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the nothing fight - dane cook lyrics

am i the only person here who loves to watch
a couple together that hates each other’s guts?
that has to be the most entertaining thing
when you see two people that just hate each
other together, and look we’ve all been there
everybody’s been in that situation where you
will stay with somebody you don’t even like
them. two weeks in and already you like
“pshh”, no way. i can’t stand this person, i’ll
hang around for 5 or 6 years then we can end
this thing violently. i got time.

girls, you make the craziest excuses to stay, your
friends will try and get you out of it…
“why don’t you just go? seriously jill just go,
jill? he’s a jerk off. just take your sh-t and go.”
you’re like “i can’t just go kim, it’s not that simple
my cds are in his truck. i can’t just walk away
from 40 or 50 cds. it’s gonna take 2 or 3 more
years of abuse until i can leave with my cds.”

that couple is the best, they fight over everything.
every little thing- huge explosion. and it’s not
even about the thing; it’s about the fact that they
wanna stab each other in the neck with a steak
knife because they hate each other’s existence.
they get in what i call “nothing fights.”
fights about absolutely nothing.

right, you see them waiting in line for the
movie theatre. they hold hands, but it’s not
loving at all. it’s like this rigor mortis,
rheumatoid arthritis, red rover grip that they
got going on. and everything’s an argument.

“i should probably bring my jacket, i might get cold.”
“you bring your f-cking jacket. ya think.
do ya think? yes. what if they’re pumpin’
ac in there, and then you’re cold, i have to go
out and i miss the previews cause i gotta get your
f-ckin’ jacket. bring your jacket.”

i love nothing fights. the best nothing figh
i have ever seen in my life. i was at the
supermarket a few months ago and i’m going
down the aisle and i’m at the stouffer’s french
bread pizzas, and i’m deciding do i want four
cheese or one cheese. cause sometimes, i like
a lot of cheese. sometimes, i like a dancing plethora
of cheese in my mouth. and then sometimes,
i’m into a more solo cheese adventure. just a single,
one on one. me and one cheese. then sometimes
i want an orgy of cheese on my plate.

so as i’m standing there, contemplating my cheese
future, i hear the nothing fight going on in the
next aisle. i don’t know exactly what they are saying,
but i hear mumbles and grumbles. ok. i hear the
guy going “grumbles” and i hear the girl she’s like
[girl voice] “grumbles care… more grumbles care…
i don’t even care… even more grumbles care.”
[guy] “grumbles… care. i don’t even care grumbles again care…”

i hear the nothing fight. i start getting so excited.
i’m like i gotta go watch this, i gotta go see this.
i’m so excited i leave my cart. you never leave your cart.
god forbid somebody comes into the store and
wants exactly that sh-t. and they’re like “what. jackpot.
this is everything i wanted.”

i’m peeking around the entenmann’s cookies and
i’m watching the best nothing fight that i’ve ever
been a part of. they’re in each other’s face. ok,
and the guy is saying to the girl and he’s doing it
like this “do we have any jelly in the house?
do we or do we not have jelly. you said we
did last time. i’m looking in the cabinets and
i don’t see any god d-mn jelly. i just wanna know
if we have any jelly in the house.”

and she’s egging him on, she’s like [girl voice]
“i don’t even like jelly. i don’t even like jelly.
i get hives if i even look at jelly. wha–i don’t even
know about jelly. i’ve never even–what is jelly.
i don’t even care.”

and he’s like “i don’t even give a sh-t about the hives.
i want jelly in the f-ckin’ house. stat. pronto. tonight.
i don’t give a–i will break your neck and pour
jelly all over your body and pray to the gods of
jelly to burn your soul in a jelly like h-ll. now get the jelly!”

i’m so excited; i’m eating the entenmann’s out of the box.
i’ve opened a box and i am eating. i’ll pay for it.
relax. i know you’re concerned, but i’ll pay.

this is the point during the nothing fight that
i like to get involved. i have to get involved and
i have to say something. just a little jab, a little poke
that will fuel the fire. and help take it to the next level.
as they’re going back and forth, i walk by them, i lean
in, and i go like this, “hey dude, dude, dude, i
know what you mean about the jelly bro. tell this
tw-t to get jelly. now.”

[guy] “see, see! get the jelly-uh, what’s that
word again? what, twat! good word. thanks bro.
i didnt ev- i forgot about that word. get the jelly twat!
great word dude, great word. twat. yes.”

- dane cook lyrics

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