkel and oates lyrics

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there comes a time in everyone’s life
when they choose stasis or they choose to grow
to be open new views and experiences
and challenge what they think they know

we don’t live a in a black and white world
and s-xuality exists in the gray
you can’t define those roles so rigidly
by saying someone’s totally straight or totally gay

cause people are just people
and love today is omnis-xual
god, i love this new side of me
as a modern heteroflexible

so with the help of a lot of booze
i find a girl and we make out
and it feels the same as kissing a guy
so i don’t see what the fuss is about

we keep hooking up and it feels so good
and with my new broad outlook firmly in place
i’ve come so far, it feels so right
there’s a v-g-n- in my face and i’m all

holy sh-t i didn’t expect that, didn’t know i’d react that way
i was repelled like negatively charged ions in a magnetic field or like i got pr-cked by a th-rn
i’m cinderella and it’s midnight and my coach turned into a woman
i haven’t been that close to a v-g-n- since i was born

i thought i understood what was up down there
but it’s just so human when you see it up close
it’s a messy visible secreting organ
real woman genitals are kinda gross

i thought it’d be smooth and non-threatening
or nonexistent like barbie’s
instead it looks like a half eaten beef and cheddar
in the garbage can at arby’s

it’s wrinkly and flappy and uneven and messy
and kind of pink but also kind of brown
with a super aggressive tongue-like hole
and a hoody triangle protruding skin mound

it’s like a weather beaten deflated football
or a decomposing, bl–dy pear
or a toothless mouth with gum rot and yeast
that’s salivating and covered in hair

i knew it smelled weird but this is extreme
like old french dressing at a salad bar
or expired banana activia
or a dead, rotting turtle you left in your car

it reminds me of the smell of my grandma’s house
or a guinea pig with bacterial disease
wafting from a jar of formaldahyde
or fresh spaghetti-o’s and warm blue cheese

i’m sorry i can’t believe i said that
that was insensitive and immature
i swear i’m not h-m-phobic or anti-woman
just caught of guard for sure

the female anatomy’s divine and perfect
and should be eternally celebrated
and revered for it’s role as beautiful vessel
wherein all life is created
and when i think about it i’m like

sorry for the confusion ma’am
i guess i’m not that evolved
and my illusions of bis-xuality
just instantly dissolved

i mourn the cool new life i’d envisioned
where love renders gender preference obsolete
cause when i looked a v-g-n- in the eye
i made a hasty, ungraceful retreat

so my sad but definite conclusion is
that my mouth is for food and p-n-ses only
but i’m happy so many people like it down there
otherwise i’d be really lonely
and i can’t believe i have one of those

- garfunkel and oates lyrics

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