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the dark matter rap - david weinberg lyrics

[verse 1]
my name is fritz zwicky
i can be kind of pr*ckly
this song had better start
by giving me priority
whatever anybody says
i said in 1933
observe the coma cl*ster
the redshifts of the galaxies
imply some big velocities
they’re moving so fast, there must be missing mass!
dark matter

[chorus]
dark matter: do we need it? what is it? where is it? how much?
do we need it? do we need it? do we need it? do we need it?

[verse 2]
for nearly forty years
the dark matter problem sits
and n0body gets worried ’cause
“it’s only crazy fritz.”
the next stеp’s not ’til the early 1970s
ostriker and peeblеs
dynamics of the galaxies
cold disk instabilities
they say: “if the mass, were sitting in the stars
all those pretty spirals, ought to be bars!
self*gravitating disks? uh*uh, oh no
what those spirals need is a massive halo.”
“and hey, look over here, check out these observations
vera rubin’s optical curves of rotation
they can provide our needed confirmation:
those curves aren’t falling, they’re flat!
dark matter’s where it’s at!
[chorus]
dark matter: do we need it? what is it? where is it? how much?
what is it? what is it? what is it? what is it?

[verse 3]
and so the call goes out for the dark matter candidates:
black holes, snowb*lls, gas clouds, low mass stars, or planets
but we quickly hit a snag because galaxy formation
requires too much structure in the background radiation
if there’s only baryons and adiabatic fluctuations
the russians have an answer: “we can solve the impasse
lyubimov has shown that the neutrino has mass.”
zeldovich cries, “pancakes! the dark matter’s hot.”
carlos frenk, simon white, marc davis say, “‘not!
quasars are old, and the pancakes must be young
forming from the top down it can’t be done.”
so neutrinos hit the skids, and the picture’s looking black
but california laid*back, blumenthal & primack
say, “don’t have a heart attack
there’s lots of other particles
just read the physics articles.”
“take this pretty theory that’s called supersymmetry
what better for dark matter than the l*s*p?
the mass comes in at a ∼ kev
and that’s not hot, that’s warm.”
jim peebles says, “warm? don’t be half*hearted
let’s continue the trend that we have started
i’ll stake out a position that’s bold:
dark matter’s not hot, not warm, but cold.”
well cold dark matter causes overnight sensations:
hand*waving calculations
computer simulations
detailed computations of the background fluctuations
results are good, and the prospects look bright
here’s a theory that works!
well, maybe not quite
[chorus]
dark matter: do we need it? what is it? where is it? how much?
where is it? how much? where is it? how much?

[verse 4]
we have another puzzle that goes back to robert d*cke
finding a solution has proven kind of tricky
the cmb’s so smooth, it’s as if there’d been a compact
between parts of the universe that aren’t in causal contact
alan guth says, “inflation
will be our salvation
give smoothness of the universe a causal explanation
and even make the galaxies from quantum fluctuations!”
“there is one prediction, from which it’s hard to run
if inflation is correct, then omega should be one.”
observers say, “stop, no, sorry, won’t do
check out these cl*sters, omega’s point 2.”
the theorists respond, “we have an explanation
the secret lies in biased galaxy formation
we’re not short of critical mass density
just some regions, are missing luminosity.”
observers roll their eyes, and they start to get annoyed
but the theorists reply, “there’s dark matter in the voids.”
dark matter: do we need it? what is it? where is it? how much?
do we need it? do we need it? do we need it? do we need it?
along comes moti milgrom, who’s here to tell us all:
“this dark matter claptrap has got you on the wrong track.”
“you’re all too mired in conventionality
wedded to your standard theory of gravity
seduced by the elegance of general relativity
just change your force law, that’s the key.”
“give me one free parameter, and i’ll explain it all.”
“not so,” claim lake, and spergel, et al.,
“on dwarfs, and lensing, your theory’s gonna fall.”
the argument degenerates; it’s soon a barroom brawl
[chorus]
dark matter: do we need it? what is it? where is it? how much?
what is it? what is it? what is it? what is it?

[verse 5]
new observations hit the theory like an ice cold shower
they show that cold dark matter has too little large scale power
says peebles: “cold dark matter? my feeblest innovation
an overly aesthetic, theoretical aberration
our theories must have firmer empirical foundation
shed all this extra baggage, including the carry*ons
use particles we know, i.e., the baryons.”
others aren’t convinced, and a few propose a mixture
of matter hot and cold, perhaps with strings or texture
but nowadays most physicists are captured by the synergy
of inflation, cold dark matter, and repulsive dark energy
lambda or quintessence makes the whole picture integrate
by causing the expansion of the cosmos to accelerate
new physics is exciting, and it gives us more to do
before we had one mystery, and now we have two
but still we have to search for those darn elusive particles
subject every year of a thousand theory articles
wimpy, fuzzy, warm, dark atomic, superlight
so hard to find it feels like they are hiding out of spite
so we huddle deep in mines with the world’s supply of xenon
seeking scintillating flashes of the insight we are keen on
mic silicon*germanium to listen in for phonons
build hyper*volume radios, tuning in for axions
we search the skies for gamma*rays from wimp annihilation
those tiny sparks that light the dark in em radiation
we smash together protons, search for tracks in the debris
to prove we made our own dm within the lhc
the search is ever*popular, as many realize
that the detector of dark matter may well win the n0bel prize

[outro]
so now you’ve heard my lecture, and it’s time to end this session
with the standard closing line: thank you, any questions?

- david weinberg lyrics

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