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ti kwan leep - frantics lyrics

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teacher: approach, students. close the circle at the feet of the master. you have come to me asking that i be your guide along the path of ti kwan leep. but, be warned: to learn its ways, you must learn the ways of your own soul. let us meditate upon this wisdom now. so: aaaaaaooooommm……
ed gruberman: uh, sir! sir! (oo! oo!) sir!

teacher: who disturbs our meditation, as a pebble disturbs the stillness of the pond?

ed gruberman: me! ed gruberman?

teacher: e-ed gruberman?

ed gruberman: yeah, uh, no disrespect or nothin’, but, like, uh, how long is this gonna take?

teacher: ti kwan leep is not a path to a door, but a road leading forever towards the horizon

ed gruberman: so like, what, an hour or so?

teacher: no, no, we have not even begun upon the path. ed gruberman, you must learn patience

ed gruberman: yeah yeah yeah, patience. how long will that take?

teacher: time has no meaning. to a true student, a year is as a day

ed gruberman: a year??? i wanna beat people up right now! i got the pajamas! hah woo yah ooomm!

teacher: “beat people up”…?

ed gruberman: yeah! just show me all those nifty moves so i can start trashing bozos! that’s all i came here for! yo asta sta sta!!! pretty good, eh?

teacher: the only use of ti kwan leep is self-defense. do you know who said that? ki lo ni, the great teacher

ed gruberman: yeah? well the best defense is a good offense, you know who said that? mel, the cook on “alice”

teacher: no, um…ti kwan leep is the wine of purity, not the vinegar of hostility. meditate upon this truth with us. aaaaoooommm…

ed gruberman: listen, shrimp! are you gonna show me some fancy moves, or am i gonna start wipin’ the walls with you?

teacher: ed gruberman, you fail to grasp ti kwan leep. approach me that you might see

ed gruberman: all right! finally some action!

teacher: observe closely, cl-ss. boot to the head! (sh-zoomp!)

ed gruberman (drunkenly): owww! you booted me in the head!

teacher: you are lucky, ed gruberman. few novices experience so much of ti kwan leep so soon

ed gruberman (quietly, to himself): ow, oh, my head!

teacher: now we continue. aaaaaoooommmm…

ed gruberman: hey! hey, i wasn’t ready! come and get me now shorty, huh? come on, are ya chicken?

teacher: boot to the head! (sh-zoomp!)

ed gruberman (again, drunkenly): oww! okay, now i’m ready, okay, now, come on, try it now

teacher: boot to the head! (sh-zoomp!)

ed gruberman: mind if i just lie down here for a minute?

teacher: now cl-ss, we shall return to our…

student 2: master?

teacher: it is wrong to tip the vessel of knowledge, student

student 2: many apologies, master. but i feel ed gruberman is not wholly wrong

teacher: what do you mean?

student 2: i want to boot some head, too

teacher: have you learned nothing from the lesson of ed gruberman?

student 2: yes, master. i have learned two things. first, that anger is a weapon only to one’s opponent

teacher: very good

student 2: and secondly, get in the first shot. boot to the head. (sh-zoomp!)

teacher: you missed

student 2: uh, yeah. well…

teacher: you too shall be honored to learn a lesson…

student 2: you don’t have to, you know. i-i gotta be going…

teacher: boot to the head! (sh-zoomp!)

student 2 (agonizing pain): oyyy oy oyyyy…. oh….

teacher: can anyone tell us what lesson has been learned here?

student 3: uh, yes, master. not a single one of us could defeat you

teacher: you gain wisdom, child

student 3: so we’ll hafta gang up on ya! get ‘im guys!

(teacher throws many ‘boot to the head!s’ and ‘sh-zoomp!s’. there are many people groaning in pain.)

teacher: and now cl-ss, let us rejoin the mind to the body and
gaze into the heart of the candle in meditation

unison: aaaaaoooommm….

teacher: very good, cl-ss

- frantics lyrics

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