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joan of arc - doug anthony allstars lyrics

[richard spoken: ladies and gentlemen, joan of arc!]

[tim spoken: oh, yeah! woo]

[paul spoken: nuh-uh, no. sorry, no. sorry]

[richard spoken: what?!]

[paul spoken: no we’re not gonna do this song because it’s tasteless… and, uh, no! and we don’t do tasteless material]

[tim spoken: we’ll make one exception this evening, joan of arc]

[paul spoken: no, no. sorry! sorry, no. no, sorry. we are not gonna do this song, ah i’ll tell you why. i feel like i should be honest with you now, its because every time we do this song, this one here decides to f-ck it up for me. aye, ’cause i like this song, i enjoy doing it. and tim here gets it in his f-cking bonnet to f-ck it up every time. don’t pretend you don’t. at the end of the first chorus he starts whacking his microphone like the f-cking thing’s not working]

[tim spoken: it’s fine]

[paul spoken: don’t f-ckin’ do it again!]

[tim spoken: “i walked into a door kids!”]

[paul spoken: at the end of that— settle down! settle down! …at the end of that he comes over—]

[richard spoken: -whistling-]

[tim spoken: don’t worry about richard, he doesn’t even know he’s whistling]

[paul spoken: …comes over, stands beside me and does some sort of, you know, “strictly ballroom” non-federation f-cking dance steps all up— don’t! and what he does is he dances all up and down the stage, doing his f-cking pliés and all that sort of sh-t, playing to the gallery getting some f-ckin’ cheap laughs of you people, right? and the end of that little, sorta, “performance” he comes over and starts touching my microphone—]

[tim spoken: there’s nothing—]

[paul spoken: don’t f-cking touch it! …which i can’t stand. can’t stand that. we have a bit of a tussle over the microphone, i decide: f-ck it, we’ll give up the song. i tell richard to stop playing the song. when i turn back, he’s taken the microphone out of its stand. now i’m a calm man. i don’t get tense about much. but this f-ckin’ boils my blood! i end up knocking him to his knees. i hit him once on the back of the head. i crack him with my elbow, on the f-cking forehead. and then i get his arm and i crack it across my knee. right? and once i’ve got a little bit of control back… a little bit of control, this f-cking star here, beethoven, uh? goes on about tintin for fifteen f-cking minutes]

[richard spoken: tintin? i don’t see the connection?]

[paul spoken: don’t f-ckin’ push me, mate]

[richard spoken: you’re crazy, there’s no connection. tintin. joan of arc. they have nothing in common]

[tim spoken: woah, woah, woah. alright, alright, alright. i’ll tell him. i’ll tell him. i’ll tell him]

[richard spoken: he’s crazy, he’s gone out of— he’s lost it]

[tim spoken: hey! hey! hey! hey! what paul is saying is that he doesn’t want to do the song, okay? not the song, joan of arc is—]

[paul spoken: f-ck off! if i want him to understand what i’m talking about i’m gonna look at him, aren’t i?]

[richard spoken: i heard that!]

[tim spoken: madames et monsieurs, joan d’arc!]

[paul spoken: you promise me now, you promise me]

[tim spoken: i promise, i promise]

she was gifted in warfare
sweet as a sparrow
bom buh-buh-bom-bom, bom bom
her sword was true
her faith her armour
bom buh-buh-bom-bom, bom bom

oh, joan of arc (oh, joan of arc)
joan of arc (oh, joan of arc)
joan of arc
oh, joan of arc

[tim spoken: arc, arc, a-a-arc…]

there was a bone of contention
about her gen—

[paul spoken: f-cking dead! f-cking knew it]

[tim spoken: what? what?]

[paul spoken: you promised me!]

there was a bone of contention
about her gender
was she male or female?
or some weird hybrid
we dare not mention
where did the dominant genitals prevailed?
was the maid of orléans a manly maid?

[tim spoken: “‘my steps, my way, fran. you know what i said about the dance of love not being real, well it is freal, ran! go with your heart! go with your heart!]

[richard spoken: new steps! new steps! new steps!]

[paul spoken: aw, for f-cks sake]

oh, joan of arc (oh, joan of arc)
joan of arc (oh, joan of arc)
joan of arc
oh, joan of arc

i think i love her ’cause she’s hot
i think i want her quite a lot
and it’s a pity that she’s not
alive

[tim spoken: uh, can we turn paul’s microphone way down? he’s sounding a lot taller than he seems]

[paul spoken: don’t do that!]

[tim spoken: quick! someone go next door and get maureen, she’ll know what to do!]

they put her on the boil
just like a lobster
bom buh-buh-bom-bom, bom bom
and cooked her up
in a suit of
tin tin-tin-tin-tin, tin tin

[tim spoken: ahhhhh!]

[richard spoken: tintin! tintin! now, tintin was a very, very popular cartoon character. created in about the, uh, 20s by a man called hergé. a whole stack of books on his adventures, i’ve got all of them, all of them. and, um, tintin had lots of friends he had a little dog called snowy. and snowy never used to go, “woof woof! woof woof!” like normal dogs do. uh-uh, he was french so he used to go “woh-ah. woh-ah. woh-ah.” and it’s really weird because dogs don’t go, “woh-ah,” they go, “woof woof! woof woof!” and, uh, he had another friend, uh, captain haddock, who was often very amusing called captain backstop by mrs castafiore in the “adventure of the castafiore diamonds”, great book. um, magpies stole the diamonds in the end. oh no! oh god, i’ve just realised! i’ve spoilt the book for those of you out there who are reading it at the moment. oh no, and he had other friends… the thompson twins, that a really sh-t band in the ’80s named themselves after. and, uh—
and even though they’re french, they had nothing to do with joan of arc]

[paul spoken: sorry about that, everyone. uh, don’t know how many of you people out there tonight know this, but richard is suffering from senile dementia. a bit young, you may think, for senile dementia. but he’s only living for another f-cking five seconds]

[tim spoken: don’t do the time, don’t do the crime, paul!]

[paul spoken: f-ck it. oh, settle down! when will you f-cking grow up, you people? god’s sake. a bit of f-ckin’ maturity wouldn’t go astray here, tonight. just— f-ckin’, just finish this f-cking song with a bit of dignity]

oh, joan of arc (joan of arc)
joan of arc (oh, joan of arc)
joan of arc
oh, joan of arc!

joan o’ fark! (oh, joan of arc)
joan o’ fark (oh, joan of arc)
joan o’ fark
oh, joan o’ fark!

oh, joan o’ f-ck! (oh, joan of arc)
joan o’ f-ck (oh, joan of arc)
joan o’ f-ck
oh, joan. oh, f-ck!

[paul spoken: oh, joan. oh, joan. oh f-ck! uh, joan. uh, f-ck! ooh f-ck, ooh! oh, joan. joan! uh, joan. oh, joan! oh, f-ck! oh, joan, oh, f-ck. oh, joan! oh, f-ck! aw… joan… aw… f-ck. uh… -grunt-
see.. we, uh—
sorry about, uh— sorry about that there, just for a second i— i thought i was in the house of lords]

oh, joan of arc!

- doug anthony allstars lyrics

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