perfect little fiction - elizabeth whitington lyrics
these pieces aren’t as salvageable as i thought
and i already thought they were rusted enough
i scared everybody who knew me
open mouth has ruined my future once again
repeat until sober and scars have healed
tomorrow’s parking lot cars and city bus seats that throw me around
i’ll think: “maybe i’ll make like a pop*punk kid and jettison out of this f*cking town!”
but the bile will follow each step i take
and the fumes will taint my words as each syllablе leaves my lips
despitе the words you etch into your f*cking thighs
you still like to think they keep you in their minds
a ship that has long since sailed
and all of the passengers died
when it ran into some choppy weather
and the starboard side crashed
into the memories of your words
nothing lost, nothing gained!
just bought more time to feel ashamed!
hiraeth, but you can’t go back
there’s no saving this now!
***
my funeral will be a victory lap of the memories of me in isolation
and wishing i had the guts to dream again
and not just take apart these same clay knives
go through the top, like a story told backwards
another day in sin, thinking about how i used to think there’d be someone for me to fall in the arms of
pretty hair, red face
covered legs
“what a disgrace”, i know she thinks
while i’m stuttering in speeches
about how i like her yaamc t*shirt and her tattoos
(another flashback: “i can be less neurotic for you!”)
“summers are for drinking, breaking edge, and wearing the clothes of the person you spent the night with; not about sleeping in, staying home and feeling so sad, worthless and pathetic! get yr sh*t together, you can write that stupid letter when you’re foaming at the mouth, sit on michael’s couch and watch those stupid music videos that you hate, with all the neon lights and energy and girls you won’t meet
because that would have to mean you leave the house and show yr hideous face in the daylight!”
i guess it was stupid
entirely pathetic to cry in front of you
just served as reminders
all i’m useful for is being servile to whomever i see as somebody who has their sh*t together
never had a sense for love
maybe that’s why i feel so loved when i’m being hurt
being taken as nothing
that library dream, shouldn’t have been you, should’ve been me
i think my body’s a disease
it’s filled with marks and scars that bleed
i was forced into a bathroom stall as a kid
so i guess i’ve been sucking d*ck since grade 3
i was a chore
just a stupid tranny scumf*ck
when i cried on the phone and told you how my mom told me:
“how many pills did you waste?”
so next time, i’m getting it right
too much preamble to not end up as a statistic
no, i can’t be bipolar
that’s too easy of an explanation
and too light of a sentencing
to scold me for what i am and how i’ve treated people who didn’t deserve to be in h*ll
or at least not the h*ll i gave them
“go f*ck yourself, you always wanted to get away!”
it’s nothing new, these things ring true when i’m two feet in my grave
i love you, guys
but let’s be honest, did you feel the same?
hey char, hey mick, hey aubs
do you know what i can’t explain?
you taught me how to let go of the past, and yet you were the first to call once any trace of you remained
you taught me how to tie my first noose, and you almost jumped off a cliff because of it
you let me into your house
so sad to think about how we used to say we’d move it together as friends
now i’m just another face of your phone
i don’t f*cking forgive you
and i retract my previous apologies
i wrote those lyrics while crying my eyes out silently
while laying face*first on the street
and, oh, how my knees remain weak!
no more songs about bleeding hearts and missing everything!
the only thing that should be bleeding here is me!
the birds went cold, i made you wear them for the luxury scene!
please say you’ll bury me!
my words remain hollow nothings
***
death:
“the end has always been built in to the beginning
i do nothing but let you find your own ways
do you blame yourself for all of the suffering you caused everybody who knew you?
do you still see char when you close your eyes?
their passive and mousy face pressed violently against the thick ghostly pale skin of a brick wall?
do you see ashley alone
wrapped around a telephone pole?
squealing and shivering in the winter air
her front window smashed and her face cut into shreds?
my sweet baby
i left her at the barn
it was her you were forced to watch that day
do you still remember it all?
the way she walked and stomped on the moist dirt floor
strong like a little tyrant?
the way the hunter lowered his rifle and penetrated the back of her head with his bullet?
the way he dragged her back into the barn, leaving her face to be scratched and stained by the mud?
do you remember what he did to her then?
of course you do
i made sure you didn’t ever forget
do you remember how he slid off her tiny pants and exposed her p*n*s?
do you remember his famous hunting knife
how it glistened beneath the film tears?
do you remember the sound of its sharp point going down the length of the dead girl’s shaft?
how he pushed it in deeper the farther down the blade went?
do you remember the torrents of deep royal red blood spewing down from the girl’s scr*t*m and collecting on her unwashed *n*l opening?
the bare wrinkled ends touching the washed*out splintered wood?
do you remember what happened after, sarah?
of course you do
he f*cked her
do you still see it?
his p*n*s buried deep inside her caverns, pushing all her small little organs out of place and making her bleed as he expanded her passage by force?
how you watched it all happen from an unidentifiable dark expanse full of dried*up leaves?
how badly you wanted to break the projector and help that little girl
how, no matter how much you tried, you couldn’t reach anything but the bottom of your face?
you can still feel the hot streams of tears pouring down to your mouth
tell me, sarah
can you still taste the salt?”
***
i should’ve k!lled myself on trans day of remembrance
that would’ve made everybody laugh
you had to crop your t*shirts in the living room while they watched because they didn’t trust you to be alone with a pair of scissors
it was a big deal when they saw your body lifted into the back of the ems van
and all the while, i stumble and fumble my tongue like a freakshow
when i learn to speak, it will be to a nice man i met haphazardly
with a loud metal microphone
i will speak in memories
calling you poor unelectric heads
a projection on a screen
watching my body fall up and down the computer screen
just to feel wanted
i want to feel wanted
i wish i believed that somebody really wanted me to stay alive
so i can blame them for the fact that i’m not dead yet
because in all honesty, i’m so f*cking scared of what happens after
it was supposed to end in 2021
i thought i had taken enough
but all i did was wake up and wash my face in puke
with the wind blowing forever sideways
it doesn’t matter if i didn’t mean to hurt them anymore
the truth is that i did
and that’s all that matters
and all that awaits me in the oblivion plane was destined for me as soon as i opened my dumb f*cking mouth
i wish he had raped away my ability to speak
maybe then i’d still have some friends to spare
can i be your housewife
so many bird years wasted by my hands
pick me up by my broken t**th and skullf*ck me until i feel alive again
say something shocking for the audience
myth thinks it’s a pathetic way to live your life
reminiscing on a past you can’t return to
hung myself with a wicker belt in freshman year
how stupid could i be to think that would work
i wish you had made something of me
i wish i was a miscarriage like the doctors said i was
i wish i could apologize in a way that didn’t require words
i wish i never wrote any of these songs
but it’s too late now
it’s the crux of knowing me
n0body leaves my life unscathed
i wrote a thousand petty songs for you
depending on if you’re hearing this
my head hits water
i eat sh*t on non*existent ground
sometimes i wish my mother would die so i can slice my throat without guilt
she spent so many years taking care of me
and i’ll throw it away
because i’m an inherently selfish and evil person
devoid of anything that should fill the sh*ll
it’s pathetic to know that i’ll never be able to be intimate with another girl without feeling like an overbearing mutated masculine freak
i’ll always feel as though i’m faking
they don’t make songs for girls like me
girls like me don’t get to live past age 30
and i’ll leave breaking the cycle to someone else
i’m sorry to everybody i know
i’m sorry i couldn’t be what you needed
i’m sorry i let this ruin me the way it has
i’m sorry i let it pile up inside of me until i had nothing left but photos
i’ll walk out like every girl before me
i thought i had more to say than this
***
“give me something profoundly melodramatic. something that people will gush about on rym for long after i’ve already been dead. something that’ll make them say ‘this is the future’ and post it to their twitter page. one more cold and callous thing to embarrass my friends and my family with. please, just give me something that means anything for once.”
but my brain remained silent for the first time in forever
and i’ll never stop trying to make it permanent
***
(i wish i never met anybody i know
maybe then, things would be different
for one, i’d be dead like i was already meant to be
take a picture of my corpse when it washes up in a few years)
(detrimental distrust of my brain
overexposed, underexplained
you ruined me! you ruined me!)
(running into fast oncoming traffic
hopefully they don’t steer right this time
i want to feel my bones break out of their places
i want to see my blood fall down in thick lines of gushing seas)
(i mentally put my hands into vices
whenever i find myself reminiscing about how much i truly f*cked things up)
we’re still the same, if not minorly f*cked
***
(eternal oblivion)
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